To ask DH to be a bit more flexible about this weekend away?

[freddiefrog]

DH and I have 2 children of our own, and we also foster.

We are currently having a nightmare time with our FC, getting arrested, absconding in the middle of the night, not coming home, stoned and/or drunk, lots of picking them up from random police stations at 3am, gobbing off and aggression, stealing from us, etc, etc.

I'm hoping that this is just a blip and once everyone is back to school tomorrow, we'll get them back into a routine and things will calm down but things have been really rough the last few weeks.

DH is a helper at a local youth club. Next weekend there is an activity weekend that he is supposed to be helping at - neither of our DDs wanted to go so i will have both DDs here as well as FC.

Last night in the midst of another drama with the police, I suggested that maybe he speak to the other leaders about not relying on him going as a helper, as I didn't really want him to leave me on my own to cope with it all. If FC has calmed down in the meantime, then fine, but I don't think it's entirely fair on our kids to be dragging them out at 3am to collect a drunk, aggressive FC from yet another police station

The difficulty being, that the venue is quite some distance from us, at least a couple of hours drive, more like 3. If it was local then it wouldn't be a problem

I'm spoiling his fun, not letting him 'do anything' and making him miss out (while conveniently forgetting the weekends he's already been on this year, the nights out, etc) and is adamant that he must go

So, is it really that unreasonable given the circumstances at the moment, to ask him to hang fire a bit and see what happens with FC over this week before insisting he go?

Yanbu, I have the utmost respect for foster carers, but when you take on that responsibility you do knowing you will have to make some sacrifices in your own life.

When was the last time you got a weekend away op?

I went to a music festival for a weekend in the summer. I do get out and about

I just think that while we're in the midst of a bit of a crisis with FC, he needs to consider staying here, and warning the rest of the helpers in case they need to find a replacement.

If its all calm, then no problem, but right now I don't feel that I can cope with it on my own, I just can't be in 2 places at once.

If it was local, and I could get him back in an emergency, then no problem either.

IF DH doesnt do the youth club thing, will that trip have to be cancelled?

TBH, I'd leave it till Thursday, and if the FS behaviour hasn't improved, tehn ask Dh to stay, if everything is on an even keel, no reason why he can't go. youth clubs would fold if weren't for the army of parent-helpers.

Meant to ask, is this a long term placement for your FS?

IMO, it depends on how 'needed' your DH is for this weekend. If he's required to be there and would be leaving them in the lurch, then if he's committed to being there, he should go.

If it were me, and my child was arrested and I couldn't get to them to bring them home, they'd stay there until the morning!

No, the trip won't be cancelled if DH doesn't go.

He's going as a helper, but there are other adults happy to take his place if he doesn't, and the venue have their own staff. I think he should warn the others, rather than spring it on them at the last minute.

I'd love to leave the FC at the police station until morning, but they have to have an appropriate adult and the police/SS insist we do it

It's longish term, they've been here a few months already.

How old are your own dd's?

You aren't going to like my opinion on this, and I'll probably be hounded off the boards .... but here goes.

You have reasonably small children, I assume, as you would have to drag them out of bed to go with you.

Not often I would be so presumptuous to tell other parents what their job is - but your children come first. If your FS is so disruptive, then he needs to be found a placement with a family that don't have children still at home. Your children do not deserve to have their life impacted by what is effectively a transient stranger.

I know I'll be shredded and told that foster children get passed from pillar to post, have issues, can't settle, get damaged and unable to form relationships - and I concur that is often the case.

Our DDs are 7 and 11

FC has been absolutely no problem in the past. This behaviour is fairly recent, but I have to say after last night's shennanegans, social services have a lot of work to do, or we will suggest finding another placement

I'm hoping that once FC and friends are back at school/college tomorrow, things will calm down.

