to be hurt by this friend's inaction? Or am I hopelessly old fashioned?

[shoalfish]

Sorry if this is long, I want to give background for context! I have an old friend, we've known each other for over 20 years, since uni, and were very close back then. After uni, I would regularly visit her and her family, 200 miles from where I lived at the time, and we spoke all the time on the phone. As can happen, the contact did gradually dwindle, as she married (I was bridesmaid) and had children, and I moved to the other end of the country and the visits went down to once a year, then meeting up every couple of years if I holidayed in her region, or came up for a special event. When we did meet though, it was like no time had passed and we would pick up where we left off. Phone calls similarly tailed off - in part because she basically only talked about her kids, which I found increasingly difficult to cope with once I was married and embarking on 5 years of fertility treatment. However, I still considered her a good friend, even if we only meet up very occasionally.

So 2012 happens - a very mixed year for me, I lost my mum in the spring, when I was 7 months pregnant after yet another cycle of IVF. My mum was fond of this friend, always asking after her, and had even stayed with her parents a couple of times when we were up there for christenings and such like. Friend messaged me on Facebook with condolences and to find out funeral arrangements, but was unable to come. Two months later I give birth to a wonderful DD, and again on FB I get a very short congratulation message from friend.

The upsetting thing for me, and maybe I am just old fashioned, is that she did not bother to mark either event with a card or a personal message other than on FB. I travelled hundreds of miles to her kids' christenings, sent them presents and cards when born and for first birthdays and christmases, yet she cannot be bothered to so much as send me either a condolences card for my mum, or a congratulations card on the birth of a much longed for, and long awaited child? There was no christmas card either.

So AIBU to feel more than a little upset and hurt by her? Is this friend subtly dropping contact with me - if so, why is she sending me invites to parties 400 miles away (we went to one last year, can't make this years). I know she has my address as she asked for it again last year and I sent it on to her.

AIBU, or just hormonal and oversensitive?

I can see why you feel a bit hurt but obviously your friend is currently finding it too much effort to stay in better contact. If I was you I would just accept that she's not going to be part of your life at the moment. However it is common for relationships that were strong to picked up at a later date e.g. once the kids have their own lives. This is certainly the case with my parents who are now in regular contact with friends that they didn't see for years on end.

Congratulations on your baby :) & sorry to hear about your Mum :( What an emotional year you have had.

I don't think you are BU to feel hurt by her. Though, it's hard to say, without knowing her, how hurt you 'should' feel. If she's the sort of person who doesn't send cards/presents ever then it's less 'personal' but if she's the sort of person who would normally send cards/flowers/gifts etc then it seems even more hurtful.

Cards mean different things to different people. I am not a card person, i either write or pick up the phone (DH thinks I'm odd - why would I send a card to express my condoplences when I have phoned or visited or written?)

Your friend has acknowledged events in your life - you may not like social media, but it the current communication method.

Ten years ago the complaint would have been that an email had been sent rather than a hand written letter.

Also, time does move on - you were able to travel to her events etc becasue you were childless and had no ties. She had children before you and you will find as time goes on and your child gets older, that your time becomes less, and things that were once important cease to be so.

I wouldn't take too much notice tbh
A lot of people seem to think fb & email are ok instead of cards
Insensitive maybe but doesn't necessarily mean she wants to drop you as a friend

I think I'd give her the benefit of the doubt - lots of people don't bother with Christmas cards any more and some people are better at getting round to new baby presents than others. She did contact you on both occasions, which is the main thing.

From what you say you're not very close any more - just FB contact and meeting up once every couple of years, and for that level of frienship I think an FB message in response to bereavement/new baby is pretty standard.

Could it be that she has some big stuff going on in her life and is trying to deal with that?

I know I've been guilty of that in the past. A good friend had a miscarriage at the same time as my beloved grandmother died, this was years ago, and I just couldn't be there when my friend needed me. She told me later that she was really hurt, but I was busy with practical stuff like the funeral, supporting my DDad, and trying to process the grief in my own head.

Another friend lost a baby son just after my own baby son was born. I explained myself to her, but just couldn't be there for her, it was too raw. It doesn't mean I don't feel awful about it now though. I do, I feel terrible.

She is the kind to send cards and gifts - and I've known her get irate in the past because someone hadn't sent her LO a birthday card! I know we are not a big part of each other's lives now, but all the same, we saw them last year for an anniversary party (for which we took time off work, found the money for hotel accomodation for a couple of nights etc), and she knows what we have been through with the fertility treatment and miscarriage, so I just felt a card was not too much to ask for given our history. I still think of her as a good friend, and if the roles were reversed I would definitely have made more of an effort than a token "congratulations" or "sorry to hear about your mum" on FB.

HollyBerryBush - I may have been childless at the time, but I did have ties. To make it to her various events (e.g. christenings) I had to take time off work, find someone to look after my dogs for a few days, and find the money for petrol to drive across the country plus suitable gifts - I wasn't exactly popping around the corner for a couple of hours!! I don't regret any of it, and didn't resent it at the time - our friendship meant enough to me that I was happy to make the effort.

It just feels very one-sided now - we make a massive effort to get to their party last year (mid-IVF cycle as well), yet two major life events for me she barely acknowledges.

Congratulations on the birth of your DD and sorry to hear about your Mum.
I must admit I would feel slightly upset/peed off with this!! It feels very one sided to me...it doesn't take much to send a card for your LO!

I have a friend who lives away and sometimes we won't speak for 6 months etc but I always acknowledge her DC birthdays and send/give gifts as she does with mine....I could never receive gifts from her and not bother sending anything back!! That would feel very wrong and I would feel like I am taking advantage and showing no respect to her as a friend.