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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trying not to hate parents

69 replies

Babybirdz · 30/12/2012 23:22

Well , my mother has just been over and as usual been complaining that I don't go and visit her or my dad who live 10 minutes away. I don't go for several reasons

my sister in law who lives them will not speak to me properly, make eye contact and there Is an awful atmosphere whenever I go.( my DB told me that when he got married that she disliked me. ( she doesn't even know me )My parents were aware of this years ago but ensured the subject was never raised with her so as not to create tension!!
my mother is a very highly critical person. Nothing I ever did when I was younger was ever good enough, not the housework, not the ironing,the cooking etc
I have suffered from depression and an eating disorder during my teenage years and my mum knew but never did anything to help me. I know this because I was drying the dishes once and she said she new I always went upstairs after a meal to vommit.

*my parents were both physically violent towards me when I was younger and I can't bear for my Dd to go and see them, they criticise her, for running in the house when she is an active girl, when she makes a mess( plays toys on the sitting room floor)

I am 30 in stable happy marriage. I am of Asian origin hence my family telling me to be less selfish and visit them every day. Family unit is extremely important to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babybirdz · 02/01/2013 22:44

My previous post looks contradictory saying I always obeyed them when I didn't obey them when it really mattered!

OP posts:

MuddlingMackem · 02/01/2013 23:24

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 22:44:50

My previous post looks contradictory saying I always obeyed them when I didn't obey them when it really mattered!

Original poster

Babybirdz · 05/01/2013 19:00

Just purchased a new home phone that displays caller id!

OP posts:

50shadesofpink · 05/01/2013 19:09

Excellent! You may have to subscribe to the service though with your phone provider. I tell you it's the best subscription I've signed up for! I now have a choice and I choose not to answer calls from my in laws. They leave a message and DH can choose to respond, or not.

nailak · 05/01/2013 19:32

sis the way around this is to enlist your husbands help and make it look like he is asserting his authority over you lol,

when your parents call say you have to do something for DH,

if you can tell your parents that DH thinks it is not right that you see them so often and dont see your mil as often, and it is disrespectful and people will think there are issues which is why you dont visit mil, so you can only visit your own mother once a week on sunday afternoons. and he requires you to be back before it is dark as he doesnt want you walking in the dark

and he is telling you to focus on your own house and family, that you spend too much time there etc.

The most important thing is your DH is on your side and will support you in your choices.

Personally I do think you should try and maintain some contact, but you need to do it on your terms.

As for your sister in law, the best way to deal with people like that is to be sickly sweet to them. Always compliment them, take food/clothes.gifts for them (even if regifted tat) etc and give it to her in front of everyone! lol

peaceandlovebunny · 05/01/2013 20:12

nailak = skill.

Original poster

Babybirdz · 05/01/2013 21:03

50 shades- I've just realised. Will get on my provider first thing.

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 05/01/2013 21:27

wanted to say one thing- don't think of yourself as a weak person. you describe yourself an anxious. this is how you are because of your parents and upbringing, not a flaw in you that makes you react in a certain way to treatment other people could cope with. bullies and abusers often tell their victims that it's the victim's response that is wrong (they are hypersensitive) not the abusers behaviour.

no one could go through what you have and come through completely unscathed. anxiety is a common problem in those from abusive backgrounds. one of the ways to feel back in control is to get therapy and get back in control of the anxious thoughts and behaviours.

you are not weak to have survived through what you have and not crumpled. you are still standing - this is an achievement and not the sign of someone weak or someone who is overly sensitive compared to ' normal' people.

Original poster

Babybirdz · 05/01/2013 21:42

Nailak- I do completely understand where you're coming from. DM has asked previously if its DH stopping me from going over. Ive always laughed and answered to her saying he is not like that, and she knows that full well. In turn they have pressurised DH in telling me to visit them DAILY!! Yes, DAILY!! Not a chance in hell, unless they want me to have a breakdown.

The responces on this post been a real wake up call for me. I've been thinking for years , I'm wallowing in my own self pity. nothing could be further from the truth.

Nailak- there's more problems in the family than i have even mentioned here. When DB got engaged 5years ago SIL wouldn't speak or make eye contact with me. I thought it must be in my head so made an extra effort with her. Well DB admitted to me that SIL had said to him that she would never accept or like me. After that she plotted and planned incidents in the family which made my DB detest me, then myDf then my DM. Well after years my DM and Df are on the receiving end and completely realise the games she has been playing. DM has often been to my house and explained how SIL has turned DB against them all. But you know what, they refuse to say anything to her.( I refuse to bad mouth her to my DM , I tell DM to confront her)

After all the years of crap I've faced, having my family treat me like shit, partly because of the way they are, partly because SIL was instigating it, they know what the reality is. They have said her parents back in, dare I say it Pakistan are behind her acting this way. The pakmarriage.com article helped me see it too. It's scary how much I could relate to it, I could have written it myself.

What I clearly see now is my parents who are both cowards, who refuse to question her spiteful way.

I don't expect ppl who are not familiar with the culture to fully understand how cunning a person can be and their motives behind it

OP posts:

nailak · 05/01/2013 22:05

this thing about community, it is just peer pressure, parents give in to the pressure of their peers while at the same time expecting their kids to not give in to it.

the sis in law thing is a game, in all seriousness i would say just give nice gifts to the kids, and carry on being the person you are.

cant dh have some sort of change of personality where he has realised he has to be an amir(head of household) and cant let his wife and kids run riot or something? lol then he can "stop" you from going?

Original poster

Babybirdz · 05/01/2013 22:12

DH couldn't do that. He's very kind hearted. He would never assert that authority over me even if it was only for show.

OP posts:

CaptainVonTrapp · 05/01/2013 22:22

Are you with BT. Go online to your account. Enable the 'privacy package'. It's free but includes caller id. If you ask for caller id you'll have to pay.

My friend's PIL behave in a despicable way when they visit his home. He tries to ignore it because you have to be respectful to your elders. And yet their behaviour is beyond rude and is completely based on the idea that they can actually get away with anything becase they are older, wtaf..??

Original poster

Babybirdz · 05/01/2013 23:10

Captain- I'm with talk talk. I know, we are always taught to respect our elders as well as elders are always right but that's sadly not the case.

OP posts:

CaptainVonTrapp · 06/01/2013 18:30

Same with talk talk. Good luck birdz. Sounds tricky but theres some good ideas here. My Dad used to ring his Mum regularly 10 minutes before her favourite tv programme

Original poster

Babybirdz · 07/01/2013 19:59

Well, so far there's been two missed called from DM that I haven't picked up. Could be more as I've been out with DH!

OP posts:

Original poster

Babybirdz · 07/01/2013 20:00

*missed calls

OP posts:

50shadesofpink · 07/01/2013 20:22

Don't be tempted to call back!
When you speak to her all you need to say is 'I was busy' - keep details vague. Have you got an answering machine?

Original poster

Babybirdz · 07/01/2013 21:09

She called again stating she phoned me x amount of times today. I kept it vague but did pick up. It looks really obvious now and to be honest I feel crap talking to her being distant with her which I have been for past few days when I've seen her. I am a practising Muslim and kindness to parents is very important. I find myself trying to balance the 2, which is why I end up feeling guilty when she sounds all down. At the end of the day she did give birth to me and raise me and I need to show respect to her, but in turn I need to toughen up and just make do with her criticisms. That's my honest thought.

OP posts:

50shadesofpink · 08/01/2013 19:17

I understand what you are saying and although I'm not Muslim it is expected that I be kind to my parents, respect them etc - it's a given. In the same way it is expected that I be kind to and respect my children.

Just because you give birth to someone it does not mean that you treat them in a negative, controlling way. Could you make your child feel the way your mother has made you feel?

Work on your self esteem and confidence and in turn you will feel stronger not to allow your mother to make you feel the way you have described.

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