To expect DH to be 100% on board with this new parenting malarkey?

[milkwagon]

I'm going back to work soon. I have been the primary carer since DC was born and can count the number of times we've been apart on one one hand. I have been to weaning 'classes', sought advice from HV, bought books and quizzed friends with kids on all things weaning/childcare in preparation for my return to work. DH will be looking after DC on his own on a number of days when I return and for this reason have been trying to keep him informed of routine/what I've found out about weaning and generally trying to reach joint decisions on the best approach. I think he is interested to a point but I'm fed up of having to do everything and end up making decisions on my own. Now when I think back, I feel like I've single handedly raised DC for the first months of their life. When DH is looking after them I just see him sitting on the sofa with them, or just puts DC down and doesn't get 'hands on' enough for my liking. I've tried to encourage him to play with DC, or read to them but seems quite uncomfortable with this. I've brought him along to various baby groups/sing & sign classes but he is quite happy to sit back and leave it up to me to do the class/group.

At the end of the day we've always had a fair and equal relationship when it comes to decisions and career aspirations. I abhor inequality and sexism, and so does my DH. However since motherhood has waded in I feel like I have 'regressed' into a stereotypical role from the 1950s. It's not how I imagined it would be and expected DH to be completely on board with sharing all aspects of parenting, so what's happened? I'm worried he will get a shock when he has to look after DC on his own.

AIBU that in this seemingly modern age of shared parental responsibility and equal rights for all etc. that at the end of the day decisions on raising a child will always be the domain of the mother? Because, at the end of the day, that's how I regretfully feel.

Maybe his parenting style is more relaxed from yours and a bit different? It doesn't mean his way, or yours, is wrong.

Give him a bit of a chance.

Have you spoken to dh about how you're feeling?

Him. I suppose a large part of why I feel this way is because I've been there 24/7 to make such decisions on a daily basis. I guess it will change when I'm at work & DH has no option but to make decisions on his own, etc.

You are BU and NBU in a mixture. Yes you are right that DH should be pulling his weight. However, you are being U to expect that he will do this in the same way as you do. If you are constantly watching he won't be able to develop his own style. Your child won't be harmed by sometimes being left to his own devices a little while DH sits of the sofa nearby - so long as the child is safe. If the DC gets bored and fractious then DH will learn for himself the consequences of not engaging - or perhaps the child will appreciate some quiet time. Your DH and DC ned to be allowed to work out what their dynamic is between the two of them though. Same goes for classes - of course DH isn't going to pitch in if you are there and it seems like your territory - either send the two of them in and go and do something else yourself, or let DH find (or find for him with consultation) a different class that you haven't done, which can be his special thing that he does with DC without it feeling like he's just substituting for you.

I think your hubby just has a different parenting style - he sounds a lot like me actually! I find it really hard to read stories to someone who can't understand a word of it. And while I can get happy and clappy with the best of them at a baby and toddler group, I feel weird doing that on my own at home. Your husband just seems happier to go with the flow and trust his own instincts than you do. Don't patronise your husband by assuming he won't be able to cope. He will almost certainly be fine and, if not, you can worry about it then. Good luck!

I think you should make the most of having different ways of looking after the children. We too have different styles. I do/did all the board games, learning things and homework. But my DH is much better at outdoors stuff, teaching them practical skills. They can bake because of me but they know tonnes of useful science / geography stuff because of their Dad. I think you should agree on big things but embrace your differences and see it as your children having a rich and wonderful upbringing otherwise. Don't feel you have to control everything. Relax. Relaxed parenting is the best parenting.

Knock knock.

Who's there? - Now you're supposed to say control freak you.

OK, so I told that wrong. But really OP, lighten up.

