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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been a bit annoyed about this (Bfeeding) comment

27 replies

FoamingBathBoak · 04/01/2013 20:50

Pregnant with DC1 and due any day now.

Met with a friend who has 2DDs for coffee. Talking about life with a newborn and the obstacles, she looks me in the eye and says "breastfeeding can be hard, but you need to persevere no matter how difficult it gets"

Didn't think it was really any of her business to dictate this to me. Also, she has bf her two with only some minor hiccups, all quickly resolved, so easy for her to say

I didn't say anything, just nodded, but feel a little bit cross about it now

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 04/01/2013 20:53

Yanbu, I found comments like this very annoying and unsupportive too.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 04/01/2013 20:53

Oh, love, welcome yo the wonderful world of Parenting.

Just smile and nod and do what the friff you want.

AmberSocks · 04/01/2013 20:54

she might be trying to be helpful,because she found it but is now glad she stuck at it?

there are better ways of saying things though.

Cherriesarelovely · 04/01/2013 20:54

So true and great advice Chaos!

Fakebook · 04/01/2013 20:56

Well she's being R and U. You really do have to sometimes persevere and keep trying. My nipples bled and were raw with dd. I couldn't breast feed because it was so painful. So I stopped for 2 days and ff dd, and the my sister forced me to try again. That first day was so painful but gradually it got better and by the end of the third day I was a pro. I combined fed both my babies happily.

Sometimes, I know, persevering doesn't do jack shit, so there is nothing to be ashamed about if you end up bottle feeding, as long as you know you gave it your best shot.

HappyJustToBe · 04/01/2013 20:56

I can understand why that would grate. My DM was constantly telling me how hard breastfeeding was and that lots of women can't. Not helpful either.

I spent most of my pregnancy and the first six months mad that I seemed to be public property. I was a lot happier when I decided to ignore all comments and do things how I wanted. You'll be great and it is your opinion that matters here.

timidviper · 04/01/2013 20:56

Selective deafness is a really useful aid to parenthood, switch it on now, you'll get many years af happy use out of it!

Fishandjam · 04/01/2013 20:58

YANBU, but try not to get annoyed. As chaos says, you'll get plenty of well meant but hogwhimperingly irritating advice. The trick is definitely to nod, smile, say "That's useful to know, thanks"... and then do what works for YOU. The hide of a rhino comes with time...

redexpat · 04/01/2013 20:59

Putting her in the best possible light, she's warning you that it sometimes takes a bit of getting used to, and not to give up at the first hurdle.

However, you need to persevere no matter how difficult it gets totally invalidates her good intention.

I guess you will know who not to ask for advice from.

nethunsreject · 04/01/2013 21:00

Agree with the smile and nod comments.

People use pregnant women and new parents as a means of de-briefing from their own early parenting experiences.

If you do want bf support, it is out there - NCT, BfN, ABM, etc. If you don't need/want it then don't use it. It really is your business how you parent your child and, short of abuse or neglect, other people ought to keep out.

All the best with whatever you do.

Cabrinha · 04/01/2013 21:00

Impossible to tell without knowing you both and your history.
If you have already told her you want to bf, it's not unreasonable. I've heard plenty of women say they weren't told enough that it could be hard.
I see this as you now have someone who is supportive of bf and knows it can be hard - so someone you could call and say "help, it hurts, what can I do?".

ELR · 04/01/2013 21:01

I'm sorry but I agree with her, but I would have asked you first what you were planning to do and if you were planning the bottle i would have kept quiet.
I also would have said to try your best to persevere not say you must persevere.
My sil has just had a baby a few days ago she is bottle feeding, all I said was oh great I get to feed him when I visit. But in my head I was thinking OMG, why isn't she breast feeding.
I know it's up to her but I can't help the way I feel but I would never tell her as its her choice.

Tralalalaha · 04/01/2013 21:02

Ack. Get used to it. Sorry, but it comes with the territory. I went back to work after six months and some man I barely knew walked up to me and said 'what are you doing back so soon? Your poor baby'. I think I would have been judged leniently if I pushed him out of a window. However, by that point I'd had so much unsolicited and often barking mad advice it was water off a slightly irritated duck's back.

maddening · 04/01/2013 21:09

I think it depends where she's xoming from - have you said you hope to bf - if so then probably you've taken your friend trying to be supportive the wrong way - or she came across wrong. Otherwise yanbu.

bluer · 04/01/2013 21:16

My friend said similar to me today. I said I would obviously see how it goes but I want forcing myself to continue if it didn't work for me. She said it was far less hassle etc than bottles, sterilising etc and kept saying just ask me for advice. I will of course but I do feel that there is a lot of pressure on new mums to do this. I was bottle fed and i'm not damaged (as far as I know! )

Original poster

FoamingBathBoak · 04/01/2013 21:16

She's a close friend and I know she struggled with BF, but they were issues in the first few days, maybe first week. I think this is all she understands of 'difficulties', not realising it can be much, much tougher for other women.

