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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset or to just accept this

27 replies

Mam23 · 04/01/2013 09:07

I don't feel I should complain about my DH given some of the stories on here but I am upset that he has chosen to go back to work today (with my blessing) when he had booked to be off till Monday - because he has reached his limit with us all being together.

Bit of background: he works FT, me PT. We have 3 kids. He takes equal share of housework, he does DIY, I do most cooking and probably 80% of childcare stuff. In the past term our kids have been home from school sick 4 times and he has left work to care for them when those days fell on days I was at work.

He often finds evenings and weekends stressful if the kids are squabbling. He's been off since Christmas Eve. I've spent 2.5 days of that time at work so he's had the kids by himself those days. This week he has seemed increasingly stressed out by it - doesn't help that the kids seem to be quite grumpy and irritable - and I have told him several times that it's ok if he feels the need to go back into work "for a break".

So, I'm not at all angry with him for doing this but I feel a bit sad that time together as a family stresses him out so much and I don't know if it's unreasonable to think maybe he could try to put a better face on it (i.e. he approaches long weekends, holidays etc EXPECTING to find it difficult which to my mind just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy).

Or am I a spoilt brat and should I just be grateful for how much he does do for and with us despite the fact he finds it hard work?

OP posts:
funkybuddah · 04/01/2013 09:11

I went back to work on the 28th december after 3 days off (work PT) and I couldnt wait to get there, being all together really tested my last nerve....

However he shouldnt expect any extended time to be a ightmare, if you were to say anything it should be about how he could plan some activities for you all, that way its what he enjoys but in a family setting?

Cat98 · 04/01/2013 09:12

Not a spoilt brat - I think I'd feel a little sad too. However I would keep that sadness to myself if I could - at least he has been honest (he could have blamed an urgent 'project' for example!) and I think this is a good sign that he feels comfortable with you.
I'd be trying to discuss strategies though to make home life a bit easier to handle. I dont think it's the end of the world though if your relationship is generally good - Christmas is a very stressful time for lots of families!

diddl · 04/01/2013 09:22

I´d be fucking angry tbh.

Not sure how old your children are, but did he actually try, you know, doing something with them, getting out somewhere with them?

Or did he just sit on his arse feeling pissed off about them arguing & doing nothing about it?

fluffyraggies · 04/01/2013 09:23

OP my DH finds being at home for more than a couple of days a bit ... taxing ... too.

By his own admission he just gets bored. I found it a little hurtful, at first, and took it a bit personally.

Now after 5 years together i just accept that's how he's wired. He works FT in a physical job and after a long run without a break he yearns for time off at home. He looks forward to his weekends with gusto! After more than about 4 or 5 days at home however - he gets the fidgets and wants to go back to work.

MarilynValentine · 04/01/2013 09:28

Agree with diddl - did he sit on his arse feeling annoyed he couldn't just surf the net unbothered, or was he proactive and engaged with the kids?

Your DC will know he's frustrated by their company, it probably makes them more testing.

PoohBearsHole · 04/01/2013 09:31

I wonder if it is all about routine, some people are more wired to routine and with the children being a bit ratty and bored and not at school they will be out of kilter and routine as is he. Much as I loved having dh at home, I was quite glad when he went back to work! He too has been off since the week before Xmas and quite frankly he has gone back and I rather miss him, which is a great sign but if he had been here longer I might have had to dig up the patio!

everlong · 04/01/2013 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mam23 · 04/01/2013 09:47

Thanks for the perspective.

No, he absolutely didn't sit on his arse being grumpy. We went out lots, he threw himself into things with gusto, did things one to one with each of the kids, he even genuinely enjoyed some of it ;) The past two days he has been a bit more irritable with them (and so have I TBH and everyone's been a bit irritable with each other). And actually if I'm honest it's probably what everyone needs for him to "have a break" today and the kids and I to chill. I honestly find it easier to be with them even when they're like this - I am able to tune out a lot of the noise, let them "get on with it" a bit more comfortably, can overlook toys strewn around for a few hours etc and hopefully he'll be a bit more refreshed for this weekend.

On the whole I think our family works really well. We work as a team with the "family stuff" and we have a great relationship with each other. I just wish he genuinely got more out of 'family time' - for his sake as much as anything.

OP posts:
ledkr · 04/01/2013 09:55

When he gets in ask him if he feels better for going to work. If he says yes say oh good and take yourself out for a coffee/wine at a friends or alone and allow him to put them to bed in his newly refreshed demeanour.

LoopsInHoops · 04/01/2013 10:00

Oh god I know how he feels. My work is closed :(

HoratiaWinwood · 04/01/2013 10:27

YANBU to feel a bit put out. YWBU to give him actual grief about it.

Chances are he will be better with the DCs this weekend having had time away.

I practically kicked DH out of the front door after each batch of paternity leave and every Christmas. It's a very intense time and we do best in our routine.

