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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she's taking the piss?

24 replies

TheHystericalMonkey · 30/12/2012 23:45

My sister has a young baby and has recently returned to work full time. She has arranged to have a childminder 3 days per week and for the other 2 days she has asked our elderly mother (mid 70s) to make a 4 hour round trip on a train alone and stay overnight to look after the baby while she's at work.

I have a number of issues with this. I think it is too much to expect of someone our mother's age and I don't like the thought of her travelling to and from London on her own. I am also concerned that our father is too vulnerable to be left on his own. He has a number of health problems which he has to be reminded to take medication for and has dementia. He struggles to get in and out of the bed on his own and I worry about the possibility of him having a fall and nobody being there to help him.

Would I be unreasonable to raise my concerns or do I stay out of it? It annoys me that all of this is for financial reasons (so sis doesn't have to pay for a childminder 5 days a week) and is to the detriment of both our parents.

OP posts:

peaceandlovebunny · 30/12/2012 23:48

our elderly mother (mid 70s) to make a 4 hour round trip on a train alone and stay overnight to look after the baby while she's at work... our father is too vulnerable to be left on his own. He has a number of health problems which he has to be reminded to take medication for and has dementia. He struggles to get in and out of the bed on his own

raise your concerns! forcibly. tell your sister you'll get onto social services if your mum leaves your dad unattended.

shesariver · 30/12/2012 23:50

has your Mum said yes though?

Otherworld · 30/12/2012 23:51

I think you know she's taking the piss. But at the same time it's your mums decision to agree to looking after the baby. You wouldnt be unreasonable to have a quiet chat with them both - but don't be surprised if they tell you to butt out.

I would imagine if the journey is that long and your Dad is frail this will be a short term arrangement as one or other will come to their senses.

Good luck!!

ripsishere · 30/12/2012 23:51

That is outrageous. If her DC can go to the CM three times a week, it can go five times.
IMO, she really is piss taking. Your poor old Mum.

Original poster

TheHystericalMonkey · 30/12/2012 23:54

Yes Mum has agreed to it but I think mainly because she would feel really guilty if she said no. She is too soft for her own good.

Otherworld Sis is talking about doing this for 18 months or so until she can afford to buy a house closer to us.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHystericalMonkey · 30/12/2012 23:57

I don't mind dropping in on my dad every day but I can't be there 24/7 and worry about him being there alone. He needs a knee replacement and struggles to get around the house even with a walking stick.

OP posts:

IDontDoIroning · 30/12/2012 23:58

Asking a mid 70 yo to presumably get a 6 am train, do a 2 hr trip, look after a baby all day, sleep in an unfamiliar bed, look after a baby all day, then take a 6pm train and do a 2hr trip getting home after 8 pm is in my opinion not necessarily unreasonable if DM wanted to do it and is physically fit enough to cope.

However to leave a frail elderly man with health problems and dementia for 2 days for what ever reason is definately unreasonable.

Can you talk to your DM to ask how she feels about it.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 31/12/2012 00:00

wow! YANBU at all!

CoolaYuleA · 31/12/2012 00:01

Aside from the fact your Dad has dementia, which is reason enough to say NO to your sister, there is also the fact that we current Mums find looking after our DC all day knackering, let alone older women.

My Mum is younger than yours and she often has DD for a few hours whilst I do things like shopping or go out with DH etc.

She loves this time with DD but there is no WAY she could cope with having her two full days a week as it would knacker her out.

Your sister is BU, and I think you need to say something.

peaceandlovebunny · 31/12/2012 00:03

stop being reasonable and tell your mum and sister not to be ridiculous.

IDontDoIroning · 31/12/2012 00:05

I think dsis is deluded if she thins this is any sort of a long term solution to her child care.

What happens if DM is ill and can't make the train ?
What if DF is ill, has a fall or has surgery on his knee and is in hospital
Looking after a baby might be doable if DM can have a rest in the day but it won't stay a baby and looking after a toddler /nearly 2 yo is a different proposition as they are more active and demanding. Bearing in mind DM will be that much older too.

Otherworld · 31/12/2012 00:06

What I meant was within a couple of weeks if this wasn't going to work out it would become apparent so either your mum or your sister would decide a change of plan.

