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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive a friend around for funeral with my kids in tow?

69 replies

harryhausen · 31/12/2012 11:24

I really can't tell if I'm being an awful friend or not. Please give me some perspective.

My best friend is off to a funeral next week. He doesn't drive. He wants to support his close friend who was very close to the deceased, but she is travelling in the official funeral car. So he needs transport.

He asked nicely yesterday if I would drive him to the church, and the cremetorium and then drive him home. I will have my two dcs with me 7 and 5 yrs. I said no problem to driving him to the church as I know where it is, and I have a friend nearby I could call in on to visit for an hour. Its about 30mins away. However, I've looked at the details he's given me and the crematorium is on other side of the city in an area I don't know. It would take about an hour. I have no sat nav, am not good at looking at maps and driving to find places I don't know.

To top it off, the kids would miss their swimming lessons.

Now my friend is a good friend. He very supportive of me, and I of him. We go back a long way. He's done some lovely things for me in the past.

So am I being unreasonable for saying I will drive him to the church in the afternoon, but really don't want to wait for him, drive him all the way back across the city, wait for him again at the crematorium (with two dc's)....then drive him home?

OP posts:
WorraLorraTurkey · 31/12/2012 11:49

I'm surprised the friend he's supporting hasnt' taken it upon herself to organise a lift for him...at least from the church to the crematorium?

DorisIsWaiting · 31/12/2012 11:49

Ultimately he doesn't want you to be there, he wants you as a taxi.

So by all means drop him of at the church but then take the dc's swimming he can get a taxi / lift to the crematorium. His friend won't have a funeral car home after the crematorium so he could make provision to get both of them home.

Honestly lose the guilt you don't have to give YOUR day up so HE can support someone else.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 31/12/2012 11:50

I would do it. He is a good friend, and im sure he would do the same for you if you needed it.

justmyview · 31/12/2012 11:51

Since he's your best friend and you say he has done lots to help you in the past, I think you should try to help him. A funeral trumps swimming lessons. That said, I think he should try to arrange a lift so he doesn't impose on you too much

SantasENormaSnob · 31/12/2012 12:00

Did he even know the deceased well?

Does his friend even want him there?

atthewelles · 31/12/2012 12:01

If he's a very good and considerate friend and has actually asked you for a lift in order to do something nice for someone else I would oblige. I would probably ask him, though, if he could get clear directions from someone else at the funeral as to how to get to the crematorium as I think he should take responsibility for that part of things.

SantasENormaSnob · 31/12/2012 12:05

Tbh I think this thread goes hand in hand with the none driving nuisance one.

Why can't he organise a taxi?

He is not bereft with grief.

He is going to supposedly support someone else.

digerd · 31/12/2012 12:12

If I were your friend, I wouldn't dream of imposing on you like that, real friend's don't do that.

whois · 31/12/2012 12:13

If you can get him there at the start then he will easily be able to jump in someone's car to get to the later bits of the funeral as loads of people will have space in their cars.

Original poster
harryhausen · 31/12/2012 12:20

He will be upset himself as he knew the deceased, but was not as close as the friend he's supporting. He says he will feel strange getting in a car with people he doesn't know. Which he probably would.

I'm not going to the funeral. He wants me to drive him and wait at two different places, then drive him back. The crem is quite rural and they'll be nothing for the kids to do except sit in the car maybe? I'm conflicted, as I would so do it if I didn't have the kids with me. I may just drive him to the church, then take the kids to my friends. I really don't want to drive him, the kids & myself across the city in rush hour, in the dark (probably rain) to a area I've never been and have no bearings....after waiting for an hour already.

I don't mind the kids missing swimming lessons. It's just it's been raining here solidly for about 2 weeks and we've not been out for any walks etc. I'd like them to at least get some 'stuff' in before school starts again!

OP posts:
yggdrasil · 31/12/2012 12:21

Well. I do not think you are being unreasonable not to want to do it. I think it sounds like a really dull day for you.

However I think you'd be being unreasonable not to actually do it. Especially when you have said yes.

I agree that a funeral does trump swimming lessons and a 5 and 7 year old will be totally fine with a day spent in the car doing something really nice for someone else. If you can't get anyone else to take them, might there be any point trying to sweet talk the leisure centre into letting them have a slot in another lesson, just for this week? At 5 and 7 though missing a swimming lesson isn't a massive deal.

