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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister that's the last time

44 replies

plim · 08/01/2013 00:04

That she will treat me like shit.

It's a long story so facts in brief:

Younger sister, turbulent past - artist, clinical depression and years of abusing herself with drink anorexia etc. she has had a rough trot.

For the last two years she has sorted herself out, doesn't drink and is on her way to a 1 st in vet science.

My older brother was also an artist, depressed and drank himself to death. I lived with him and the night he died I left him at 4 am in a drunken mess and went to work, he fell out of bed pissed and must have passed out as he had fluid in his lungs.

I think my sister blames me for this.

My sister was pissed and in a similar state 2 years ago and I left her bedroom to call the dr and she said ' that's right, you gonna step over my body on the floor and leave me to die too'. I ignored it, she was paralytic.

Recently, my family are having a rough patch, hub lost job 2 wks b4 Xmas, we are really broke and in an awful situation. I called my sister and asked if I could have the £400 back that I lent her b4 Xmas. She slammed the phone down and sent me a nasty text saying that's the last time I accept anything off you. I have not heard from her since.

I am tired of being spoken to like dirt. She puts me down a lot, is incredibly difficult to get along with but us my sister.

How do I deal with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 08/01/2013 00:06

Sorry 'is my sister'

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/01/2013 00:08

Sorry to hear this OP

So she's sorted herself out and has stopped drinking...she's back on track with her studies thank goodness.

When you lent her the money, did you put a specific time on when you needed it back?

What was she like financially when you rang her and asked her for the money back?

Original poster
plim · 08/01/2013 00:12

It was a short term loan till she got her student loan next week so I actually called to ask her what date it was as we are broke.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/01/2013 00:17

And how did the conversation actually go?

I'm trying to read between the lines here and wondering if there was any 'tension' or 'attitude' from either of you that caused the conversation to end as it did IYSWIM?

yaimee · 08/01/2013 00:22

YANBU but if you want the money back I think there might be better ways of approaching the situation.
Just try to calmly explain the situation, write and email or text if it's easier than speaking to her, then at least you can get your side across without getting caught up in arguing.
Sorry about your brother, and I'm glad your sister is doing something positive with her life now!
Hope it goes ok!

Original poster
plim · 08/01/2013 00:26

I called her and said I'm not hassling you but when do you get your loan back as we are really skint and she said its always been the 16 th, I said ok then I knew it was next week but forgot when and she said I've told you already it will be the 16 th and put the phone down. Then git ger text. I called her back and texted her basically saying don't be like that, I wasn't being ardent it's just that things are really hard. She has given radio silence since!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/01/2013 00:28

Oh well then YADNBU Sad

It's a shame that you did such a nice thing for her and now she's acting like this.

piprabbit · 08/01/2013 00:33

"that's the last time I accept anything off you"

Does she think that she is doing you some big favour by borrowing your money when you are skint? The obvious reaction is "and that's the last time I'm going to offer".

I realise that you have both had some very difficult experiences and it would be lovely if you could support one another. But it doesn't sounds very healthy for you at the moment.

SquinkiesRule · 08/01/2013 02:56

She's a nasty piece of work even if she has stopped drinking and is doing well in her studies. Take back the money when she gets her student loan and make sure never to let her get that close again.
Now I need to remember this advice and use it myself with my sister, whatever you do it will get thrown back in your face so stop bothering to try. I have.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 08/01/2013 03:33

Some people are 'dry drunks'. The drinking stops but the entitled, addicted, selfish, abusive behaviour carries on. Sorry Sad

HouseOfBears · 08/01/2013 06:18

It's great that she's getting herself sorted out and not drinking etc, if she has attitude like that I can't imagine she'll be very successful as a vet!
Hopefully she will give the money back as agreed on 16th, with a lot more gratitude than she seems to have shown so far.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 08/01/2013 06:36

Tell her to f off. Siblings sometimes need a spanking. I absolutely hate the way that family members treat eachother, jesus youre supposed to love and respect eachother more than strangers or acquaintances, yet the reality is appalling sometimes. Speaking from experience obvs.

susanann · 08/01/2013 07:41

You may have to write the money off I fear. But I think I would sever contact, not that you have any at the moment. Its unfair of her to blame you over your brothers death. I agree shes done well to have sorted herself out (to some extent) but do you really need all that grief and disrespect. I would leave her to it tbh.

