Regarding my exTwunts day out with PFB

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

DD is 17 weeks, tommorow i have allowed him to have DD alone for the first time.
(There is a hug backs tory but this i can assure you is rather generous) He is not competent with DD at all. I had agrreed to drive 1.5 hours to meet him, so he could take her to her GPs a further hour away.
He is NOT competent with DD at all, he will no tmake comtact arrangements and i am currently building up eveidence for legal arrangements to be make (that is a hwole other thread). He does not see or contact about DD on a regular basis, very hit and miss. So as you can see i am being very accomdating.
So here is where he think IAMBU, i do not think i am.
He has now changed the plans. He wants to take her from me, to her GP (1 hour) to his sister (40 mins) back to his parents (40 mins) back to me (1 hour).
ALL IN FOUR HOURS. Excluding the 1.5 hours each way i am doing.
I feel this is awful for my Dd's, development, relationship with her father, routine and not to mention how long she will be in a car seat.

I have explained this, but IAMBU. He wants to know if he can have her longer and drop her the whole way back to me, but this doesnt solve the issue besides i feel 4 hours is long enough for a first visit. Also, i have never every left her longer with anyone. Now im being pushed for him to have her overnight tonight by him.
I am not happy, would you be happy with this?
I have offered him ways around this eg inviting all the family down to my area. Or why cant his isster go to her parents? I have said he could have her here today.
I just to not want her in a car that long.
I Willa ccept a flaming if i IAMBU

[PessaryPam]

Thinking of you. You are doing the right things to get out of the situation and rebuild yours and your DDs lives. Stay strong.

[DeepRedBetty]

Hi hope you've managed to focus a bit on the course with all the shenannigans. Nothing else to add except the hand hold xxx

[CecilyP]

Well done for being strong. Hope you are able to switch off the phone and concetrate on the course.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Thank you we are just on a break. No sign of him at my parents.
I feel quite brave now and satisfied.
I did namechange for this and most of you can guess who I am so ill have to namechange again, thank you for all your support and hand holding it means so much to us.

[DeepRedBetty]

Oh are you going back to a version of the old one? I do hope so, it's a great name!

[MammaTJ]

Glad things have worked out well today!! Keep strong.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Assuming you did pre inform him via a provable source email/txt last night, I'm guessing his text messages may make reference to that email/text? And are mostly of a unpleasant or threatening/ insulting/ abusive nature.

Can your phone either take screen shots of the text conversation and send them to your computer or email them to you so you have a record even if your phone is lost/ broken.

Chances are he does not really want to take you to court just as much as you don't wish to have to go but if he does he has just done quite a bit of your work for you.

From today onwards do not meet him anywhere unsafe and do not let him remove your dd ( he has openly threatened to take her and not return her) unless a trusted third party can prevent him from not returning her. Could your dad supervise any contact? Even if you are there because he's likely to kick off at you.

Be reasonable with his requests to see her but be clear that due to his threats and abuse it has to be supervised by someone you trust to be able to prevent him from carrying out his threats. Do not communicate with him for any reason other than to respond to any requests for contact, be very very polite to him make sure every comunication can be produced if needed in court and if he turns up at your house do not open the door to him unless you have a third party also there, make no arrangements verbally always follow up any verbal contact by email/ text stating what happened anything that was discussed ect.

Approach everything in writing by citing why it is or is not in the best interests of your dd.

Chances are he won't do anything court wise for a while and by the time he does you will have a good amount f evidence and he will struggle to appear decent and not bullying

[DontmindifIdo]

you are doing well. It'll take him a while to learn that you mean what you say when it comes to your DD - but he'll get it eventually, he can't be that thick.

