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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's not my DD's responsibility to watch her younger cousins?

50 replies

whiteconverse · 12/01/2013 22:12

Me and my brother took my mum out for lunch today along with our partners and children and we came back to hers for some coffee.

My mum has quite a large living room so we were sat around the dining in there having a chat and a drink whilst the children played.

There was a bowl of fruit in the room and my niece kept helping herself to the grapes and as a toddler kept running around.

My brother then quite reproachfully told my DD(14) to watch his daughter as she might choke on the grapes.

My DD is a very responsible girl and of course loves her younger cousin and will keep an eye on her but ultimately her cousin is not her responsibility, especially when all my brother is doing is sat around chatting.

OP posts:

HouseOfTinsel · 12/01/2013 22:44

Difficult to say without knowing exact conversation, tone of voice etc. Might be that he was putting in a clumsy request for help in watching her, or an unreasonable shift of his own responsibility.

But I do recall an incident when I was 'left in charge' of my toddler cousins - I was about 8 or 9 and auntie went into the next room and asked me to keep an eye on them. We all carried on playing independently with toys in the room, one of the toddlers had a minor scrape (tripped over and bumped herself on coffee table or something). Auntie came tearing back in and told me off saying 'I told you to watch them, not play with the xxx (whatever it was I was playing with)!'. I'm quite aggrieved to this day, though am generally over it...

In general I'd go with kids are kids, adults are adults, it's a bit unfair to expect a child to assume parental-style responsibility - and if you do then don't expect perfection.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/01/2013 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 12/01/2013 22:48

Yes what did you say to your brother? I'd have told him to get off his arse and watch his own bloody kid, but then my brother and I have the kind of relationship where we can be blunt with each other.

Inertia · 12/01/2013 22:50

Yanbu. Your brother should have been minding his own child, though he could have asked your DD if she would mind keeping an eye on her. Had he spoken to my DD like that, I'd have reproacfully told him that he was the parent, and should be getting his own child to sit at the table if eating.

And why, between at least 3 adults in the room, did none of you think to remove the grapes from the toddler's reach? They are one of the biggest choking risks.

Permanentlyexhausted · 12/01/2013 22:52

Yes, I'm wondering what you said to him as well. And why, if he just carried on ignoring what was going on, you, as a responsible adult, didn't step in and remove the grapes rather than leaving your daughter to deal with it. Assuming you didn't, that is.

HollyBerryBush · 12/01/2013 22:54

He asked her to keep an eye on her, not perform the heimlich manouvre

HollyBerryBush · 12/01/2013 22:59

Aactually, averagely, across all age group 0.8 of a person choked to death on a grape last year. Not sure what happened to the other 0.2.

TidyDancer · 12/01/2013 23:01

The OP's brother didn't ask though, did he? He told. As in gave an order.

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 23:02

He didn't ask, he told.

And he should be the one that feels it's his responsibility for preventing his own child choking, anyway

Original poster

whiteconverse · 12/01/2013 23:03

Holly if he had asked her politely to just keep an eye on her cousin then I wouldn't have even noticed to be honest.

It was the way in which he said it, like her cousin was actually her children and she should therefore be constantly watching her.

He was in the same room, she is his daughter.

OP posts:

CoolaSchmoola · 12/01/2013 23:13

He was not unreasonable to ask her - he WAS unreasonable to ask her "reproachfully".

There's a difference.

By asking her reproachfully he a) assumed that she wasn't watching already, b) assumed that a child would be aware of potential choking hazards for a toddler and c) implied that she was somehow in the wrong for not being aware of this.

That's a LOT for an adult to put on a child - even a teenager.

The "village to raise a child" thing is by the by, the OP said that her daughter would have watched her cousin, so that's the village thing covered.

The issue is the way in which he asked. Had he simply said "would you mind watching DS as he could choke if he runs with grapes in his mouth" then fine. But he didn't - he reproached her for not knowing about the choking hazard, even though there is no reason for a 14 year old to know choking hazards for toddlers, whilst asking her - and he was BU to do so.

DonderandBlitzen · 12/01/2013 23:15

YANBU. His responsibilty to either take the grapes away, or sit his daughter down to eat the grapes (preferably cut in half.) If you google "choked on a grape" you will see loads of stories about children in the UK who have choked to death on a grape. (For anyone who thinks it isn't a risk.)

SantasENormaSnob · 12/01/2013 23:22

Yanbu

It's his responsibility.

I wouldn't want my eldest to be unpaid childcare whilst everyone else sits around.

Monty27 · 12/01/2013 23:27

That's what family gatherings are about though isn't it, well where I come from, the big ones look after the littlies while the adults get a chance to talk.

It's not like they were far away.

DonderandBlitzen · 12/01/2013 23:32

So do you think the dad was right to be cross with the 14 year old girl Monty?

Original poster

whiteconverse · 12/01/2013 23:32

Yes ours are similar Monty all the children play together really, and the adults will sit around and chat.

But surely you're still keeping an eye on your child regardless Monty ? Especially if they are a toddler.

OP posts:

SantasENormaSnob · 12/01/2013 23:33

The parents should be watching the littlies imo.

Not expecting older kids to do it.

DonderandBlitzen · 12/01/2013 23:37

I think it's fine for an adult to ask older kids to keep an eye on little ones, even in another room, but i don't think it's ok to not sort out the toddler running while eating grape thing, but instead to be cross with a 14 year old for not stopping it.

DixieD · 12/01/2013 23:41

Well if I was spoken to reproachfully about keeping an eye on someone else's child I wouldn't be impressed. I bet he wouldn't speak to an adult that way. If he wants a favour he should ask politely, it doesn't matter what age the person he is asking is.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2013 23:41

Meh!

Mountain, may I introduce you to Molehill?....

Monty27 · 12/01/2013 23:46

Yes, I agree, not cross, not cross at all. In our family we would have asked the 14 yo nicely to keep an eye (they all love looking after the littlies don't they) But I agree it should be with the dps keeping an eye too, the grapes would have been put away, it's not the utlimate responsibility of the 14 yo.

The 14 yo should not have been berated it should have been the df.

outnumberedbythree · 12/01/2013 23:47

Yabu give the man a break your a parent think about it maybe he just needed five minutes to have a cuppa i know i do after running round after two toddlers all day i do agree that yes it is his responsability to make sure his child doesn't choke i am the oldest and regulary watched my younger cousins siblings and now i am a mum my youngest cousin (13) keeps an eye on my dcs its great i don't see them for ages when their with him so i'm with holly

SantasENormaSnob · 12/01/2013 23:52

No monty, they don't all love littlies.

Especially when forced to watch them.

Original poster

whiteconverse · 12/01/2013 23:52

outnumbered do you reproachfully demand that your youngest cousin watched the children? Probably not.

And there lies the difference.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 13/01/2013 01:09

Santas point taken, just all my nephews and neices loved it. I'm generalising I guess. And actually us adults were always keeping eyes and ears out, especially if we had toddlers around, the adults would share the care too.

Hmmm.

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