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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let her get hurt?

9 replies

dancemom · 12/01/2013 14:29

Basics of the story, dd who is 7 hasnt seen much of her dad in the past month, her choice, i think its just a phase but im not stressing over it.

She saw him for an hour or two about 10 days ago but thats it since about 2 weeks before Christmas. She is supposed to stay over twice a week. She is happy to go and visit for a few hours but doesnt want to stay overnight currently. She gets upset and doesnt sleep at her dads, her school have commented on how she didnt seem herself etc but since christmas (and since not staying over) she has been much more relaxed, less anxious and back to her old self.

Anyway, her dad phoned on Monday (after her making several calls the week previously where he wouldnt answer!) and they chatted for a bit. He asked if she was going to stay over midweek and she said no but would like to visit on Sunday for a few hours. His response was "i will get back to you".

Now he hasnt been in touch all week, i have called twice to see whats happening, he doesnt answer or call back. Today dd has called twice, he wont answer or call back. She is now saying that she needs to be ready tomorrow aftenoon in case he turns up to pick her up. Im not happy about this partly because i dont want to sit around all day but mainly because i know he wont just turn up and dd will end up disappointed.

Do i keep phoning him hoping he will answer? do i tell dd that we are going out to distract her from the disappointment of her father not bothering? do i let her sit in and wait and then deal with the aftemath and undo all the positive changes that happened the past month?

why are some men such selfish pricks??

OP posts:
soulresolution · 12/01/2013 15:15

What a mean thing to do to her. Presumably he feels rejected by her because she doesn't want to stay over and is now cutting himself off. I suppose the best thing you can say is that it will probably cure her of wanting to see him at all so she won't have to spend her whole childhood being let down by him. Sad

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 15:20

What kind of arrangements do you have in place for visitation? And why aren't you encouraging her to go to him when she's meant to.

Is there a reason she doesn't want to go?

mumagain38 · 12/01/2013 15:40

oh how sad ! My cousins young children used to sit on the stairs with their back packs on waiting for there dad on sundays and 9/10 he wouldnt show up which led to them thinking he didnt love them. Untill she put her foot down and told him not to bother at all - to which he didnt and STILL hasnt and that was over ten years ago! Its a tricky one, I think i would wait for him this one time and give him benifit of doubt. If there is a no show take her some where to try take her mind off it then wait till he phones then speak to him directly abouts whats going on. I dont think its imperative for her to sleep at his home if she dosnt want to, its quality time thats important. I would ask her why she dosnt want to though. Has he got other children? I would encourage regular visits tho, like EVERY sunday or whatever so they build a relationship other wise they could become estranged. Im going through some thing midley simlar, my eldest (17) dosnt put effort in with her dad, he dosnt really put anything in with her then she gets upset when he moans at her when she phones him for a lift after not seeing each other for 3 weeks! They both have to work at the relationship if they want one. I know its not the same for u tho as ur little one is only 7! good luck xx

mumagain38 · 12/01/2013 15:44

P.s also the reason i would wait is to let her know u are giving him benifit of doubt so you dont get the blame as its allways mums fault! x

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 15:44

p.s. what I didn't say is her Dad's behaviour is shit... call him on it.

Tryharder · 12/01/2013 15:49

How pathetic! He's point scoring with a 7 year old. Is there no one (a sympathetic friend or relative or I law) who could point out that he's acting like a twat.

Original poster
dancemom · 12/01/2013 16:03

She is supposed to go twice a week for overnight stays. She is quite an anxious girl anyway but lately has become very anxious about staying at her dads. Lots of crying, being unable to sleep, tummy pain etc. she didn't want to sleep over and I thought fI made her it would only make her more anxious. She really has been much more relaxed, her teacher commented on Friday how she had "found her joy" again. Nod the reason I know he won't just turn up is he doesn't collect dd from home, I take her to the high street so if he was picking her up he would need to contact me to arrange a meeting time.

OP posts:
LadyMaryChristmas · 12/01/2013 16:34

It's really hard for parents to watch the NRP treat their children like this, there's not a great deal that you can do about it though. Sad Just make sure that you're there for her.

Ds's 'father' won't speak to ds or I because ds corrected his grammar and asked him why he wasn't paying maintenance. Hmm Ds is 13. He sent an email apologising last week and has still heard nothing. Ds now hates his father far more than ever now. I haven't said anything bad about him, I don't need to as his actions speak volumes.

I hope your DD is ok. Sad

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 12/01/2013 16:39

What an arse!

I think I would try one more time to contact him on any and every number you have and state that if you don't hear from him by x time this evening or early tomorrow you will assume he is not coming.

Then I'd have a look at what's on at the pictures/bowling or some other little treat for you DD to have up your sleeve in case he does continue to be a twat and doesn't contact you.

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