He'll find his own way. I've tended to be the reader/researcher in terms of parenting stuff so far, but that tends to be the case in other areas too (holidays for example). To be honest though most of our parenting is just 'whatever works' and we don't own any books.
I went back at 6m and since then DH has done 2 days a week at home with DS (now 22m) plus countless weekends/nights as I work shifts. To start with it was a bit odd for me relinquishing 'control' and for him having whole days/nights, having to take the lead and make decisions etc. But overall within the first month we were pretty sorted and it has continued to work fantastically since. Lots of our friends are jealous of our set up and how close DH and DS are.
We don't do things identically, but do always discuss and agree on the big stuff (discipline, food, routine etc).

what manicbmc said.
I was like you; and wondered why DH didn't delight in birthing classes or read Gina Ford up on baby related articles and books in his spare time.
He is much better now that I've laid off a bit and balances out our parenting really well. But, Ultimately I will feel responsible for most of their care and I am happy with this arrangement.

All good advice. Thanks MNetters. I'm very anxious about returning to work as I guess I'm a bit of a control freak and the thought of 'letting go' is not easy for me. Also, it's all brand new territory for us both, but in different ways. I was thinking of picking a time where I can disappear for the day - spa or something & DH can look after DC for the whole day....and resist urge to call every 5 mins! He can start to find his own parenting style without me breathing down his neck

That might be a good idea. Or even just going out for a few hours for lunch and leaving your dh to it.

It will be fine.

Correct me if I'm wrong but your husband is a man right? I sympathise with your frustration but am not surprised by your husband's parenting methods - they sound pretty similar to the vast majority of men I know. As a general rule (yes, I know some of you will have different experiences & tell me I'm wrong) men & women have a very different parenting style. I skip a heart beat when my oh throws our son up in the air or dangles him upside down, and want to cry when he leaves him to settle himself (despite the fact I know it'll work). It's not easy to accept that he does things differently to me but in a way I'm glad he does. Our ds will get a far more rounded upbringing than if we both did things my way. And our ds would probably grow up to be a bit of a wuss too. X

I was in a similar situation when my DC were tiny. DH had no clue, and no interest in tiny babies who all wanted mummy anyway -and bf all the time-

Now we are in a different phase, I'm back at work, he is taking them to rugby and swimming lessons and for bike rides. Doing reading and homework. Teaching how to fly kite or make a den. He is much better at this stuff than me. And we both agreed we hate all the endless domestic chores so have a cleaner.

DH can now admit he found the baby stage not very interesting, but is a great dad now. And was great at supporting me to do the nurturing. I agree my feminist beliefs found this hard to come to terms with though!

milkwagon yy to disappearing for the day, or half days. Try and do it regularly? Go swimming, meet a mate for lunch, go shopping?

And try not to call home! I am lucky that my job takes 100% concentration and I am usually so busy running around I don't have time to even think about what's happening at home. If yours isn't like that, try and distract yourself in other ways!

It will be great. Great for your DH, fab for your DC and also immensely freeing for you, to not feel you are the only one that can do X/Y/Z which seems a common theme for resentment amongst friends with young children.

You have to be on the same track for 1)Mealtimes/basic routines and 2) your approach to discipline. Everything else, leave him to it.

I totally get where you are coming from. I was very disappointed with my dh when I had my first. We had been very equal before but when dd was born I became the parent and he went to work and when dd needed something it was just far to easy to hand her over to mum. However I went back to work and dh had to step up, and he did. Turns out he didn't have much confidence in his ability to look after dd and so he avoided it. When he had to be there he managed and he is very close to dd now and takes a much more active role in making decisions for her.

I do think it's quite likely that you just have different parenting styles where yours is more "involved" and his is perhaps more "benign neglect"

As long as you trust him not to be genuinely neglectful, like ignoring them because he can't be bothered to deal with them or leaving them in dirty nappies for ages etc, then it's probably fine - I'm sure he will find things he does like doing with them, and/or they will learn to entertain themselves a bit - never a bad thing IMO.

My dh has never read a parenting book in his life. He prefers to parent on the fly and use gut instinct. In fact he does an excellent job 99% of the time. In the past people didn't have baby books or mumsent and had to muddle along.

Everyone has to find their own parenting approach.