Eg My stepsister (DSS? DSsis??) would have gladly BF her DS1 till he was speaking in whole sentences, but managed I think just over a month, due to a whole host of horrible issues. She still talks about it years after with guilt (he has allergies and doing badly at school while her next DS who was BF past 2 is healthy and seriously smart - I say coincidence, she says the lack of bmilk did it!?!?! Crazy lady). So I do know that sometimes perseverance isn't always enough. I can't stand it when people think if they can do something, then everyone else should be able to. So bloody egotistical (even though my friend is quite lovely normally, just a bit blinkered here)

I'm going in with my eyes wide open and hoping for the best, seems I should start growing that rhino hide while I am at it!

OP posts:

Original poster

FoamingBathBoak · 04/01/2013 21:19

Ps I've not mentioned my intentions but I think she assumes I will

OP posts:

TiddlyOmPomPom · 04/01/2013 21:21

Tbh I don't think what she said was particularly awful, just a bit pushy/bossy, which is par for the course as soon as people find out you're expecting!
Some women genuinely don't realise bfing can be hard and fraught with difficulties, so maybe she thought she was being helpful by pointing it out.

Either way - you can tell her to mind her own beeswax if she brings it up again.

I'd love to persuade a pg friend to bf her DC2, as she BFd her DC1 easily, but she simply doesn't want to do it this time and will be FFing from birth. Absolutely none of my business, so I've just been supportive of her decision, she's a grown woman and doesn't need my input. I keep having to remind my self to bite my tongue tho!

Original poster

FoamingBathBoak · 04/01/2013 21:21

Actually I think I am a bit annoyed that she's assumed this, come to think of it

Maybe I'm being hormonal but surely no one has the right to assume this? It's my body. Guess i am feeling like it is public property now, as someone said unthread

OP posts:

WifeofPie · 04/01/2013 21:22

It sounds like it was just worded wrong. I think perhaps she may have been trying to say that it can be hard graft (to prepare you), not that you should continue at all costs?

Original poster

FoamingBathBoak · 04/01/2013 21:25

Nethuns, your debriefing comment is spot on - MIL is using my pregnancy as her own personal pregnancy and birth debriefing I think. I know WAY more than I ever needed to about that now, ahem

OP posts:

PeppermintCreams · 04/01/2013 21:28

YAB a bit unreasonable.

I think she was trying to be helpful and worded it really badly. However, if you didn't ask her for breastfeeding advice, or having a conversation about it, it was a bit rude to give you strong unsolicited advice that like.

If someone asked me about breastfeeding I would say something along those lines like, "It can be an absolute nightmare in the beginning, but it does take 6-8 weeks for everything to settle down, so if you really want to breastfeed try and persevere until then." Plus the practical stuff like groups, mumsnet etc. But I would never offer any sort of advice unless I was asked or I thought someone was fishing for info.

Just smile and change the subject.

Good luck with everything!

MsVestibule · 04/01/2013 21:28

It's only just begun...

BF? Wrong! Baby will never sleep through the night, you won't be able to get him into a routine. FF? Wrong! He'll grow up with allergies and all sorts. SAHM? Wrong! Giving up your financial autonomy, you'll also become really boring. WOHM? Wrong! Why did you have a baby if you're just going to put them into a day orphanage. Co-sleeping? Wrong! You'll never get them into their own bed, the relationship with your DP will suffer. Baby in own room before they're six months old? Wrong! Higher risk of cot death, baby needs to feel close to you. I could go on (fussy eaters, bedtimes, TV watching etc) but I'm boring myself with the sheer tediousness of it all.

I'm not joking. It's non stop and I envy those who can laugh it all off and just do what they want without worrying about other people's opinions.

pamelat · 04/01/2013 21:34

Mrs vestibule

Love it and so true, you can't win

Op, breastfeeding can be a nightmare. I managed 5 and 4 months with my DC's and whilst I'm glad I did it/preserved/whatever, I'm always quite jealous of those that FF.

I think I'd have been a happier mummy if I had.

But welcome to the world of self judgement and guilt!

FernieB · 04/01/2013 21:34

Welcome to motherhood! Everyone will tell you what you ought to do and you will get confused and stressed because you worry that you can't live up to their expectations.

You are your baby's mum and only you know what is right for you and your baby. Ignore everyone else. When they impart advice, listen (or look as though you are listening) and then do what you feel is right regardless of what they said. Have confidence in yourself and your decisions.

BTW I have twin DD's and had an awful time with midwifes and health visitors who tried to force me to bf. I had to bottlefeed as I had no milk but they still made me feel like the worst mother in the world and as if it was my fault for not trying harder. My GP was brilliant and in front of my health visitor said I'd be mad to even try to bf with twins. I soon learnt to ignore whatever the midwife and health visitors said and carry on doing my own thing. My DD's are now 12, doing well at school and very healthy - it hasn't had a negative effect on them. The big advantage with bottlefeeding is that you know exactly how much your baby has had and can then predict when they will next need feeding.

Anyone who can bf - that's great, but please dom't make those who can't or don't want to feel bad.

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