Booblesonthetree · 04/01/2013 10:31

Tbh both me and DH couldn't wait for him to go back to work! Like Horatia we work best in our routines and as I work from home I find it much easier when we're both doing our usual thing.
When he took paternity leave last year he went back after 2 days, with my blessing and a gentle loving shove out of the door. Too much time together is very wearing!

diddl · 04/01/2013 10:34

Knowing that his time would be limited, you´d think he´d be able to put up with it for want of a better phrase.

Two weeks with the children-sad that it´s a hardship!

sandyballs · 04/01/2013 10:41

I think this is quite common and the xmas hols are the worse holiday for it. Weather crap, all cooped up indoors unless you want to spend a fortune on days out to indoor places. Crap food and late nights which make the kids tetchy. Everyone benefits getting back to the school, work routine.

diddl · 04/01/2013 10:47

I don´t get why everyone is so irritable though.

Why can´t they find things to do?

trapclap · 04/01/2013 10:48

I understand how he feels, I was quite glad to go back to work. But I think maybe he should be more sympathetic that you also might feel like that. I would appreciate more of a 'we are all in this together' attitude. He should suck it up IMO,

everlong · 04/01/2013 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 04/01/2013 11:00

Oh I like my own routine as well as I find it harder to get anything done when everyone else is also in the house.

But my husband has always loved his time off with the children.

To be able to spend time with them, play with them-because it was a break for him from work & something enjoyable.

My Dad was always the same.

We´d play outside go for walks, play with new toys, card games, board games.
It was a treat for us to be with Dad-& he felt the same.

StrawberryTot · 04/01/2013 11:21

Op I'd be grateful my dp went back to work, the secret to our almost 11 year relationship is not living in each others pocket Grin thankfully my dp only took 2 days at Xmas and 2 days at the new year and in counting down the days till school starts!!!!!

notnagging · 04/01/2013 11:26

Yabu. I don't think it's a big deal. These holidays are hard work. He has spent quality time with them & is off at the weekend. My ds does not get time off in the holidays, works late hrs & is working again this weekend. I managed to have a 2hr break ystdy morning & it was great! Smile
I am on my own again until 10pm tonight & the same on Saturday. I can't wait for them to go back to school!

Original poster
Mam23 · 04/01/2013 11:54

diddl it's great that your husband and your dad loved their family time. I'd dearly love it if my DH did too but he genuinely doesn't find it that much fun after more than 4 or 5 days. I guess what I was asking is more for those who themselves feel this way or have DHs who feel this way, do they too find it a welcome release to get back to work after 2 weeks of intense family togetherness (including ILs). Perhaps what I'm asking is less about being unreasonable and more about wanting to know it is normal/common/generally accepted as a fact of life for some families

OP posts:
Booblesonthetree · 04/01/2013 11:56

This holiday really is bloody hard work. All the excitement in the run up to Christmas and New year then almost a week of... Nothing much until school starts again.
The weather has been truly shite here, we've all had bugs on and off over the holidays so its been hard to get out to do anything much this week.
The first properly good school holiday is Easter imo. I like that one.

3smellysocks · 04/01/2013 12:06

I would feel sad too but what sort of things are the kids doing to wind him up? Are they badly behaved?

I'm dreading the end of the holidays as we have enjoyed our bubble and am not looking forward to the slog.

bubby64 · 04/01/2013 12:06

My DH (who is a HF AS, I must admit) looked after my 2 yesterday when I went back to work, we had both decided we would take one day off each, I also work PT, so that was all that was needed.
I had a phone call half way though my work day yesterday from DS2 begging me to come home, as DH was getting angry with them and shouting!
Yes- they are beyond irritating ATM, they are 12yr old twins, who are just have a hormone surge, and squabbling a lot, but, again, I tune them out and just deal with the worst of it. I got home to a house atmosphere like ice, and DH saying what a nightmare looking after them was, and what a "waste" of an annual leave day it had been!
I really think next time I will not bother asking him to help out with childcare from now on, we are all honestly better off when he is at work.

Original poster
Mam23 · 04/01/2013 12:57

I don't think the kids are unusually badly behaved. The 3yo is in the terrible 3s phase so when he's happy he's the cutest thing on two legs but he does sometimes get tantrum-y which I can generally either soothe him out of or ignore but DH finds that difficult. The 6 and 7yo DCs are generally nice but can bicker at times and be a bit sulky/stroppy at times and those times have seemed more over the holidays - probably too much excitement, sugar and disturbed sleep (they had 3 lat nights including one very late one). As much as anything DH can't tune out the constant background noise of 3 little kids and the toy explosion in the living room whereas I can tune out the noise fairly well and I can try to ignore the mess until say late afternoon when we'll all get it cleared up again before dinner/evening routines.

It's probably a combination of temperament and exposure. I'm more easy going and have more 'experience' of the kids of you like whereas it gets to him more and he doesn't get exposure to it quite as frequently so I guess, hasn't learned to tune out as much.

OP posts: