To think it's U to give an interview about a traumatic event in front of a 2 year old?

[SchnappsDamnYou]

I was involved in a traumatic event several years ago and have agreed to help someone writing a serious book on said event with research. They are flying out to visit me and will be staying in a hotel but want to spend as much time as possible speaking with me about said event in great detail. I am SAHM but have booked childcare for 2 hours each morning for my toddler (who is only just 2, still BF and usually spends all day with me) so I can help the writer, and will also be available n the evenings when toddler in bed.

AIBU to think it is not fair to expect me to have the researcher hanging about and wanting to talk about the traumatic event the rest of the time when I'm looking after my child in the day? He can understand a lot of what I say and can certainly tell when I'm upset. Also I think I need some firm boundaries in place as this is likely to be draining and distressing for me, albeit worthwhile and for a good cause. I can only give what I can give and the researcher doesn't have children so whilst eager to be helpful,doesn't really seem to understand that time is limited and I can't just make myself available without limits.

I'm starting to doubt myself and think I should not limit him to just the morning sessions and banish him the rest of the day, until the evening. I'm NOT getting paid by the way, I'm doing this to help other victims and for historical purposes, help to formulate policies and response etc and TBH I'd rather not do it at all but want to do the right thing. Thanks...

You are absolutely NBU. As a researcher he needs to be grateful for your time an work around you.

And with ANY research you can withdraw at any time.

I think you're absolutely right, for your own sake as much as your child's.

I think you should help as much or little as you feel comfortable with.
And make that clear from the start.

You're doing a Good Thing,at your expense,don't give more of yourself than you can.

Of course YANBU. If you are volunteering your time then it's entirely reasonable for you to decide on the terms. I guess the only issue is that if it is costly for the researcher to have to travel and stay in a hotel, they are keen to maximise the time available so they may rethink their position. But that's up to them. Up to you if you only want to be available part of the day. It would be totally unsuitable to try to do it without proper childcare in place

YANBU.

You're doing him a favour, so do it on your terms.

I don't think anyone would honestly expect someone to go over a traumatic event for an entire day, would they?

Stick to the morning sessions, and maybe evenings if you feel like it. He might be busy during the day with writing things up etc. anyway.

Thank you! And especially for very quick responses (especially as DS is. Aout to wake from his nap and i will need to run in a sec but this was chewing at me) I just needed to hear from other parents as I was starting to think I was being PFB about shielding my son from all this.

Ps: i do think you need to make your parameters clear from the outset, as it's clearly going to be costly for the researcher with flights and accommodation. Tell them how many hours you will be available and then it's up to them to decide whether they want to go ahead.

I already did two months ago. They just seem eager to hang about playing with toddler and getting in the way chatting to me AFTER the two hour slot. Perhaps they think it will build rapport and be helpful but it won't. I need to do this then switch back into being career for my small child and I don't want to mix it up.

Carer, not career stupid phone

And I don't think you're being PFB - I have a 2 year old who gets incredibly distressed if I stub my toe - no way could I discuss something that could be distressing in a safe or comfortable-as-possible manner with him there.

You need to be really, really clear with boundaries then - you will be available from X until Y and then again from A until B. Between Y and A, the researcher will need to amuse themselves.

And well done for doing this - I'm sure it will be really hard but I hope it also helps you as well as building policies

Thanks again. I think pre-children I wouldn't have understood why a parent wouldn't feel comfortable discussing a traumatic thing with another adult in front of a toddler who has only a few dozen phrases and was sitting nearby banging a dinosaur happily onto a pile of trucks

• but now I know how much DS understands and how he is quite aware of when I am upset or even just not really concentrating on him and talking to another grown up so I think researcher will just have to abide by my rule of closed sessions to discuss events and nothing else when I'm on childcare duty until DS in bed for the night.

YANBU, a two year can take in an awful lot, they won't understand but will understand your tone of voice and if you are distressed. Mine have come to me when, rarely, I've been upset in front of them and given me a cuddle and told me it will be OK. It won't be just a one day but may be day after day so may have a greater impact?

You are absolutely right. To be honest, a good researcher should be able to extract the kind of information they need within those boundaries. They should be looking for points of comparison, contrast and evidence on particular points since they ought to know the general outlines of the topic well before starting. They do not need to live your life with you for hours unless they are an anthropologist or something.

And you need to protect yourself. Ensure you wind up each session a little early so you have time to recover before being back on duty, and have easy meals, new DVDs, easy outings planned, etc.

If at any point the researcher appears not to respect your boundaries have a script that you can follow to draw it to a close. If you have a partner, brief them on what you need.

YANBU at all. My DS is 2 and I had the MW over today for the homebirth visit for DC2. Despite the fact that we were chatting happily he was clearly worried about what was going on, and got clingy and upset when she started doing my bp and feeling my tummy. He talked all day about my "sore tummy" even though I tried to reassure him that I was fine and nothing was wrong. He's not normally a clingy child and is great around strangers but he picked up straight away that the MW wasn't a friend and that something serious was going on. I think if you were talking about difficult events in front of your DS and possibly crying he would be very upset. They are far more perceptive at that age than a lot of people give them credit for.

Remember that you're in control of the situation and that the researcher needs to respect that you're giving your time up to help them. A good researcher will totally respect your boundaries and back off any time you say so. If there's any hint of them not doing that, then tell them to go jump.

YANBU. Even if your child doesn't know what you are talking about, he will still be distressed that you are not your usual self. Children are not stupid.

Is there anyone else, like DH, who could tell the researcher that you need to do your talking away from your child. It might be worth making the point that you will be reluctant to give as much as you could to the research when you are wary of your child being around.

When the time is up, can you make it clear that you have other appointments so that even if you wanted to, you are unavailable to babysit the researcher all day. Or make a not so subtle hint of suggestions of local places to visit after the time is up?

Thanks all. This has really helped.