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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give my ds11 his mobile back

23 replies

financialwizard · 01/01/2013 20:04

Long story short he was sending shitty messages to people, and also caught using it in a lesson at school. I have taken it off of him and only allow him to have it if he goes into town without me (very rare, and with friends).

His Dad (my exh) thinks I am being unreasonable. I told him I think DS should not get it back until he proves he can use the phone without abusing people.

AIBU?

OP posts:

JumpingJackSprat · 01/01/2013 20:09

yanbu

HoratiaWinwood · 01/01/2013 20:11

Yanbu to restrict his phone use in response to what he did.

But how can he prove responsible use while he doesn't have a phone?

Original poster

financialwizard · 01/01/2013 20:13

You make a good point Horatio but as it happened just before Christmas leave I think I should at least keep hold of it for now and maybe let him have it out of school hours in a month or so.

OP posts:

yousmell · 01/01/2013 20:16

I think I would carry on with limited use for another week and then give him a second chance.

MushroomSoup · 01/01/2013 20:20

Bloody good for you I say!

Original poster

financialwizard · 01/01/2013 20:33

you I think a week is too soon. He has form for this so want to give him a shock.

It is hard to know what to do for the best with him, I just wish he had come with a manual!

OP posts:

meMillyme · 01/01/2013 20:41

Yanbu, good for you!

MammaTJ · 01/01/2013 20:51

If he has done it before, then a longer punishment is good. A month sounds about right to me.

Continue to monitor after that though, with him knowing it could be even longer next time.

mamamibbo · 01/01/2013 22:54

ive taken my 11 year olds for texting everyone in his phone book (family and school friends) when he had been told off and sent to his room telling them everyone hates him, my mum and dad are horrible to me etc etc, i found out when my sister text me

charlearose · 02/01/2013 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComposHat · 02/01/2013 01:06

you I think a week is too soon. He has form for this so want to give him a shock

Sounds wholly reasonable to me. He does not need a phone at school, especially if he acting like an idiot with it by messing around in class and sending shitty messages.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 02/01/2013 02:10

Didnt they used to make a mobile shaped like a teddy bear for kids? That'd larn him!

Damash12 · 02/01/2013 02:14

Good for you - Yanbu how else will he learn.

Moominsarescary · 02/01/2013 02:42

I did the same with ds1 when he was 14, didn't give him phone or Internet access for around 3 months due to him sending shitty fb messages amongst other things

Good on you, not having a phone won't harm him. Maybe he will think twice in future.

HecatePropolos · 02/01/2013 09:03

When you say sending shitty messages to people, do you mean bullying?

I would be replacing that phone with the very basic model, no credit and the number for reverse phone calls etched into it!

You have done the right thing.

He clearly thinks what he's doing is ok, having done it before. He needs to really feel the pain of a massive punishment.

Have you sat down and gone through WHY he's doing this? Tried to dredge up some empathy by getting him to talk about how he would feel to receive such messages?

Mutt · 02/01/2013 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenNinja · 02/01/2013 09:16

Yanbu. The punishment should always fit the crime. Ex's will always disagree so that opinion is irrelevant.

You do need to try to get him to understand why he shouldn't do it though, that's the tough part.

Original poster

financialwizard · 02/01/2013 10:04

Yep, sat down with him and talked about it. He apologised to the people involved, but still needs a punishment IMO.

That bear phone sounds good evil failing that a brick might be the answer.

OP posts:

HollaAtMeSanta · 02/01/2013 10:21

What sort of phone is it? If it's an Android you can put a free app on it that will automatically copy all text messages to your email account...

Enfyshedd · 02/01/2013 10:24

Last year, DSS1 (then 13) had been promised a new mobile, and to be fair his phone was on its last legs. We negotiated down from the £300 phone he originally wanted to a £100 one, and agreed he would have it once my overtime money came in at Easter.

He came home from school after the last day of term and told me his old phone was completely broken. When I pushed for details, he admitted that he'd thrown it against a wall "because it wasn't working properly and I'm getting a new one anyway". Fine, except my money wasn't in for another couple of days and I'd told him that he was only having the the phone he wanted on condition that I was happy he would look after it. Coupled with him deciding to be a complete little shit for just over a week (which came to a head one night when I ended up in his room asking him what on earth was bothering him because his Dad & I couldn't work it out and he couldn't just blame his dad for everything, especially when I was witnessing it myself), I held off ordering the new phone for an extra fortnight and didn't tell him until the day I was due to collect it.

He has looked after the new phone though, and the delay in ordering worked out for me as it had £20 off by the time I placed the order .

Original poster

financialwizard · 02/01/2013 10:30

It is a Blackberry. My husband just said that he hasn't got rid of his last phone from when he upgraded so I think we'll give him that (definitely a brick) when he is off of phone restrictions.

OP posts:

HecatePropolos · 02/01/2013 10:57

Has he said why he did it AGAIN. Cos you say he's done it before, so if he was sorry, and understood that it was wrong - why did he choose to repeat it? Does that not indicate sorry he's been caught and sorry there are consequences for him rather than sorry that he chose to do it, iyswim. Has he said WHY he does it?

Original poster

financialwizard · 02/01/2013 13:17

I agree Hecate I do think he is more sorry that he has been caught out than that he did it.

The first time the other kid was just as much to blame as he was (think derogatory comments about me - not mild ones either). We spoke to the other kids parents at the time and left them to deal with their child. This time I have not seen many of the other messages to him but he says they were picking on him, taking the pee out of his name etc so we have on numerous occasions had the conversations about dealing with this without referring back to vile messages.

He has literally only just started at this school though, so I can't see how it could have escalated so quickly without his involvement being antagonistic, and he does like to wind people up which is something we are trying to work on with him.

OP posts:

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