Need a bit of advice and opinions please. Im feeling guilty but more due to guilt tripping than having done wrong. Dp and I really wanted a baby. Went through a year of trying then IVF twice before,against all odds as the ivf team said, got our DD now 18m. Years before I had always said I never wanted kids (in my teens) but when i found I may not be able all my mother could say was you didnt want them to get on with it everybody else does. Bear this in mind as I go on, I think it matters.
From day one my mother was wanting to know everything. She bought everything for a second room at her own without telling us. I had problems with this. She had my sister and I cause our dads wanted kids. She never really did although she would love to babysit growing up. she did suffer pnd to be fair and so did I. That doesnt excuse the reasons for getting pregnant however. As I struggled to cope, and at times still do, I would stay overnight at hers with the baby. At about 8 months for the first time I let DD stay over on her own. I felt a bit pressurised but I DID need the break. After a while it became a regular every other week thing. As time went on however I would sit worrying rather than relaxing to the point of being so worked up before the overnight stay began I would be snappy and moody.
My DP can be difficult to get on with and family do tread on eggshells at times but I have to admit he has been right on a few occasions. My mother making comments that baby doesnt want to go to him when she is in which although true 99% of the time is hurtful to him. She sees it as a laugh. She is very clingy. She wants to be part of every event I have with DD be it santa or first trip to beach etc. She had her turn twice with my sis and me. I spent most of my time with my grandparents. I was blamed for all the trouble with my stepdad.
She never visited me in the 5 years I lived away from her. Now she visits whenever she can. Not for me but to see DD. DP thinks its a selfish love she has. In town she took DD out the pram and so on. Problem was to put her back in. DD wouldnt even come to me. I couldnt get her in pram, she kicked and screamed for 20 minutes. Everybody looking and this was AFTER my mum had left us! It the same every time she leaves.
We have certain rules which I feel are taken note off but other things we are not told. Like the firsts. New words, new actions. people DD has been taken to see, places she has been. In a space of around 30 hours she is away we think she is in the grandparents house when in reality she has been at strangers (to us anyway) houses and miles in the opposite direction from where we thought! To be fair it was to a supermarket, but not a location we thought she was. It the fact she is not where we believed her to be really. If anything were to happen.... We dont drive.
They smoke outside yet it still lingers and DD reeks of it. Ive stated my feelings they say they will stop. Now this week DD slept longer and the grandparents came back later to pick her because of it. I get a call saying they were back home and no one answered the door. Ok so no one heard the door. I asked if they would come back down to collect her. No money troubles. but would be down next day to visit as usual. Heres the thing same amount of travel time whether it was today or tomorrow so whats the problem? It has been made out that taking DD is to help me but I KNOW they do it for themselves. If Im out they mysteriously turn up by "chance" and are all over DD. they already see her once a week everyweek!
So I get a message about visiting on weekend to see DD but said we are going on. Why? because I wouldnt take DD to them on the day they called. FB status from them they were bored and wanted to lash out. Now I just think its taken too far. I want to stop overnight stays. But Im feeling guilty. DD loves being there. They love her. My DM is very OTT with DD and it really is nauseating to watch. My partner cringes. Is she being manipulative? I feel my judgment is clouded.