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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to as you all to help me make a list?

22 replies

lunar1 · 06/01/2013 21:53

I have two sons currently 4 and 1, eventually I guess they will leave home and hopefully have a family of their own. The down side to this is I would be a MIL! Since joining MN I have discovered that there are many complicated and conflicting rules and regulations to the position of MIL.

On one hand I can understand that some people have truly overbearing and manipulative relatives, but at the same time there are some utterly ridiculous complaints that make me scared for the future. please help me make a list of rules so i know how to conduct myself in the future.

Thou shall not;

Buy a chocolate advent calender for grandchildren
offer any advice whatsoever
ask to hold any grandchildren
pop round uninvited
phone more often than permitted
Buy underwear for either of my sons
expect to be involved in any celebrations for birthdays/Christmas
ever ask to look after grandchildren/ever say no to looking after grandchildren with 2 minutes notice

Can anyone help with my list?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2013 21:56

Never take your adult sons shopping

Mother and adult DD shopping = Nice day out together

Mother and adult DS shopping = Dragging a grown man around the shops

Strange but mostly true

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 06/01/2013 21:58

Never even look at baby items to have in your own home incase the little one staus overnight

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2013 22:01

If the happy couple fall out...

DD walking out and going to see her mum = Tea and sympathy

DS walking out and going to see his mum = Running back to mummy

You get the picture?

Original poster

lunar1 · 06/01/2013 22:04

OOH i didnt know the shopping one and gold plated im sure you mean never even think about baby items looking would take it far to far!

OP posts:

Original poster

lunar1 · 06/01/2013 22:05

Worra, your good at this

OP posts:

BlackholesAndRevelations · 06/01/2013 22:06

Don't buy your grandchildren masses of huge toys (ride-on, dolly set) just after Christmas.

larks35 · 06/01/2013 22:13

I have a problem with your list, to me much of it is a wish-list

Buy a chocolate advent calender for grandchildren - he loved it this year! She held off until now (he's nearly 4) as she knew I didn't like too much of the sweet stuff for him. Up til' this year she hand-made advent calendars with all sorts of little gifts!
offer any advice whatsoever - generally don't get this, but if I did I know I could take or leave it without giving offense.
ask to hold any grandchildren - always welcome in my house!
pop round uninvited - never happens but if it did it wouldn't be a problem for me, DP might feel differently.
phone more often than permitted - phone as often as you like, I just won't answer if it ain't a good time.
Buy underwear for either of my sons - saves me a job.
expect to be involved in any celebrations for birthdays/Christmas - Christmas and Easter are shared between families and birthdays are open to anyone who fancies it really.
ever ask to look after grandchildren/ever say no to looking after grandchildren with 2 minutes notice - any offer of childcare gratefully received and never expected.

FWIW, MIL is great but lives 120 miles away, is nearing 70 and disabled so I always feel grateful for anything she can do for us. My mum is further away, older and recovering from 2 serious illnesses. I am often jealous of some of the complaints I see on here about interfering MILs but am aware that the grass is always greener.

BreconBeBuggered · 06/01/2013 22:21

Don't...forget that your DIL's hearing is likely to be better than yours and she will actually catch the throwaway remark about the state of her kitchen that you make to FIL as you're getting into your car.

Original poster

lunar1 · 06/01/2013 22:35

larks, it can be hard when nobody lives close. my inlaws live abroad so we see them once a year for 2 months when they come to stay

Mental note made to make sure when i complain about the dirty kitchen to DH i put the blame firmly with my DS!

OP posts:

Backtobedlam · 06/01/2013 22:44

Don't treat make your DIL feel like a guest in her own home, dont swear at the grandchildren or about them whilst they are in ear shot, don't call a 4yr old down when happily playing to watch an 18 horror film....I have a list of donts as long as my arm, I'm going to be a fab mil I'm sure!

gordyslovesheep · 06/01/2013 22:46

never ever make a STOCKING for your grandchildren

do not T Rex in Asda

Original poster

lunar1 · 06/01/2013 22:53

what on earth is wrong with a stocking?

Am i allowed to swear at my own ds's when they are adults

ill save the t rex for tesco

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 06/01/2013 22:59

Lunar apparently GP's doing a stocking for everyone spoils the magic

Original poster

lunar1 · 06/01/2013 23:02

I'm surprised at that, given that we tell our children he visits every house in one night i'd have thought he would have enough magic for a few extra stockings!

OP posts:

Original poster

lunar1 · 07/01/2013 16:14

Discovered a new one today. My friend was complaining that her mil had bought her dh and his brother tickets for something that they have shared as a hobby since they were children.

Apparently the mil should have checked with my friend if it was ok with her first. I completely forgot this was real life and told her she was being completely ridiculous and unreasonable. It did not go down well!

Thou shall not buy gifts for adult ds without first taking permission.

OP posts:

cantspel · 07/01/2013 16:20

If they allow you to baby sit never sort the washing whilst baby is asleep as if you see your dils pants bad things happen

PessaryPam · 07/01/2013 16:40

Don't offer to smack the DCs
Don't criticise the DCs in any way
Don't refer to any oddities in the DCs like jug ears
Don't have a snappy dog
Don't offer to FF
Don't offer to BF either
Don't display any form of '-ist behaviour
Don't put anything in the tumble drier
Don't give the DCs poison AKA chocolate

Original poster

lunar1 · 07/01/2013 16:59

No danger of me sorting the washing, I barley do my own, I'm curious to know what happens if I were to see a dil's pants though!

What is wrong with a dryer, are they like the work of the devil and I never realised?

OP posts:

ledkr · 07/01/2013 17:01

When they have a baby and tell you that they will not be up to overnight visitors but visit as much as you like during the 3 days they are in hospital. Listen to them. Don't visit in hospital just as you know they are leaving and then engineer following them home where your overnight stuff is waiting. Do not then kick off about being hungry before eventually leaving at ten reluctantly.
Nb if your dil is sobbing for hours it probably means you need to leave.

I am a mil op and my dil and I are great friends. I adore her and even though her and ds have split up she is still a big part of my family.

Proudnscary · 07/01/2013 17:02

@ 'don't offer to breasfeed either'

Original poster

lunar1 · 07/01/2013 18:33

Glad there is some hope ledker

OP posts:

Jins · 07/01/2013 18:38

Don't treat your DIL as if she is nothing to do with your family
Don't refuse to pay for her meal when you are paying for everyone else
Don't constantly harp on about how much you loved one of his ex girlfriends
Don't tell your grandchildren that their mother has very strange views and they should ignore her
Don't tell your friends that you cried for weeks when your son married your DIL

etc

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