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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP still isn't home!

110 replies

AmIOverReacting · 12/01/2013 05:29

Okay so I've been with my DP almost 5 years, we've got a 3month old DD

In the past he's had a habit of going out for a drink and not coming home until the next morning, not phoning or picking up his. The first time he did it we argued and I told him it wasn't what I wanted from a relationship, if that's what he wanted to do then that's fine we'll go our seperate ways but he said it wasn't and it wouldn't happen again. A couple of months later the same thing happened we had a massive row and I told him once more and I was done. 2w later we found out I was pregnant, I was on the pill and took it when I was ment to but it failed but our DD is the best thing that's ever happened to us. We had a huge heart to heart and I told him I didn't want to be a single parent and our relationship was great apart from when he didn't come home and I told him that I ment what I said last time and it still stood even when we had the baby and that I didn't want to be a single parent but I would if he did this again.

I'm sure youce guessed where this has lead, well he hasn't come home I was ment to grab him and he phoned to say don't bother ill be home in an hour (this was at midnight) , he never came home so at 3 I phoned and he said his list wasn't ready to bring him yet so he'll be back later and still isn't and I haven't bothered phoning again. He'll come back drunk out his head., fall asleep and tomorrow will swear him was home before now and won't understand what my problem is

I've spoke to my friend in RL and she think IBU and him not coming home isn't a big deal and I no a couple of his mates GF just put up with it, so I don't know if I am just being over the top. I'm so angry and ready to tell him to pack his bags but I don't want tho through our relationship away and I don't want to split our family up, he's. great dad and I know it will kill him being apart from us, but I feel like he knows I don't like it but why will he ever stop if he know ill just be pissed off for a day of two

So AIBU or is he? Would I be over reacting by telling him to leave?

OP posts:

weevilswobble · 12/01/2013 08:46

Have you ever spoken to older people about why they are still married years and years on? I have a people based business and love talking to people. When I talk to a couple in their 60's or 70's about how they've stayed together its really interesting. We can learn alot about life from older people. Their trials and tribulations are usually many, but they got through and got stronger through them. Love, understanding and a strong will to stay together are crucial. Older generations learnt how to fix things, not run away from difficult situations. Constantly threatening to leave undermines everything and leaves you both feeling flaky. His behaviour isnt ideal, but as others have said he does answer his phone.
Hope i dont get flamed.

StressDaily · 12/01/2013 08:47

You poor thing.

I would let him make his own way home, and have an overnight bag packed for him when he arrives.

This behaviour is not uncommon and IME rarely gets better.

TheBrideofMucky · 12/01/2013 08:49

Great father figure. Go and get him and then take yourself and DD off to a hotel for the night and turn your phone off. You don't need this rubbish.

littlewhitebag · 12/01/2013 08:50

Love and understanding???? He just got arrested. What a prize idiot he is. I think you need him not to come home until he is sober and had time to reflect on his behaviour. Then you both need to sit down and have a long chat.

StressDaily · 12/01/2013 08:52

Oh and HA HA HA weevils. I think what you're saying is that the OP should just continue putting up with this behaviour because it's better to be married forever to someone who treats you like shit rather than splitting up.

Locketjuice · 12/01/2013 08:52

Yanbu, he's being incredibly selfish
I know my mind would be going into overdrive if my other half done this!
I have just had a similar situation about he keeps doing something and I forgave me over and over... Muggins here did take him back but I do feel so grotty for it now!
It's up to you what happens if you really do feel that strongly about it and about the relationship being over then that's what it has to be!

Locketjuice · 12/01/2013 08:53

And how old is he.. Sounds like a naughty teenager?

BelleoftheFall · 12/01/2013 08:57

"I hung up"

Good. He should make his own way home instead of expecting you to pick him up from the police station. Might give him time to think.

Fairylea · 12/01/2013 08:57

Let him make his own way home.

He's not your responsibility. Especially ashe isn't taking any for you.

Whocansay · 12/01/2013 08:58

Let him to get himself home. Go out with your children for the day and switch your phone off. See how he likes it. He's a selfish prick who will keep doing it unless you make it clear that his behaviour is not acceptable. Words mean nothing.

TheBrideofMucky · 12/01/2013 08:58

When you're the parent of a young child you don't get to go AWOL whenever you feel like it. How often do you get to duck out of your responsibilities completely for 24 hours or so op?

AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 08:58

Don't even think about going to pick him up.

The fact that he expected you to do that instead of calling to apologise and making his own sorry way home shows how little he respects you.

I wouldn't let him back in.

He's no key.

Leave a bag for him on the doorstep and tell him you might be still free when he's managed to grow the fuck up.

ErikNorseman · 12/01/2013 08:59

You aren't going to collect him are you? If you don't make a stand over this it will never change.

lunar1 · 12/01/2013 09:00

He is behaving like a teenager, I would tell him to have his mummy and daddy pick him up!

So sorry you are going through this, I wouldn't want him home now

AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 09:06

Totally, StressDaily - people who measure relationships in longevity rather than the happiness of the participants are suspect.

Marriages lasted way longer when women had basically no choice but to stay.

wewereherefirst · 12/01/2013 09:09

Pack him a bag and leave it outside. That is all he deserves.

You do not need this aggravation from this man-child, he got himself nicked?! Christ, needs to grow up.

shesariver · 12/01/2013 09:12

weevils it also sounds like you are saying to me people should put up with any old abuse in relationships just so they can get to their old age and still be married. What rubbish!

TheOneWithTheHair · 12/01/2013 09:12

Don't go and get him. You poor thing.

Original poster

AmIOverReacting · 12/01/2013 09:14

No way am I going to pick him up, I've just left the house so when he does get there tough luck because no one is in and no one has a spare key

I can't believe he got arrested! I sent a text saying I've had enough and he needs to grow up and sort himself out and that I need space for a few days to decide if this relationship is what I want because I'm not going to just carry on and let him continue doing whatever and if he wants to do that then that's fine let me know and his bags can be packed on the door step in an hour

OP posts:

Belini · 12/01/2013 09:14

I put up with this kind of thing for 8 years op (stupid I know). For the first 4 years I did what you are doing phoning, texting, waiting up & going nuts when he did come in. It didn't change anything. For the next four years I gave up caring I didn't call or txt & went to bed. When he did turn up he wanted to apologise I would just say its fine, don't worry I'm tired go to sleep. He didn't know what to do. He would be very "good" for a while after that but then we'd be back to square 1. We split over something unrelated to this but he is now doing the same to his new gf.
I'm not saying all men are the same but if you allow him to have so little respect for you he probably won't change.

tallwivglasses · 12/01/2013 09:15

She's off collecting him. He'll come home and go to sleep, leaving her alone with the baby. He'll wake up full of remorse and promise that this time he means it, he'll never do it again. She'll accept that. (Hope I'm wrong...)

He'll do it again. She'll come back to mumsnet. We'll be here.

Gigondas · 12/01/2013 09:15

Good text. Hope you are going to do something nice today .

Original poster

AmIOverReacting · 12/01/2013 09:15

thebride i completely agree, can you imagine the grief I would get if I did this. I'd get called an unfit mother and alsorts

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 12/01/2013 09:16

X-posted! I was wrong! Good for you OP. take no shit, woman, you're an inspiration

Original poster

AmIOverReacting · 12/01/2013 09:19

tall I haven't collected him and there's no way he can get in the house.

OP posts:

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