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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

suspect i may be but here goes

30 replies

city1984 · 06/01/2013 23:12

I have relatives who live overseas. In the past me and the dc have gone on holiday/visit to see them. In the past my mum has paid. Sadly she passed away in 2011. I did not visit in 2012.
My siblings are now talking about going this year. I really want to as relative have suffered a tragic bereavement.
I really want to go but dh basically said he only wants us to pay for holidays we all go on. I have in the past asked dh to come with me but he is not interested.
Aibu to want to go bearing in mine dh has probably spent double the amount it would cost on football and other items that only he and dc benefit from.
Incidently i am a sahm at mo but do have some inheritance left so money won't even be coming out of joint pot.
Thank you.

OP posts:
gimmecakeandcandy · 06/01/2013 23:14

Yanbu at all based on the info you have given, especially about your 'd'h sending double than that. His attitude is shitty, is he always like that?

wannabedreams · 06/01/2013 23:15

I don't see why if it's your inheritance....

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 23:16
Confused

So he controls the money and decides you're worth less than half what he gets?

Nice.

No, YANBU.

BluelightsAndSirens · 06/01/2013 23:16

Go

You want to go

You can pay your share from your money and then half half from other only from DC.

I don't agree with the above because our money is joint but of it suits you then doit.

Please go.

He is behaving like a spoilt child and shouldn't be allowed to continue.

TWinklyLittleStar · 06/01/2013 23:17

Your 'd'h sounds like he's being a total knob, trying to stop you visiting your family particularly when you've had a fairly recent bereavement.

Notoutorabout · 06/01/2013 23:18

Yanbu at all. Particularly since they have suffered a bereavement.

If your conscience is telling you to go, and you have the resources - go.

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 23:22

I don't see a tragic berevement as being a place for children; it won't be much of a holiday for them.

In your position, I would probably fly out midweek for a couple of days, minus the children and use my own money.

Is the bereved person able to cope with you, the children and your siblings all descending at once? is it for the funeral?

CloudsAndTrees · 06/01/2013 23:23

If you are paying for it yourself and its not coming out of family money, then YANBU.

I don't think your DH is wrong to not want to spend family money on it though. You say that he could go, but presumably you could play football too if you wanted to.

mynewpassion · 06/01/2013 23:27

You should use a part of your inheritance to finance the trip for you and the kids to see relatives. Use joint money for a family holiday where you both agree to go on.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 23:27

clouds - yeah, but how come he gets to veto what the money's spent on but she doesn't?

The fact she could play football just as he could come on holiday doesn't seem to be the point - they get equal choice there, but she obviously doesn't veto him spending money on football and he does veto her spending (less) money on the holiday.

(I think I'm reading it right here.)

Original poster
city1984 · 06/01/2013 23:27

Its watching football and at the moment i can't due to ebf dd.
Funeral is over. Planning to visit in a month or so. Probably spend a few days with bereaved relative and rest of week with siblings.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 06/01/2013 23:33

And I thought the mn rule of thumb is to avoid trips with in laws as much as possible. Maybe he thinks spending time with his in laws on a week+ holiday would be hell on earth.

ChaoticintheNewYear · 06/01/2013 23:37

The fact she could play football just as he could come on holiday doesn't seem to be the point - they get equal choice there, but she obviously doesn't veto him spending money on football and he does veto her spending (less) money on the holiday.

This ^^

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 06/01/2013 23:37

Yanbu at all. Yes of course you should go if you have to use 'your' money, but it should come from the family pot IMO

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 06/01/2013 23:43

Of course you should go and the money should come out of the family pot. He does not get to say what it's spent on. If he can spend it on football, you can spend it on flights. Do not use your inheritance money - why should you?

soulresolution · 06/01/2013 23:43

Sounds a really cold attitude from your dh. This is a part of your extended family which is surely therefore part of his and the dc extended family. Even if he doesn't want to go himself he should be more sympathetic to you going and not make you feel it's some indulgence that you have to pay for yourself.

McNewPants2013 · 06/01/2013 23:44

As you are a sahm it's a fair guess to say all money that comes into the house is 'his'

So I really don't see this money as 'yours'

Money aside as it seems you can afford to go then you should go

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 23:46

'As you are a sahm it's a fair guess to say all money that comes into the house is 'his' '

Are we back in the 1820s?

McNewPants2013 · 06/01/2013 23:48

No we are not and my point is that any money that comes into the home should be seen as joint money.

I agree her husband should be supportive of her going

LizzieVereker · 06/01/2013 23:49

YANBU. As long as it won't disadvantage your DCs financially, you should go. And at least some of it should come out of the family pot.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 23:50

Oh, I'm sorry, I understand now! I read it you were saying it's all his money not hers. I take your point.

I think the OP just means that the inheritance made her feel as if she had some money to call her own, but I think it's crap that that don't treat all the money as family money. Even if it's not in a joint account, it's pretty cold to refuse to let your wife go to a funeral.

3ForMe · 06/01/2013 23:52

From what you've said it's

Your money
Your time
Your family ?

Go.

You will regret, maybe even begrudge your dh, by not going.

You do not need his permission. If he spits his dummy out it won't be for long.

CloudsAndTrees · 06/01/2013 23:57

We have 'family' money, DH earns a lot more than I do. Even when he's the one doing most of the earning, I wouldn't be happy about him spending a substantial amount of money on a holiday just for himself. The dc won't be bothered either way, so really it's just one person that wants to go. That's fine if it comes out of their personal money, but not if it's family money. Unless you have loads of it.

If you go on this holiday, would it affect the type of family holiday you are able to go on.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/01/2013 00:07

OP, I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm reading this the same way as others and want to be clear - are you saying you're going to the funeral? Or you're going to visit relatives as a holiday, but want to go because they've had a bereavement recently?

I would be really upset if DH told me I couldn't go to a funeral just so he could have a nicer holiday later in the year - but I'm not sure if I'm understanding rightly that that is what is happening.

Original poster
city1984 · 07/01/2013 00:10

Just wrote a long reply and lost it. Should not affect holidays as mil has a holiday home/flat so use that mainly. Plus odd o/n in hotel which we can still do. Guess i Shouldn't treat inheritance as mine but should be part joint funds.

OP posts:
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