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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that joint friends seem to be supporting dh through our break up

26 replies

1991all · 12/01/2013 19:47

I guess there will be more of this to come
So I should just get used to it

We've only told this one couple, they took him out for lunch and were all supportive, but I haven't even had s text
I really love them too

OP posts:

edam · 12/01/2013 19:49

aw, that's really sad. But it is tricky when friends split up - it is v. hard to stay friends with both. When one of dh's oldest friends and his wife split, we were both very sad about it as we were fond of both of them, but dh had known his friend since junior school, so we had to 'choose' him. (The ex-couple concerned are quite good mates now, though.)

manicbmc · 12/01/2013 19:51

I had a certain amount of this when me and the exh split. Tbh, the ones that mattered stayed friends with both of us. The ones that didn't believed his crap.

AllYoursBabooshka · 12/01/2013 19:51

It depends on how close they were to him and how the break up came about really.

Either way a text at least would have been nice. How are you feeling?

Lifeissweet · 12/01/2013 19:51

I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard when you split up and mutual friends take sides. It is difficult for them too, though. I know when I split up with my ex-h some of them found it really awkward and didn't know how to handle it. Maybe they think you're the more robust one of the pair of you, maybe they are planning to contact you, but haven't managed it just yet. Is it possible that your ex is making it difficult for them?

Find your own support network. As more people find out, I think you'll find that people surprise you. You may find people in your corner that you didn't imagine would be - I know I did.

It's a tough time, but you'll be fine - and you'll find out who your real friends are to boot.
x

BackforGood · 12/01/2013 19:57

It's difficult for everyone.
A couple I'd been friends with for over 20 years as a couple, and her since we started secondary some 7 yrs before, split up, after she had an affair. It's been hugely difficult over the last 10 years trying to remain friends with them both, but with neither of them able to be in the same room.....
Doesn't mean I like one more than the other, it's just difficult.

Original poster

1991all · 12/01/2013 20:00

Well it's all very civilised at the moment between us, so no blame really
But I think they are feeling sorry for him because he's the one that has to move out

But they don't really know the details of what a bastard he has been, and I don't really want to broadcast it

OP posts:

MsIngaFewmarbles · 12/01/2013 20:00

It's a tricky one. DH still feels hurt that a lot of the mutual friends he had witj his ex wife 'chose' her. As it turns out she told everyone he had been abusive :(

TheNebulousBoojum · 12/01/2013 20:03

It is hard, I've had numerous friends split up over the years and sometimes it's impossible to stay friends with both for a huge number of reasons.
One couple split, he lost his home and the children and stayed with us for a few weeks before he could begin to cope. She saw it as choosing sides, despite the fact that the split was her doing because he was boring.
Sometimes you have more in common with one partner than the other, so the friendship is sustained.
The couple you told, how did you become friends?

WaynettaSlobsLover · 12/01/2013 20:05

Excuse my language but that's fucking typical from my experience. I watched my mum go through an awful separation from my dad, and be pandered to and looked after by close mutual friends, all the while my mum was just left to get on with it. He succeeded in manipulating a few people against her including her closest friend. A few years on and my mum is in a brilliant place in her life with people around her who know what my dad is like and who care for her. Op don't pay it another thought. Some men are very very clever at putting things in people's heAds, believe me. Get on with your life and be strong because there is nobody in this world you will be able to fully rely upon apart from yourself. You will be having the last laugh soon, just like my mum :)

RubyrooUK · 12/01/2013 20:08

It is difficult. It also may be that your ex has been more proactive about asking for friends' support than you.

When I split up with an ex, he went round telling everyone how he wasn't coping at all, which meant even my own closest friends felt that he needed lots of support and they mistakenly thought I was alright. I was just shyer about telling them I needed their help.

So maybe he is just telling your friends he really needs them and to be occupied so they are helping him out? They may not be thinking you need that support if you haven't told them so.

CanIRingTheBell · 12/01/2013 20:11

I was just discussing this sort of thing with a friend the other day.

She split from her husband 3 months ago, because he had an affair. She, understandably IMO decided to end the marriage. He moved out of the family home and has now become best buddies with many of her closest friends and their partners, friend that she has been very close to for many years. And very few of them have even bothered to find out how my friend is.

I guess like has been said in this situation you do find out who your real friends are. I know my friend will have no time for those friends in the future as they've shown their true colours.

Original poster

1991all · 12/01/2013 20:13

The men were friends first but dh didn't know the wife that much before I did
But we've been on hols together and her and I do stuff with the kids

She might call, I hope so

Very down right now
Can't really bring myself to talk to anyone anyway!

OP posts:

CanIRingTheBell · 12/01/2013 20:15

I hope you are ok 1991all, it's upsetting that they haven't even asked you how you are. Have you got any friends that you and your DH weren't friends with as a couple that you could get some support from?

CanIRingTheBell · 12/01/2013 20:17

I thought I recognised your username and just did a quick search; I remember your thread from last week. After how he behaved it's even more of an insult that your friends are all over him and not supporting you.

TheNebulousBoojum · 12/01/2013 20:22

As you said, it teaches you which friendships were true and which were out of politeness or a shallow similarity in interests. True friends of both of you wouldn't base their judgements on one person's word
Hopefully you have other, better relationships out there.

RubyrooUK · 12/01/2013 20:22

Can you text the wife and suggest you hang out soon?

It may be that they are useless buggers who you don't want as friends anyway or it may be that he has been sucking up all the sympathy/don't want to intrude/think you must be ok or don't want to see them if you haven't been in touch.

I'd give them the benefit of the doubt first. Just because then you know 100% they are thoughtless arsholes and you can write them off. Or you find out actually they do want to support you, which would be much nicer.

MsHighwater · 12/01/2013 20:28

I don't think friends taking sides is inevitable, not always, at least. It also need not necessarily depend on who was friends with whom first. DH and I have a friend whom we see every few months. She met DH when she went out with, then married, his boyhood pal. That marriage broke up, acrimoniously, but DH and his first wife stayed friends with both. Then when DH and his ex split, this friend, with her second husband, stayed friends with both sides. Friend is clear that the break up is the couple's business and no concern of anyone else, certainly no reason to sacrifice the friendship with either party.

You obviously can't force other people to be so grown up about it but if people show themselves willing to remain friends, I guess you can help them by allowing them not to get involved in the fallout more than you can help.

Mayisout · 12/01/2013 20:28

It might be their belief that 'poor exh, having to cook his own meals and do his own washing' the least we can do is have him round for a meal.
Whereas you are quite capable of managing on your own.

MrsMelons · 12/01/2013 20:31

DH had this when he split up with his XGF and shortly after we got together. One particular couple who he had supported through all their issues and they only knew his GF through him (he met her about 15 years after he met them) treated him appallingly and carried on seeing her.

They caused all sorts of trouble for us and they made up lies about us too. DH ended things with her before we got together but they told his X that we had been seeing each other years and that I was pregnant before they split up, all complete lies.

It is so hurtful but even if this couple aren't supportive to you - you will find that most people will be and they will be the people that matter. It may be worth you speaking to her as you may find she just doesn't know what to say to you or if you would want to talk to her. If DH had been more open about his feelings to his friends they may have been more supportive - although I think they showed their true colours so maybe we were better off.

Original poster

1991all · 12/01/2013 20:32

CanIRingTheBell-thanks, there's been a few threads since Christmas!

I could text her, I think I will, but just a bit awkward, maybe she's thinking the same
Tbh, she is a bit disorganised sometimes, and they're a bit up in the air atm, so there's hope

OP posts:

andadietcoke · 12/01/2013 20:42

I lost my best friend in a similar situation. DH (we got back together in the end) and I went to school with her husband, but we were really good friends, and i was her bridesmaid when they got married. She had said to me she would be there for me whatever I decided, and wouldn't take sides. She did neither, and actually did the complete opposite, and we don't speak any more. Sad, especially since eventually it was all for nothing as we got back together, but I guess she wasn't that good a friend in the end.

Original poster

1991all · 16/01/2013 20:29

Well it was my birthday yesterday and neither of them wished me happy birthday

OP posts:

MrsMelons · 16/01/2013 21:16

Do you have other friends supporting you through this 1991? Try to concentrate on them as clearly the others are showing their true colours. Hope you had a good birthday in spite of everything!

CloudsAndTrees · 16/01/2013 21:46

They can support both of you, and I don't think it's strange that they went out to lunch if the oldest friendship in the group is between the men. If your ex has had to move out, then he will probably need some supporting too, even if he has been a git. Couples nearly always show their worst sides to each other during a break up, but that doesn't make them bad people that don't deserve friends.

It might help you to bite the bullet and tell some of your own friends what's going on. You will have to tell people sooner or later, and I'm sure the friends that you are closer to than your ex will want to support you.

HollyBerryBush · 16/01/2013 22:18

The men were friends first but dh didn't know the wife that much before I did

the blokes are friends - you and the wife are just ancilliary to that principle relationship. They are his friends by default.

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