I have to agree with Holly.
What your family is doing is amirable. Truly amazing but you have your own young children to consider. Not only is the FC's behaviour going to physically drain your children, with you having to get him from the police station at all hours, it may be harming them mentally, witnessing this behaviour and its effects on their mother and also their parent's relationship.
Maybe this foster child would be more suited to a home with older or no children. IMO it is too disruptive to your children's lives.

As I said though fostering is amazing and you should be proud of yourself for trying to help this child.

YANBU your husband can't leavr you to deal with all of this.

I also agree with holly.

You need to discuss this with your SW liaison, just in case DH is away at the weekend and FC gets into strife again.

DH does seem to be being a bit of a chopper about it all though. If this was the only weekend he could possibly go away the whole year it would be one thing, as it's not he is being VU.

Thanks.

To be honest, our FC has been fine, not disruptive in the slightest. We've never had any problems with them, settled in well, no trouble with police or absconding, no drink or drugs, respectful with our kids, everything was absolutely fine.

They seem to have gone massively off the rails over the last 2 and a half weeks - coinciding with the Christmas holidays (they're all off school, their friends have no curfews so they're staying out all night drinking and getting stoned, social services is virtually closed until Monday so we're relying on emergency out of hours cover for support and it's all gone tits up) we'll see how it goes over the next 2 weeks once they're all back at school. We have discussed it today and if this continues, and social services don't deal with this properly, we will be deciding whether they stay or not

I agree with CaptChaos, perhaps you need to get SS to help you that weekend. If your FC ends up far from home that night or in the cells you need to tell them that you are unable to pick this child up in advance. They need to step in and help. I think your OH deserves to go on the trip, you clearly both have a passion to help young people and this trip could be the positive boost he needs. It probably feels very doom and gloom at the moment.

Sounds like your FC is suffering from Christmas to me. I used to get that too. Not that I ever went out and got drunk, I just hid from the world a different way. I'd say you are not being unreasonable to ask your DH to say "I may have to pull out at the last minute" but in your position my Foster Mum would have been on the phone to SS telling them to help or find another placement for the child.

I was going to say what I would do in your situation but I remembered that having to deal with the Social Services and social workers is something I just cannot cope with. Huge respect for you and your DH for coping with other people's messed up kids, from someone who has been that messed up kid xxx

I really don't want to stop him going, and I wouldn't anyway, but I just can't deal with all this and our kids on my own and he can't see it from my point of view.

We have asked them for respite for the weekend but they said no.

I will be ringing SS tomorrow and throwing all my toys out of my pram, they have been utterly, utterly useless

It's not that I can't cope dealing with SS, it's that they've been utterly incompetent. I've left dozens of messages, none of which have been returned, I simply can't get through to anyone. We've even been down to the offices and nothing.

My FC doesnt even have a social worker at the moment, she's off on maternity leave and no one has replaced her. It's a real mess

Re the FC , could you contact the team manager or the IRO re lack of key worker?

We spent 10 years doing foster care, I feel for you. Ours were younger and we had an agreement with the Social workers never to place any kids with us older than our own kids, as we didn't want them being the influence over our kids as they grew. It worked out well.
There are other homes we know who seem to thrive on the chaos of serving all ages at once, but we wanted to try and maintain a calm home and have a calming influence on the kids we looked after.
If they aren't settling into your home and rules, maybe it is time to ask the workers to keep them in mind for a move if they come across a more suitable setting.
I think one trip to the Police is something I'd have done, two trips I'd be getting a little bit pissed off, more than that I'd have the social workers go and collect them from the police and have a "talk" on the way back to your house.
Our Social workers had someone on duty 24/7 so one of them would have been called to do the pick up.

Another thought, one of the local families here kept getting the run about with a problem child, they coped as best they could, called daily, got no where. Finally they told the worker who answered something needs doing now or we will be bringing x with his belongings to your office for drop off and you will have to do something about him. They had that child moved to a more suitable home before tea time. Sometimes you have to get mean or they will walk all over you (the workers not the kids)