Let him go to court for access. He doesn't seem to actually want to spend time with her, just show her off and annoy you, so dont feel guilty about that.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Phew I'm home and all is safe is all well

[ThereGoesTheYear]

Great news. Well done for standing up to him. The biggest mistake I made was in giving into bullying for fear of angering him. That just taught him that it worked. You might find that he'll come back with more twattishness, but don't be afraid to involve the police. Even at this stage, depending on the content of the messages he sent you, you could go to the police.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

It was quite scary as I'm a rather sensitive soul so if he had met me in person I would have probably lost it.
I feel great for standing up to him and not subjecting DD to heavens knows what else.
It's nice to not sit apologising to her for once. I've done nothing wrong and it's not my apologies she needs to hear

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Feeling a tad low now but i know I've done the right thing.
Do any of you ever feel lonely in a evening if your alone?
You know, no texts, nothing on tv etc

[flippinada]

Makeit

I've just read all the way through this and want to say how downright amazing I think you are. I know from experience what it's like to fear a bullying ex and just how much courage it takes to stand up to them. So a great big well done to you!

Sorry you're feeling low, I know that feeling too. It will also be partly due to the come down after the stressful events of today, as well as you missing your little DD. Please be kind to yourself.

On a practical level I also strongly recommend keeping contact to the written word, whether that's text or email.

[vole3]

That's what mumsnet is for......
Have you got any friends who would like to come round for a regular girls evening with a good film & food?
A lot easier and cheaper than a babysitter!

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

OP it can get lonely but with time you'll learn to fill that void. Books from the library, tv shows to watch, or something else you enjoy that just fills that gap. It gets easier the longer you are in the situation, and the older they get. My favourite past time is MN

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

I unfortunately only have one friend and she's married.
I mostly end up at my parents but this time of life is for them.
I'm actually in bed now, I have sleeping tablets. I'm tempted to take them now and just sleep, then it just makes tommorow longer.
I have started a thread on lone parents.
I'm meeting a mumsnetter on Friday too so I'm quite excited about that.
My only other looking forward to is getting DD weighed tomorrow I like to know how she's doing.
I am having help with my depression.
I just miss a cuddle.
Thank you to all who say I am strong

[TheEarlOfDoncaster1963]

It is difficult when they are tiny, even with a partner. I'm glad you're meeting a new friend on Friday - I hope you have a great time! Are there any baby groups near where you live that you could go along too with DD? Some of them are a bit twee but it does at least get you out of the house and meeting people - they were a godsend when I moved to a new town and DS was 5 months old.
Well done for standing up to the ex - and sounds like you are well rid of him.

[sherazade]

It's a really tricky situation and I feel for you.

No advice sorry. Hope it all works out.

[mamamibbo]

wow, ive just read through and wanted to say you are AMAZING, you did it, you stood up to him and you didnt back down and now he know he cant bully you and make you do what he wants anymore

i dont even know you and i am really really proud of you and you should be proud of yourself, you were strong, you were brave and you did the best thing for your baby even tho you were scared, you are strong :)

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Well done for standing up to him. I am sure you will feel the benefit of your new found strength in the days to come.

[TheProvincialLady]

I've just seen that you are having a rough evening. That's probably the come down from all the adrenalin you had pumping round your system when you were standing up to your ex. I often get that and it makes me feel low, but it shoudl be gone by tomorrow. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your daughter! Not everyone can do that. And good for you for going on a course. You didn't say what it was for but it's all good stuff for your future and your daughter's. When my DC were 17 weeks I couldn't have held a pen the right way up, let alone concentrate for a few hours

[CitrusyOne]

I'm much more of a lurker but I started reading this this morning and came on here just now to catch up with how things had gone. OP you DO sound very brave. You clearly love your little one very much and have a wonderfully protective mothering instinct. Remember how important this is for her- this doesn't come naturally to everyone. My DD is 12 wks old, and my OH works shifts and I struggle with evenings when he's not here so it's totally understandable how you feel. Evenings are hard. I hope you are able to continue to be as brave as you have been. Keep us informed. I hope you are able to rest tonight. Love to you and your tiny bundle x

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Thank you for everyone's support.
I don't feel strong or brave.

Luckily the hotel is cheering me up before I try and get a good nights sleep. Just had a rather nice dribbly cuddle which puts alot in perspective for me.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Make i been a single mum for nearly 4 years, i spent the time bonding with my DD, and even though shes a real pain in the arse, i love her to bits.

[DizzyZebra]

I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be spending the majority of 4 hours travelling in a car seat.