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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why should I pay for someone else's mum's care home?

327 replies

Ilovexmastime · 04/01/2013 12:29

I was just reading my DM's copy of The Express (I like to raise my blood pressure every so often) and came across this article: www.express.co.uk/posts/view/368525

It is an article about spending money that we give to the EU on old age care. There is a case study bit in it where a woman is complaining that they had to sell her mum's £140,000 bungalow to pay her £100,000 costs in a care home.

Am I missing something here? Why should I, as a taxpayer, pay for her mum's care home when she has enough money to cover it herself? It wasn't like her mother was ever going to leave the care home and move back home, so why not sell it?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 04/01/2013 20:00

My point was that societal pressures have changed the way families work.

GirlOutNumbered · 04/01/2013 20:01

No one is being judgmental, why do people have to take posts so personally. Obviously, there are many many different circumstances. I was just saying in my experience some people can be really quick to chuck a parent in a home. It happened to my DH grandma.

Of course it's impossible for many families and I was just pointing out that I I didn't like this one aspect of it. Please don't take it as a sweeping statement and assume that I meant ALL. I didn't.

CloudsAndTrees · 04/01/2013 20:05

Pressures from society has changed the way families work, but a couple of generations ago, elderly people just didn't live as long. Nowadays people can be physically so healthy that mental illness like dementia can be with people for a lot longer than it ever used to be.

Lilithmoon · 04/01/2013 20:45

It was a general point and I can't help but take it personally because it is personal to me :(
My mum going into a home was absolutely dreadful, and she was sectioned and so it was all out of our hands anyway.
How she is now is heart breaking.
It is just so horrific for her and for everyone involved.
TBH this sort of thread just pushes my buttons.

GirlOutNumbered · 04/01/2013 20:49

lillithmoon sorry. It's easy to whack out an opinion based on what I know and not think about others.
I hope I don't have to experience what you are going through.

colleysmill · 04/01/2013 20:50

I talked about my grannies up the thread who are both in homes.

My one granny has end stage severe dementia and is 92. God love her but she is really just a shell of a physical person. She cant communicate other than by screaming and has been bed bound for over 2 years. She does eat and drink when its offered. She needs 24 hour care.

My other granny has early dementia and could mentally still live at home except her eye sight is limited by her disease so.she can't interpret what she is seeing. So she panics because she is essentially blind and becomes disorientated really easily - anything from every hour to every other minute. The turning point for placing her in a home came when she was found wandering round one day with a bottle of bleach (that we still have no idea where it came from as she had a cleaner who brought her own supplies) and nearly put it in a cup of tea because she thought it was milk.

Our problem was that 100 miles away you can't help when things go hideously wrong. And sometimes nothing replaces the fact they need someone 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. But we all have children of our own and financial commitments to meet (and who doesn't these days) and not working was simply not an option. I no longer take ds to see my one granny because he is so frightened by her screaming he curls up in ball and cries.

Dementia robs the person that you love of all the things that make them who they are - their sense of humour, their communication and ultimately their connection to you. When the day comes when they no longer recognise you and you become just another face it is truly heart breaking.

So they are both in places which can meet their needs which would be really difficult to meet at home - one funded, one self funding but ultimately both deserving of care and constant reassurance.

AmberLeaf · 04/01/2013 21:03

I can understand that Lilith.

colleysmill · 04/01/2013 21:15

Could I add that I think caring for a dependent relative can be such a huge commitment to undertake - it can be relentless, under appreciated, emotionally and physically draining and an enormous responsibility. It often involves great sacrifices in terms of time and emotion. Ok we (currently because who knows what will happen!) have carers allowances but to the best of my knowledge it isn't a direct replacement to a living wage.

Ofcourse I'm sure many of us would want the best for our nearest and dearest and sometimes that is recognising it needs more than love and commitment alone and means a level of care better delivered by a home.

So back to how that is paid for - I have no idea how to make it fairer and also cost effective other than what has already been discussed, and for once I have sympathy for the politicians who need to be making decisions about this sooner rather than later.

Lilithmoon · 04/01/2013 21:24

Thanks Girl and Amber.