AThingInYourLife · 08/01/2013 07:46

Be conciliatory until you get your money back, then cut her off.

Original poster
plim · 08/01/2013 07:55

To be honest it sounds petty when I read my message back as it probably doesn't convey the gravitas of the situation very well. We have had years of getting on well smattered with an awful lot of us not getting on. It is like she feels really hard done by in life, like (we) the work owed her something and yet she is tall, slim, very beautiful, clever, witty and has a very nice set up ( she still lives with my mum and has no bills or responsibilities apart from her gym membership and her car). My hub and I have given her a blackberry, paid for her car to be kept on the road, refitted their kitchen, but them an organic veg box every week - although that's more for my mum tbh etc etc and yet if I ask her to babysit or do anything it's a major problem! Hard one.

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 08/01/2013 07:57

Sorry the world, not the work

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 08/01/2013 08:22

Sorry? Did you just say she lives with her mum, pays no bills apart from gym (!) and car but that you paid for this to be kept on the road and you bought her a blackberry and she also benefits from the refitted kitchen and weekly veg box you send round?

Cut the using selfish cow off.

TandB · 08/01/2013 08:27

Some people in life are takers. No matter whether they are drunk or sober, they will take everything you are willing to give and never acknowledge it or thank you for it because they think they are entitled to it.

With people like that, no matter what you do, the relationship will never get better, but it will get worse every time you say no.

I would be inclined to think very carefully about whether she is the kind of person you want in your life. Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean that you have an obligation to keep pouring money and love and time into them at the expense of your personal wellbeing and financial health.

bringbacksideburns · 08/01/2013 08:31

It sounds like you have been a very good sister. She is a grown up.

Keep your distance from now on and don't put up with being treated like shit.
I think you might have to kiss goodbye to your money though.

nilbyname · 08/01/2013 08:33

Hello op but do you have mug written on your forehead?!

She is taking you for one, and you are letting her, it stops now. I am sorry to hear that you are in financial difficulty, but I would write off the £400 and not be beholden to her in any way. I would also have a very frank conversation with her and let her know that all you do for her is coming to an end, that as much as you love her she is not good for you, it is not a healthy relationship and some space from her is what you need. She will probably kick off, but maintain your stance and she will come round.

Just repeat, space and time, space and time. Be fair, be consistent, tell your mum what is going on and why. Reassure her that she is not part of it, and that the good relationship you have with her will continue. Be cordial with your sister, but stop being a mug.

She is young-in her 20s?- probably the most selfish time of ones life.

Original poster
plim · 08/01/2013 08:37

She's 37 believe it or not but she did spend at least ten years depressed / drunk.

OP posts:
nilbyname · 08/01/2013 08:42

Sorry I must have skimmed over that in your Op.

I still stand by my advice.

FellatioNelson · 08/01/2013 08:46

Oh dear. YANBU. It is alarming that both your DB and your DSis seem to have struggled with the same issues/addictions. Is there a family history of childhood trauma/problems/dysfunction? You don't have to be everyone's keeper you know - you can step back and do whatever you need to do to preserve yourself and your own family and not feel responsible for propping up everyone around you. It is ok to do that. don't feel guilty.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/01/2013 08:54

Well I am immensely impressed that someone as you describe managed to get a place to study veterinary medicine - possibly the hardest university course to get into due to very limited places. Have I understood that right? She will have an excellent income in a few years.

Not very relevant or helpful sorry and yes, she sounds an utter nightmare.

Original poster
plim · 08/01/2013 08:56

She's studying veterinary and equine science.....wants to be an equine researcher.

OP posts: