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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask at what age do you have "The Sex Talk" with your dc?

51 replies

Itsnotahoover · 30/12/2012 08:38

I have an almost 7 year old ds and I'm always honest with answers to any questions, however, he hasn't asked many as yet. He's asked how babies get out of their mummy's tummys but not how they get in there in the first place!

Now I know they are covering anatomy and relationships at school, but I'd rather him hear the facts from me before he gets to that stage of lessons at school/hears idle gossip in the playground, but is there an age where it's best to sit them down for a chat? Or are there any good books I can just casually drop into his book box?

And yes, this is inspired by another thread, but it's something I've been wondering about for a while :)

OP posts:

thebody · 30/12/2012 10:20

Hurrican, just leave it as she isn't ready yet.

We chatted to ours as and when they asked, no big conversation just bite sized bits and our oldest 2 lads now grown up.

We explained the mechanics but majored on the respect/ contraception/ health lines.

With dds now 13 and 12 I had to be much more pro active as periods started at 11. They know all the mechanics and again we majored on respect/ love/ contraception.

Still we insist on no boys upstairs and ensure that older dd and her 'boyfriend' keep the door ajar when they are in the back room watching CDs. Also keep track of periods and remind all the time re dangers of going too far and consequences.

Both girls know that we would be happy to discuss and help advise on contraception when they are 15 to 16 as its no good burying head in the sand.

bringmeroses · 30/12/2012 10:22

Glad to hear all the sensible answers. I've been led by DCs, the eldest wanted every detail up to the sperm fertilizing the egg ("can you say zygote?"!) and from there she led it into me needing to tell her about birth control in an age appropriate way. Otherwise, she worked out, it would mean we'd be permanently pregnant. We've talked about menstruation in same matter of fact way. DC2 could not be less interested but i think has picked it up from big sis. Again, no embarrassment, if ever it seems embarrassing I just say Look, all animals do it, it's how we survive as a species and completely natural. And make sure you are in a loving relationship of course.
Hurricane if your DC doesn't want to know yet, I wouldn't broach it again till she does, I guess some kids could find the whole idea of sex/giving birth a bit scary.

BookieMonster · 30/12/2012 10:25

Before some wiseass in the playground tells them a load of rubbish!

Dd1 asked how a baby was made when she was 5 and I was pg with DS. I was able to tell her simply and factually without needing to go into the recreational aspects of sex because that wasn't the info she wanted or needed at that age. As she got towards puberty (prob about 9) I got a book for her to read in her own time and told her she could come and talk to me about anything.
DS aged 6 was intrigued as to how his best friend's mum managed to get the baby in her tummy and then out again. I told him. It's as big a deal as you want to make it.

hurricanewyn · 30/12/2012 10:25

Thanks all - guess I'll just leave it for now. DS was the opposite - asking loads & loads of questions & needs to be reminded to put clothes on at times, so DD being so embarrassed just threw me.

SoupDragon · 30/12/2012 10:27

mrsjay, your DD sounds very wise :)

Meglet · 30/12/2012 10:31

When DS started reception, so just before he turned 5. I bought 'where willy went', it's quite funny.

I will tell DD when she starts reception next Sept. I couldn't bare for them to hear silly rumours at school and anyway, how babies are made and how they come out is just biology, same as telling them how we breathe. The emotional stuff can be dealt with as they get older.

Fakebook · 30/12/2012 10:35

I'm going to watch this thread because I'm a bit unsure when to tell dd (5).

She knows babies grow inside the "mummy's" belly, as she was 4 when I was pregnant with DS and came to 5 early scans and the 20 week scan. She asked me 3 weeks ago how they come out and I told her from the front part of my bottom which left her giggling in fits and then she ran away. I didn't feel comfortable telling her it was the vagina. I still see her as a little baby, but maybe I need to shake that feeling off?

She's never asked about how babies get inside, so I'm going to wait until she asks me herself. Don't really know how to explain it to her though.

My mum never discussed sex or periods with me. It was a taboo subject and I had to buy my own pads at the age of 12 or ask teachers for them at school. When I found out about periods and sex at school I went into mini shock, and I distinctly remember one of my friends saying "fakebook, you look like you've seen a ghost, you're as white as a sheet". Don't really want that to happen to dd.

ahusband · 30/12/2012 10:53

I'm 27 and still waiting.

skullcandy · 30/12/2012 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondStuffedWithXmassyGoodies · 30/12/2012 10:59

I found this link on another thread recently, and sat and read it to my 2 year old?

breatheslowly · 30/12/2012 11:04

We had this book as children and it is about all bodily functions, not just focused on sex, so it can be an incidental part of reading the book, rather than a big thing.

