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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my PIL not to smoke

20 replies

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 31/12/2012 16:18

In their house?

DH and I are due to go over to his parents tomorrow to do Christmas with them, and I'm not really looking forward to it. One of the reasons is that I really can't bear that they chain smoke and going to their house leads to us feeling ill from all the smoke and reeking like ashtrays. I know it's a minor thing, but I do hate the smell. Normally we'd go out but we're going to them tomorrow as that's what they asked.

DH has suggested we ask them not to smoke when we're there, which I see as a solution to the issue but think is very rude as it's their house.

WIBU to ask them to not smoke inside, or at least in the room we're in, for the duration of our visit?

OP posts:

Mrsrudolphduvall · 31/12/2012 16:20

I couldn't go to a house where people smoked.
My mum did , and I hated it.

HumphreyCobbler · 31/12/2012 16:21

I think it would be rude to ask them this, even though I wholly sympathise with your feelings about smoking.

When I smoked I would only have been ok with this had there been children in the house. Otherwise I would have been very annoyed at being asked to stop smoking in my own house.

Schlock · 31/12/2012 16:21

If you have kids with you I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask them to smoke outside for the duration of your visit and I say this as a smoker (albeit one that hasn't smoked indoors at all for 15 yrs.

Scholes34 · 31/12/2012 16:23

If they're decent folks and won't mind, then DH should ask. My BIL and SIL smoke, but not in their own house if we visit. We still come home smelling like ashtrays, and the smell of smoke lingers in the house anyway, albeit masked somewhat with air freshener, but I do appreciate the effort made on their part to make us feel welcome in their home.

LynetteScavo · 31/12/2012 16:23

If you DH has suggested you (he) ask them not to smoke when you're there, then I think that's fine.

It's no ruder than them smoking when you are there.
UANBU

Theicingontop · 31/12/2012 16:26

Are you me? Facing the same dilemma right now. Buffet at their house tomorrow, both chain smokers. I've decided to leave if they spark up. Smoke is my main asthma trigger and I don't want my son inhaling it. Their choice really.

Original poster

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 31/12/2012 16:31

Theicing - have you said that you don't like them smoking? If you did, how did you do it? I'm trying to not be rude/confrontational.

We're the only members of the extended family who don't smoke (FIL is one of 7, all of them, their spouses and children smoke heavily) so it can be really horrid when we're there with them all.

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 31/12/2012 17:06

Tricky. But I do actually think YWBU and very rude to ask them not to smoke in their own house.

thebody · 31/12/2012 17:14

My lovely sil is very very untidy and it drives me demented but to ask her to clean up first before I visit would be extremely odd and rude.

I really do sympathise as hate ciggi smoke smell but if you choose to visit them in their own home then its their rules really.

You would be rude and unreasonable to ask but it is a vile smell.

Mrsrudolphduvall · 31/12/2012 17:20

Going to an untidy house is not like a smokers house where you stink afterwards.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots · 31/12/2012 17:21

I do actually think its quite rude to ask, but if they are good natured then ask your DH to ask, but if it is two against, assuming one of 7, with partners and assuming 2 ish kids a piece, 28 smokers, then its a bit much to ask everyone to decamp outside for the minority.

Most people just don't think about the fact that other people may find it unpleasant, and they'd likely not mind really. You could ask them to give you a heads up when they are about to light up so you can nip into another room or something, gentle hints! Or sit by an open window?

pepperrabbitanddesultorytinsel · 31/12/2012 17:23

I don't think you can ask them not to smoke in their own home tbh.
You might be able to encourage some window opening, or a walk in the fresh air (tomorrow is supposed to be nice I believe).
My dad used to chain smoke indoors till my mum developed asthma and it was revolting, but we just used to wear oldish clothes to visit, shower when we got back and change all the sheets the next morning! Sounds extreme, but the stale smell clinging to your hair and clothes is foul.
Leave your coats in the car if possible so as little is contaminated as poss!
One day of passive smoking should not cause long term harm, just be unpleasant.

Narked · 31/12/2012 17:28

It's vile. I wouldn't go full stop - even if they didn't smoke when you were in the room it would still stink, and your clothes would stink, and the car would get that stink from your clothes etc etc. I don't do visits to smokers.

Inertia · 31/12/2012 17:31

You could try going outside or out to the car whenever they smoke - trouble is it then smells even more foul when you come back in after breathing fresh air.

It's hard because there are so many smokers - they won't all be considerate if the non - smokers and go out to smoke.

If it were me I would stay for as little time as I could get away with, and then leave saying that the smoke was making me ill and bid everyone a cheery goodbye.

thebody · 31/12/2012 17:33

Mrsrudolf agree but you can't acceot an offer to visit and then rudely impose conditions.

HairTodayShornTomorrow · 31/12/2012 17:39

I know it's horrible to sit in a fug where everyone else is smoking. But - sorry - I don't think you can ask them not to smoke in their own house, unless you have children with you (in which case, I think your DH should have made it clear before accepting their invitation that neither of you are happy about people smoking around the children).

Narked · 31/12/2012 17:42

Do that many people smoke anymore? I only know a couple of people who still smoke and they only do it outside.

SelfRighteousChristmasPants · 31/12/2012 18:32

Could you do a compromise? I've just come back from my parents and my Mum smokes in her bedroom. The smell is still awful TBH but bearable!

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 31/12/2012 21:02

I smoke and couldn't go to a house where people smoked inside. Gives me a sore throat, scratchy eyes and the smell on your hair and clothes is disgusting. YANBU and that's coming from a smoker. I've never smoked in my house even before DD.

FestiveElement · 31/12/2012 21:06

If there's going to be a lot of people there smoking and you're the only two who aren't, then I don't think you can ask.

If it just the two of them and the two of you, it's not so bad. DH could ask as long as you are gracious if they say no.

All that said, I smoke and I don't like smoking indoors anymore. Being in a room with a lot of people smoking would make me feel horrible too.

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