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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to get married?

14 replies

Chocsticks007 · 03/01/2013 11:19

DP and I have known each other over 4 years, been together officially for almost 2 years, have lived together since April.

We are both in our 30s.

I want to get married. Not necessarily tomorrrow or next week, but I want to know that it is going to happen and that it will be sooner (as in the next one or two years max) rather than later.

I know some people on here will say what's the point in getting married, but to me it shows commitment to each other, makes a statement to the world, has important legal consequences and to me personally it is essential to be married before I would consider starting a family. Just my personal view and I don't expect everyone else to share that view, but to me marriage is very important and not something I am willing to compromise on. Maybe my strong views are because I come from a family where everyone is married, no one has ever had a child out of wedlock and no one is divorced. Old fashioned I know but that's just the way I am

DP and I have talked and both said that we want to be together forever, and we have bought a house together so he is not afraid of commitment in that sense. I do not doubt his love and commitment one bit. However when I mention actually getting married he just does not see the rush. I think if left to him we will get married, but probably not for another 20 years!

We are by no means rich, but have a good amount of savings and could afford a wedding tomorrow (and I wouldn't want an expensive one anyway) so money is not really a reason to delay things.

I would never put a 'deadline' on him (like one of my friends did - she said propose by my Birthday or it's over which I personally thought was totally crazy) and if / when he proposes I want it to be because he wants to, not because I have twisted his arm into it.

But I do want DP to realise that I will not simply continue to live with him out of wedlock indefinitely, and that if marriage is not on the horizon then I need to know that so I can consider my options.

Has anyone else been in this position?

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocsticks007 · 03/01/2013 11:22

PS please do not suggest I propose to DP - that will never happen bearing in mind how traditional I am!

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 03/01/2013 11:23

Tell him that bit. Just tell him straight that you don't want to be shacked up, you want to be married.

Although I'm curious what your other options are

DontmindifIdo · 03/01/2013 11:23

Have you told him you want to be married before having dc? It's worth saying it, followed by pointing out your age and asking when you are going to factor in dcs.

There are very good practical reasons for this, buying a house is not a commitment to you, it's a sensible financial agreement that's easy to get out of, too many woman misinterpret sensible financial choices as signs of commitment.

ViviPru · 03/01/2013 11:23

I would never put a 'deadline' on him and if / when he proposes I want it to be because he wants to, not because I have twisted his arm into it.

I felt exactly the same.

Give yourself a deadline. That's what I did. I gave myself until my 33rd birthday that if a proposal wasn't forthcoming I was going to tell him precisely what you say here:

I want to know that it is going to happen and that it will be sooner (as in the next one or two years max) rather than later.

As it happened, I never needed to as he proposed on my 33rd birthday...

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 03/01/2013 11:26

Is there a reason why he feels not real need to get married?. Is he perhaps keeping his options open?

dequoisagitil · 03/01/2013 11:29

You need to tell him that getting married is important to you. If he doesn't care one way or another about marriage, then there's no reason for him not to get married.

If you're in your thirties and want dc after marriage, then you can't afford to wait around for years.

teacherandguideleader · 03/01/2013 11:33

My bf is the same. My mum doesn't help as she says he must 'lack commitment'. He does however want children.

I am desperate to be married - I grew up feeling like I wasn't part of the family (I'm the child from dad's first marriage) and don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like that (e.g. being the one who has a different name to my children if we have any).

However, as much as I want to be married, being with my bf is more important than that.

motherinferior · 03/01/2013 11:37

I think that you also need to respect his views. Some of us just don't want to be married. So if it's a dealbreaker, yes, you'll have to leave.

motherinferior · 03/01/2013 11:37

It's not unreasonable to want to get married. It is unreasonable to force someone into marriage.

Paiviaso · 03/01/2013 11:53

You are fully entitled to ask him whether he wants to get married, and if so when. It is your relationship too!

I know it is an awkward conversation to have, because you love this person and you don't want to scare them/pressure them and you don't want to hear the thing you don't want to hear. But you really need to talk about it.

I had the conversation this year - marriage is important to me, and we were in a nice quiet pub having a few drinks, and I asked my DP where he saw himself in 5 years. And his answer did include being married to me. If it hadn't, we would have needed to discuss why and what that meant for our relationship.

Do you want to have children? Reading Mumsnet has made me realise that having children takes a lot of time (conception, pregnancy, gap after birth before next child) and I also want to be married before children. I have explained to DP my loose timeline for when all these things need to start happening.

You want this man to be your partner you go through life with - you need to be sure that he actually wants the same things as you. It is better to find out sooner rather than later if he doesn't.

banktobank · 03/01/2013 12:15

Sorry, I think if you're both in your 30s and have been together a couple of years and he hasn't asked you to marry him by now, he just doesn't want to marry you. Buying a home together is no commitment. I expect that he might marry you if he felt pressured into it (something I've seen with male friends and colleagues), but I don't think that's a great foundation for a relationship, especially if you're planning to have children.

I think if I were over 35, I might just stick with the relationship if I wanted children, as it would take too long to disentangle from the relationship, date and find another partner who was more interested in marriage. At least you would have the children you wanted even if the relationship doesn't work out. But if you're younger it might be best to cut your losses now - women often marry and conceive very quickly if they start a relationship in their 30s.

elinorbellowed · 03/01/2013 12:15

I understand your feelings, however, if you are that old-fashioned about children within marriage and living "out of wedlock" then I don't know why you moved in with him in the first place. The ship has kind of sailed in a way. Weddings aren't generally that important to men, and now that he's living with you, he probably doesn't see the point. I certainly don't.
Hope this doesn't sound too harsh. If you want children within marriage, you HAVE to discuss that with him, because if it's a no from him, than you need to look elsewhere!

ViviPru · 03/01/2013 12:49

Sorry, I think if you're both in your 30s and have been together a couple of years and he hasn't asked you to marry him by now, he just doesn't want to marry you.

Not necessarily. People might have thought that about DP and I prior to March 2012. We'd been together 8 years, living together for 6, both in our 30s. But it wasn't true. He was waiting until he was ready.

cantspel · 03/01/2013 12:55

Tell him how important marriage is to you. If you having been living together for a couple of years and bought a house together already he might just think it is not something that you are fussed about so tell him as he is not a mind reader.

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