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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to object to this?

18 replies

PatTheDog · 06/01/2013 22:59

Hello, I'm new...

I have posted this in Divorce but would like more opinions please.

H left me at the end of October, said he was seeing someone else and was leaving me and our 3 children, 13, 10 and 8.

My two youngest children (3rd was away with a friend) have come home from a weekend at their Dad's saying that when they got up in the morning, and peeped around his door, Dad said to come and sit on his bed. He was in it, naked, with his girlfriend at the time. They said they didn't see any "private parts" (thank goodness). They have known his girlfriend (she was a friend of his) for a number of years, but they only found out in November that she was his girlfriend. It is only the second time that they have stayed at his and she's been there (and only the third time they've ever stayed there).

I don't think this is appropriate behaviour. Am I being unreasonable? And if not, what do I do about it?

Thank you.

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 06/01/2013 23:01

not sure what you feel is inappropriate?

My youngest often shares a bed with my ex and the OW - she sneaks in early in the morning and they don;t notice!

katiecubs · 06/01/2013 23:04

I wouldn't be happy with this. We're your DC disturbed by it?

If not I guess there is no problem though?!

Original poster

PatTheDog · 06/01/2013 23:05

I think it's just a bit soon to have their relationship shoved in DC's faces. I would have appreciated it if he could have given them time to get over us separating before he told them he was seeing OW.

They also didn't know she was going to be there this weekend. They were looking forward to a weekend on their own with him.

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 06/01/2013 23:05

if you where together would you let them come in to the bedroom? If so then YABU - it's not inappropriate - it's tactless and hurtful to you maybe but I can't see it harming them

gordyslovesheep · 06/01/2013 23:06

Oh I agree he has been too quick to introduce her - but that is done now - they will need to get used to her being on the scene I am afraid

Festivedidi · 06/01/2013 23:07

Well my dd saw dp naked (no private bits) in my bed quite regularly when we first got together so maybe I was being inappropriate without realising .
I appreciate our situation was a little different in that dd's dad doesn't want to know her so he would not be entitled to any opinion at all.

Original poster

PatTheDog · 06/01/2013 23:07

No, I wouldn't let them come in the bedroom - I wouldn't have started a relationship so soon after leaving (during!) my marriage!

I think it bothers me because it bothers them - it upsets them to hear him telling her he loves her, to see them kissing, etc.

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 23:07

Not as if they were in flagrante? How would they know he was naked? I doubt he waved his todger round to give it an airing in front of them, nor did she juggle her boobs

Some people are open about stuff, others are repressed. Chatting to someone in bed isn't a problem.

Provided the children aren't embarrassed I can't see a problem.

Although I'm guessing if the boot were on the other foot and bloke was posting about his ExW and a new fella being nude in bed the answers may be different.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/01/2013 23:09

I think it's far too soon.
Your children need to get used to the idea.
How are they coping with the situation?

Original poster

PatTheDog · 06/01/2013 23:10

Thanks, HBB, that's made me laugh! I think they were sitting up in bed with the duvet pulled up over their chests. It's just that I always had my nighty on!

OP posts:

PandaOnAPushBike · 06/01/2013 23:11

I don't think YABU to not be happy about it, but I don't think there is anything you can do to change it.

Original poster

PatTheDog · 06/01/2013 23:14

That's what I think, LBE: too soon. At least they knew her and she's nice to them... could be worse. They are getting used to him being with her.

At the moment it is a steep learning curve - their dad's left home, is flaunting his new relationship in their face - and they are very distressed that we may have to move out of our house soon. :(

But they seem to be worse just after they've seen him (even though they have a fun time when they're with him), it unsettles them. They settle down again then when they're home and with me and everything's ok. They've adjusted to his departure better than I thought they would.

Things will get easier. Thanks for your concern.

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/01/2013 23:38

Your'e taking it very calmy Op.
I was in bits at that stage when I first separated.
It does get easier, but there was no way ds was going to meet the woman my ex moved in with until much longer into the relationship.
Just as there was no way I'd introduce a man into my life so soon.

BarredfromhavingStella · 06/01/2013 23:41

No I don't think YABU, clearly your DC are not comfortable with this as they have spoken to you about it so nor should you be.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 06/01/2013 23:45

Definitely too soon IMO. Ex and I split in may, in September he took the boys to meet his gf of a couple of weeks. H the next week he invited them for a sleepover, told them he had moved in and they were engaged, then announced at Christmas that they are expecting a baby!

Like yours, my DC are very unsettled whenever they come home from his :(

deleted203 · 06/01/2013 23:54

YANBU, but there is very little you can do about it. You sound as though you are behaving with dignity and concern for your children and I am sorry that you are going through this. IMO it was too soon for your children to be confronted by 'daddy's new girlfriend' in his bed and it's obviously going to be upsetting to see daddy telling someone else he loves her and kissing her, whilst they are still dealing with their feelings from their parents splitting up. You can try speaking to him and explaining that the children were upset at seeing how intimate he is with someone else and ask him if it is possible in future that he sees the children on his own for a little while, without his gf present. I doubt it will do much good, as he sounds selfish and thoughtless, and will probably think it is just 'sour grapes' on your part. But try explaining to him that the children would like the time that they have with him to be 'their' time - with their father focusing exclusively on them, rather than having to share him. At least until they have had time to become accustomed to the fact that their parents are no longer together. Good luck.

larks35 · 07/01/2013 00:05

YANBU. Regardless of how nice this woman is your DCs are having to come to terms with quite a lot and shouldn't have to deal seeing her and your ex in bed. Your ex needs to know this but I have no suggestions on how you broach it with him sorry.

Dominodonkey · 07/01/2013 00:12

Yanbu- I think it would be very quick to introduce a new gf at all let alone one lying in his bed.
Surely they don't live together yet so all he needed to do was not see her fo a night or two.

Tbh it sounds like you are lucky to have got away! X

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