Struggling to see also how a two hour train journey is cheaper than a child minder for the two days? I don't know where she's travelling from but peak to London from here is £70 return ( I am nearly two hours from London)

WildWorld2004 · 31/12/2012 00:06

Maybe it is 2 days between your sister being able to work or having to be on benefits. Have u spoken to your sister about this?

If it wasnt for my mum looking after my dd i wouldnt b able to work & my dd is school age.

I do agree that leaving an ill elderly man by himself is not on.

Original poster

TheHystericalMonkey · 31/12/2012 00:09

I can't work out how it is that much cheaper either. The cost of train fares are astronomical.

OP posts:

trapclap · 31/12/2012 00:09

more reasonable, would be for dsis to bring baby to their house and collect after she finishes work?

my mum and dad hav my 2 yo over night evry week...they are mid-60s. they really find it tiring. ive had lots of talks with them about stopping the arrangement but they love spending the time with LO and dont want to stop. dont under-estimate how much your mum might want to have the baby?

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 31/12/2012 00:11

Yabu just to kick the trend!

Is your mother your fathers primary carer? If so she may see this as a bit of respite from your father, a welcome break

If your fathers sole need is medication prompting then there are several telecare solutions you can self purchase or have supplied by social services, if he has other needs again social services can help.

However. Mid 70s isn't old if she's young spirited. Ask her how she feels. Ask her if she needs a break from your father. Ask her if she feels fit to care for a baby. Her answers may surprise you.

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 31/12/2012 00:12

With the falls. Has he fallen? What's the fear? Does he need equipment putting on the bed to help with his mobility? Contact social services. Your mum and dad are allowed to be independent of each other.

Sorry if that sounds harsh

AmberLeaf · 31/12/2012 00:14

Maybe your mum is looking forward to a break from looking after her husband with dementia, even if it means caring for a baby.

Do you help with your Dads care?

agnesf · 31/12/2012 00:16

How much is 2 days of childminding?

What are your mum's views - if she is doing it against her best wishes to help her out maybe she could just give her some money equivalent say to the trainfare.

Maybe on the other hand your mum needs a break from caring for her husband and so this is a way out?

On the face of it it does sound unreasonable but its hard to judge without hearing all sides of the story.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2012 00:19

If she's able to take care of your father who has dementia and needs physical assistance then she's probably not too frail to travel to London by train and take care of the baby, but at the same time she really can't be in two places at once. Maybe she has arranged care for your father while she's away? Maybe as Utterly suggests, she sees baby care and the trip away as a respite -- taking care of a partner is possibly much more draining for her than the prospect of a baby to hold and care for.

Maybe you should be feeling more concern for your mother in her role as carer for your father and not worry too much about her caring for the baby? It can be very demanding both physically and emotionally to take care of a grown elderly dementia patient.

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 31/12/2012 00:21

Can I ask op how much input do you have in your fathers care?

YellowTulips · 31/12/2012 00:25

I think it's up to your mother quite frankly. I think you can raise your concerns with both your mum and sister (you are allowed to have an opinion) but suggest if you are over ruled you back off.

I don't think it sounds like a great idea tbh, but that's not really the point. Maybe ask your sister what her back up plans are? What happens if your mum is not well or there is an issue with your father so she can't come?

It's why in the end I went for nursery care despite my parents offering a day a week when they retired. I didn't want to worry about cover if they went on holiday (and i wanted them to go on holiday when they chose and enjoy their retirement) or were ill. I wanted them to see the kids when they wanted to and not out of obligation and I was lucky enough to be able to afford a choice in the matter.

ZebraInHiding · 31/12/2012 00:35

Yanbu. I think you need to have a chat with your sister.

I hope your sister offered the train fares at least?

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2012 00:39

I think it's insane, frankly.
If this cockamamie setup continues, the baby is going to be an 18 month old toddler with your elderly mother caring for it.
I would be knackered with your mother's situation without the baby-minding and I'm considerably younger. I think it's asking way too much and I bet your mother's only doing it out of a weird sense of obligation to your sister.
And I think your sister is very wrong to have even asked.

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