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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friends are total shits

53 replies

Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 14:01

my mum passed away mid november, although terminally ill it was quite unexpected. since then none of my friends have visited me or asked to meet up ect. i have had three texts one saying friend has been really busy at work, fair enough but plastered all over facebook are night out photos ect. male friend said he would have come round but thinks dp would find it weird him visiting. dp has never before been bothered by him coming round and doesnt do jealous at all. and other friends with dc who we all usually exchange presents over christmas have just totally avoided us too. im aware ive not been the.most fun to be around over christmas but ive been okay. a coffee with a friend and the chance to talk would of been nice. ive even asked to go out ect but just get excuses why its not convenient.

OP posts:
everlong · 01/01/2013 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

simplesusan · 01/01/2013 15:34

This is an awful situation for you op.

I am sure your friends are not deliberately trying to hurt you.

Why my best friend's dad died, I took her out, it was my dd's birthday but I still thought of my friend and picked her up on the way to dropping off dd and her friends.

Could you send a text asking friends to call round for a chat. Sorry as you shouldn't have to do that.

lurkerspeaks · 01/01/2013 15:38

My mother may or may not be dying. I was considering starting a similar thread but it is my family, in particular my Mum's family, being useless. No one seems to think this may be hard for my Dad, siblings and I or is offering us any support.

We are all falling to pieces and really struggling as we are also trying to support a number of elderly relatives (the family in question are not helping at all despite them being shared relations).

I'm sorry you are going through this - do they not know what to do / say. If so do you think if you asked them to come round to talk they would? I don't really have any answers though.

Un-mumsnetty hug coming your way.

Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 15:55

I do think they dont know what to say, but i cant help them there. There is nothing they can say to make it better. Sorry to hear you are feeling the same way lurker its awful, maybe you could sit family down and tell them what needs doing ect it may be bolshy and forward but thats what we did or nothing would get done. I have spoken to friends about coming round and they all just seem too busy or to make a rubbish excuse. Male friend who says he wont come round as dp would find it odd is an awful excuse as he always comes round when we are both in or when i am for a chat and a catch up just think they feel too awkward so are savign themselves being in the situation of not knowing what to say but its leaving me wondering why ive bothered all these years.

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FlimFlamMerrilyOnHigh · 01/01/2013 15:56

I'm sorry you lost your mum, OP. I lost mine two years ago. It hurts like hell. I send you a virtual hug.

Yes that's very shitty of them not to be there for you, and anyone would be upset and angry about that. Sadly, as others have said, it seems that many people are completely clueless when it comes to bereavement. I think our culture is pretty poor at dealing with death and dying. And there are lots of possible reasons why they're not getting in touch with you.
They're worried they'll say the wrong thing and upset you.
They feel guilty wanting to enjoy the festive season when you're grieving.
Talking and thinking about your mum dying forces them to confront the fact that their own parents are going to die one day, and they would rather not face this.
They want to be able to make things better, and knowing that they can't fix your grief makes them feel helpless, and they're not comfortable with this feeling (especially men).

I don't know what you can do, except to get in touch with them yourself now Christmas and New Year is over, and ask them over for a cuppa. I know it's hard to reach out when you're feeling extremely vulnerable, but they might also be waiting for you to let them know that you're ready to see friends.

Please post in the Bereavement topic too any time you feel like talking.

Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 15:57

I have literally lived on the bereavement topic this last few months they are fab :) I hope i feel more like bothering soon but the general lack of caring has made me really cautious to bother trying. which is sad but true.

OP posts:
FlimFlamMerrilyOnHigh · 01/01/2013 15:57

x-post with you OP, I see you've already spoken to them about coming round. If they keep making excuses then I guess they're not the friends you thought they were. That is very very hurtful.

HecatePropolos · 01/01/2013 16:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think the problem is some people make it all about them.

They feel awkward
They don't know how to act
They don't know what's expected
It's just so difficult for them

When in reality if they just pulled their head out of their arse and instead of thinking about them, realised that what matters is they are there for the other person, they'd do a lot better.

Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 16:01

Im starting to think so flim
I hate to sound so needy but there is only so much dp can say and he definatly cant distract me with girly coffee or shopping trips. My sister and bros girlfriend are fab and i spend alot of time with them but it would be nice to have my friends back

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Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 16:02

:) Hectate you always say it like it is, i may print your post and give it to them all

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Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 16:02

Hecate i cannot read today apparently

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JustAHolyFool · 01/01/2013 16:03

Good point Hecate

flow4 · 01/01/2013 16:03

Sorry to hear about your mum's death, Waiting.

It sounds like you need some new friends. You probably won't feel like going out and meeting people right now, but it might be worth the effort. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try, maybe? If you tell new people that your mum has died recently and you're looking to distract yourself, you will soon tell from their reactions whether they are kind, thoughtful people...

My mum died when I was 19, and just 8 days later I started university in a town 200 miles away from my home. It was hard, and I didn't tell most people about my mum, because I recognised even at that early age that most people shy away from anything to do with death. But I did meet some people I felt I could tell, and soon realised that it really mattered to me to have friends who were kind/caring/strong/brave enough to support each other in difficult times, not just 'fair-weather friends'. Since then, I have found myself drawn naturally to those sorts of people, and I now have a circle of good friends. When my dad died last year (nearly 30 years after my mum) I had lots of loving support, and it was a very different experience.

Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 16:07

I am totally daunted by the thought of making new friends. I dont really gel with people my age im mid 20s but act nothing like it. Maybe its a good time to branch out a bit

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Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 16:07

Sorry to hear all of those with similar experiences to us :(

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flow4 · 01/01/2013 16:11

"I do think they dont know what to say, but i cant help them there. There is nothing they can say to make it better."

taypottick · 01/01/2013 16:12

I would agree with everything flow4 has said. It sounds like you are mature beyond your years, time to branch out-friends who are a bit older maybe? Take care

DizzyHoneyBee · 01/01/2013 16:15

It's awful that they are like that, but sadly it is how people are.

Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 16:18

I think you are all right, i dont go in for this new year new me stuff but maybe its time to find some people who share some things in common and a different slant on life.

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maddening · 01/01/2013 16:20

Yanbu - but at the same time the first 2-3 weeks it is normal to leave a bit of time before contacting a bereaved person except v close friends and family- during this time a lot of people do leave the person a bit of space out of respect (rightly or wrongly) and I imagine once december hit everyone gets caught up in Christmas (are most of your friends parents? ). I bet you have more contact now the festive period is over.

Not that I am excusing your friends - are any particularly close friends? I would expect morr support from a close friend.

flow4 · 01/01/2013 16:24

Yes, of course you're daunted by the idea of making new friends. You're human, and you're especially vulnerable at the mo. You'd have to be a robot not to be!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your bereavement will give you a sort of 'special sensitivity' - perhaps it's new empathy. If you can find enough courage to tell people your mum has died, you will know from their reactions whether or not they will make good friends. The ones who shy away will not be supportive in difficult times; the ones who look you in the eye and listen are worth getting to know better. :)

But you don't have to do it now. You can wait until you feel stronger if you want. It's a sort of new 'super power' that will never go away.

Oops, I think I sound a bit new agey and daft - sorry! Blush

crescentmoon · 01/01/2013 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 01/01/2013 16:33

They are all pretty close friends who live in the same area, only 1 of them have children and she has probably been in touch the most. Doesnt sound daft flow sounds like a good way of thinking

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitingforastartofall · 06/01/2013 17:55

after speaking to friends I am actively giving up trying to explain how crap theyve made me feel so will be taking your advice and moving forward, or trying to at least

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diddl · 06/01/2013 18:28

They don´t have to say anything though-just be there.

I lost my Mum many years ago now-but the first time I saw my best friend after, we both just burst into tears & hugged.

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