3littlefrogs · 04/01/2013 22:59

Please do tell me how I can easily "chuck" one of my ill, demented PIL in a home. I have been trying for a year just to negotiate some respite care. It has taken me hours and hours to fill in all the forms just to get the attendance allowance sorted out. I am paying for the carer who is supposed to come and get MIL up and washed and dressed.

I agree with the PP who mentioned the entries in the care log:

"Mrs....did not want to get up today. She says her daughter in law is coming to take her out later". (DIL is at work from 7.00 till 5 pm, then has own DC to sort out, will not actually be free till 9pm).

"Mrs.....did not wish to have a shower today" (despite fact that MIL is doubly incontinent).

Apparantly we have to have the bathroom completely redesigned and fitted. This will make it easier for the carer. Nobody has told me how we achieve this when there are no respite beds available.

"Mrs....refused medication today"....carers are not allowed to actually give medication, only to "prompt" the client to take it themselves.

There is an awful lot of nonsense written and talked about this in the press, presumably by people who have never had to actually deal with any of it.

AmberLeaf · 04/01/2013 23:10

3littlefrogs, have you had contact with anyone in occupational therapy? or adult SS?

AmberLeaf · 04/01/2013 23:11

Sorry that was probably a silly question! Im sure you must have.

Just with my relative that was who sorted the adaptations to the bathroom.

3littlefrogs · 04/01/2013 23:19

Yes, it was the OT who told us what we need to do with the bathroom. Unfortunately the problem is what do we do with the ill, demented, incontinent, partially sighted old people while this work is being done. Answers on a post card............

AmberLeaf · 04/01/2013 23:23

Ah yes, they did them while mine was in hospital.

ssd · 04/01/2013 23:27

op, I agree with you

why should the state pay the whole care home fees so the daughter can inherit the full amount of the mums home

if there is money available to fund fees it should be used

if the money is not available the state should pay

ssd · 04/01/2013 23:30

and nobody should say family should look after elderly relatives, unless you have been in this situation you shouldn't be allowed an opinion at all

InExitCelsisDeo · 04/01/2013 23:32

Maybe if everyone sold their homes and went into social/rented accommodation when older and spent their money instead of saving it, it would help the economy, and the state could then pay for any care they needed.

No?

InExitCelsisDeo · 04/01/2013 23:33

Not allowed an opinion

Gosh......

timidviper · 04/01/2013 23:33

But ssd that takes us back full circle to why some people may have money and others may not (whether that be life circumstances, fecklessness or financial planning) and why should the state pay for some and not others?

ssd · 04/01/2013 23:35

yes

gosh

too many people say "look after your relatives yourself"....but have never ever had to or faced this, its an impossible task sometimes, however much you would like to do it

InExitCelsisDeo · 04/01/2013 23:38

Surely you can't stop people having an opinion though?

Maybe you would prefer them to keep their opinion to themselves, but you can't stop them having one.

ssd · 04/01/2013 23:40

timidviper, because the state is there for a back up, thats all

I own a house but if I have to sell it in the future to pay for care home fees then that's what I'll have to do

my mum didn't own a house and got her fees paid by the state, for years, and thank god she did

the way house prices are going more and more people will never own a house so will need some state back up when they get old and I'll gladly sell my house to pay for my own care so others can get the back up they'll need

if my kids dont inherit anything, they'll need to get on with it, I inherited nothing, its still doable

3littlefrogs · 04/01/2013 23:41

Must go to bed now. Lots of dirty laundry to get through tomorrow. Sad

CloudsAndTrees · 04/01/2013 23:42

This thread prompted me to have a look at the Age UK website to see what they had to say, and I came across the Gifted Housing Service that they offer.

You can gift your house to the charity, then they will pay for its maintenance, council tax and other things, as well ask providing help with care home fees should it become neccesary. It sounds like a very good option for many older people, and I hope something similar is still around when I'm older.

Your children obviously wouldn't inherit your house, but at leat you would have some choice over what happens to it, it would still help to benefit others, and you still get the care you need.

ssd · 04/01/2013 23:43

well they can have all the opinions they like, but its like your childless friend telling you how babies should sleep all night.....when your parent has dementia and your friend with the mum who pops over to babysit tells you you should look after your parents yourself....some opinions are best left unsaid...