To think there are a lot of one sided relationships around here

[baremadness]

Every thread I read is either "I am all important and dp/dh/dw etc must bow to my every whim" or the complete other end of the scale where the poster thinks their feelings and wants dont matter at all.

Isn't life about learning that we all matter? Aibu?

Oh and it has been 3 years since I last stepped into AIBU so if the vipers could hold back just a little I would be grateful.

Hmm, that's all a bit too general for a response! Can you clarify what you mean with some examples? YABU if you genuinely think all posters fall into those two categories!

I just think it is a lot more prevalent than I thought.

I think mn is giving me a bit of a skewed view of life.

Naturally I am a bit submissive, preferring an easy life. I have always felt that it was an important thing for me to work on. Being more assertive. Realising that my thoughts and feelings are just as valid as everyone elses and to push that point against my instincts. It is a battle to know where to stop and I work hard on finding the balance. It has worked for me and I am a lot better now. People who know me now have no idea of the person i was even 6 or 7 years ago.

Then I start reading how so many people are happy to be walked over or to walk over others. It is no wonder that it is a battle to fight for equality when it doesnt seem to be the preferred space for anyone.

I agree that MN can give you a skewed view of life - people naturally start threads about extreme things, usually situations where one person is trying to assert their needs/wants over another. People don't start threads about how lovely and balanced their relationships are!

It never ceases to amaze me that so many intelligent and educated women put up with awful partners who treat them as little more than childcare, domestic serfs and whores.

But I do think MN is very skewed because I don't really know anyone like this in RL (unless it is me and my group of friends that are out of sync with the rest of society).

That is true and I have said that myself. Though it wasnt the ops that were making me think it was and is the resposes. So many many people saying "he is not behaving exactly how you want him to ltb" or "he has expressed a concern he is being cruel ltb" then you have responses that say "he is not happy you should bow and scrape (or dress up for him)"

Life isnt like that. There has to be middle ground sometimes. It is ok not to agree with someone. Meeting half way is the norm isnt it. 1 person making all the running isnt right.

Exactly what Callisto said.

Ah but I do know people inrl like this. A friend who has never been in a serious relationship because she is unwilling to give an inch to anyone. A friend who knows the way her dp acts isnt ok (not abusive just not giving her feelings the validation they deserve) but 8s unwilling to walk away. Relatives whose dh rules the roost to their detriment and they unquestioningly take it.

In my life most people I know are in relationships far below a standard I would accept for myself. However, among those I have close/frequent contact with, the relationships are much more equal and respectful.

It is important to recognise that MN can skew your perception of relationships because it is those with an issue they need to discuss who tend to post, rather than those in happy relationships. It is important also to recognise that the majority of people are decent.

However, the scale of violence and inequality in relationships generally speaking, is staggering. And once you know the subtle signs that indicate this, it's very, very hard to ignore in RL. Sometimes I wish I was less aware.

1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experience abuse.

Something like 80% of women still do more than 75% of domestic chores in their household, even in households where women work full time.

Much more women than men give up hobbies once children arrive.

I also think that it is human nature (and our western culture tends to perpetuate this further) to be either leader or follower. Even in largely equal relationships there is usually one character marginally more forceful than the other.

Well, there isn't much to post about on "Me and dh are completely fair in every way" without getting accused of smugness is there?

It's like on google, you get the worst case senario because no one blogs "I found a suspicious looking lump and it is totally benign" do they?

But also people do tend to twist stories in their own minds to make themselves better. So they totally believe they're telling the absolute truth as everyone sees it, but others would see it totally differently.
Like when dd1 says she only brushed past dd2 who was refusing to move out of her way, and dd2 says she couldn't move out of her way because she was just taking 2 seconds to stretch and dd1 pushed her hard...

You are generally only getting one side of each situation though really.

Also those with perfect balance really have nothing much to discuss.

But arent those with a good balance the best ones to be advising others? If these relationships are common why dont the people involved dish out the advice?

There's LOADS of good advice on MN though OP. Plenty of crap, but some amazing advice in amongst it. I'd focus on that if I were you. I actually have to stop myself from reading Relationships sometimes, because it gets me thinking really negatively about everything mainly men.

Callisto Tue 08-Jan-13 12:44:07
It never ceases to amaze me that so many intelligent and educated women put up with awful partners who treat them as little more than childcare, domestic serfs and whores.

But I do think MN is very skewed because I don't really know anyone like this in RL (unless it is me and my group of friends that are out of sync with the rest of society).

Don't forget the internet in anonymous though. And most people will tell their friends and put on a different front to the world than the reality that goes on behind the front door.

I'm not totally convinced that the impression we get of friends in RL is any more or less skewed that the one we get on MN.

Its a different way to express thoughts and concerns; I think its natural that you'll get a different picture on an online anonymous survey than one you might get even from an anonymous in person survey for example.

People always feel like they are being judged based on the social setting they are in and act differently in different settings as the 'rules' are different.

Therefore if MN provides an environment where it is more acceptable to admit to there being issues in your life or relationship, then perhaps it will always seem like a different place to RL even if it were exactly the same people expressing an opinion on a subject.