Also, I so agree that leaving a crematorium is shit at the best of times, to do so alone must be awful.

Nancy66 · 31/12/2012 12:23

he's asking him too much.

Drive him to the church and go and see your friend but, after that, leave him to make his own plans.

Everyone gives lifts to others at funerals. It's part of the etiquette.

yggdrasil · 31/12/2012 12:23

sorry op I cross posted with you

Is there no chance he could get a lift from someone else for part of the day?

Original poster
harryhausen · 31/12/2012 12:24

Santas, he doesn't often ask for lifts - but yes, this is one of those times where I really wish he drove.

OP posts:
Cutiecat · 31/12/2012 12:25

It sounds like you don't want to do it at all. It does sound like it is turning into a nightmare. I think I would just tell him that on reflection you are not going to be able to do it. He might have done things for you in the past and be a good friend but you have two children in the equation. He should understand that.

mrsjay · 31/12/2012 12:27

I think cutie cat is right if you really cant or dont want to do it then dont or say i can drop you at the church

Cutiecat · 31/12/2012 12:27

Also I don't find it hard to leave crematoriums or funerals on my own. I like some quiet time to myself. Everyone is different.

Original poster
harryhausen · 31/12/2012 12:30

Ygg, I said I would before he sent me the details of where the Crem was. I hadn't expected it to be so far away from the church, somewhere I'm clueless about.

I shouldn't have said yes, but it's something I would do normally if I can, so said I'd help.

OP posts:
SugarplumMary · 31/12/2012 12:32

I'm not going to the funeral. He wants me to drive him and wait at two different places, then drive him back.

That is a completely unreasonable thing to ask someone to do - let alone someone with DC in tow. I speak as a non-driver here.

Say it too much but offer to drop him at the church if you're happy to do that - that would be a nice thing to do.

Original poster
harryhausen · 31/12/2012 12:33

I'm going to take him to the church. I think he'll just have to see how things lie after that.

As its a funeral he can't give me timings etc. I just can't wait around indefinitely, twice, with two active kids in the car.

If others would, then you're a better person than me.

Thanks for making me see I'm not being desperately unreasonable.

OP posts:
SugarplumMary · 31/12/2012 12:34

Just tell him that after looking at the distance and remembering the DC swimming lessons - you can't help him as much as your first thought.

SugarplumMary · 31/12/2012 12:36

x-posts.

I'm sure he'll be grateful for the lift to the church - removes one journey and ensure he'll get there on time when he needs to.

Cutiecat · 31/12/2012 12:37

I think that is a nice thing to do. Sometimes I quickly offer to help but later realise it is going to be too much. I then beat myself up about it. I think I just have to be more measured in offering to help when I have 3 small dcs. I am glad we have helped.

CarlingBlackLabel · 31/12/2012 12:38

I would drive him to the church. People are always very kind and help-others orientated at funerals and transport between the church, crem and wake - an won't he see other people there he knows?

I would also not especially wnat to subject the kids to several hours of this, or miss swimming lessons.

I think you are being a bit U with all this terror of going somewhere new - and (tangent to thread) am laughing at the people complaining about non drivers being a pain when there are so many drivers who say 'I can't drive to somewhere new / in the dark / in an unknown city / on the motorway' etc etc. It's feeble female wussiness! Anyway, he would be there to help navigate!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 31/12/2012 12:39

You are not being unreasonable.

He should ask his friend to see if there is a place in another car.

Otherwise you're going to be a taxi driver for the day with two young kids who are literally going to spend hours just sitting strapped in a car! Mine would be so bored and so would start whingeing, crying and arguing and i wouldn't blame them. Activities will only keep them amused for so long.

Perhaps you should tell him that its just not practical to do that with children with you. You would also need to factor in wee stops which aren't always to be predicted, probably have to take some food with you etc. Do either of them get car sick? Mine do.

I think if it was just you then fine, you could sit in the car and read or something but with two children its just a impractical solution. And a bit ridiculous to ask someone and their kids to drive him around all day! Especially when a simpler solution of hoping in car with others already going would work so much better.

So you would be going to support him so he could go and support his friend? Perhaps you should take someone in the car to support you. Perhaps a map reader who could double as childrens entertainer?!