MammaTJ · 30/12/2012 11:14

My DD now age 17, I didn't sit down and do the talk as such. She got upset that she wasn't in our wedding photo and insisted she must have at least been in my tummy. She wasn't but I told her the eggs to make her were. Then her big sis left evidence of her period on the toilet and she came downstairs screaming that someone must be bleeding to death. I told her that all girls have eggs in their tummies ready to make babies when they are older. When girls grow up and are nearly old enough to make babies, if they are not making babies, then an egg comes out every few weeks and what looks like blood comes with it.

Any other questions I answered as they arose, rather than sitting her down. Once she had asked me a lot of questions, I got a copy of Mummy Laid an Egg by Babbette Cole. We had a good giggle over the positions in that one.

Now she is 17 and has put some of the theory in to practise, she is a little too very open with me.

digerd · 30/12/2012 11:21

My parents didn't say anything either, but mum got her auntie to explain periods to me. I learnt at 10 from a school friend how babies were made.

About time the school sex ed includes the female Clitoris.

TinkerMcJingles · 30/12/2012 11:36

I've been thinking recently about how, as a single parent to broach the subject of Wet dreams with my almost 10 year old son and coming from an almost exclusively female family have no real ideas about it. However, I did find this top tip

Another quick tip: When boys first start masturbating they are zealot about it, they will often cause chaffing or other irritation from simply over zealous and very frequent masturbation... If they've got 5 minutes and some
privacy chances are they will have a personal "quickie"...

Some personal lube solved this problem... When my son was 12, I had my brother in-law (6 years older than my son so not as traumatic as mom)
give him the lube and tell him to use it.. We also worked out an "I need more lube" system so my son never had to verbally tell me.. When he needed more he would stick a blank post-it note on my checkbook so the next time I went out I knew to buy more...

Would you really ever do this? I couldn't imagine buying lube for my son. Or am I just being a prude and is it something that people actually commonly do?

SoupDragon · 30/12/2012 11:54

If there was ever a chafing problem I think I'd suggest he do it less!!

Thankfully, DSs father is still involved. He had the Inappropriate Googling/porn chat with DS1 recently after I checked his internet search history.

SoupDragon · 30/12/2012 12:00

I have this Usborne book which may answer boy questions. Or at least give them a basic grounding in certain subjects to allow them to ask appropriate questions.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 30/12/2012 13:18

DS1 is 8 and we've talked vaguely around the subject. He's familiar with the word 'sex' and understands it to mean a special kind of cuddle that you do when you're naked. He asked what else it involved but when I said I would tell him if he wanted, but that it involved bits, he looked horrified and declared that he's far too young to know and maybe we'll discuss it next year.

LaurieBlueBell · 30/12/2012 13:38

I found the Usbourne "What's happening to me" book very good. I gave it to ds when he was 9. He's 12 now and funnily enough we had a chat about respecting girls when we walked the dog this morning.

Ds isn't one for asking lots of questions but I make sure he knows if he does have a question I would be happy to help.

Dh is absolutely rubbish at that sort of stuff

Feminine · 30/12/2012 14:02

tinker I think that is really odd.

Not that you posted it, but that someone offered that up as help.

There is a thing as being too involved IMO.

TheElfOnThePanopticon · 30/12/2012 14:53

I try to answer questions as they come up and talk about things if they crop up in conversation, nut I've never had a proper talk so I decided to ask the children what they knew and check if they needed clarification on anything. DS (3) knew that babies grow in the mommy's tummy, but not how they came out. I told him and he was very surprised because a vagina is too small, so I explained that they stretched and that wad one if the reasons it takes a long time for a baby to be born. We also talked about caesarians.

DD (6) knew about how the sperm got in to meet the egg and how the baby got out, but wanted to know more about DNA and cell division and how the foetus knew what shape to grow into and why our bodies sometimes make mistakes so that bits of the baby don't always work or grow. I'm glad I asked because it was a really interesting conversation.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 30/12/2012 15:57

Bite sized bits here too, dd is 6 and knows about how babies are made (the egg and the sperm bit, not the actual mechanics of it, although she watches enough nature documentaries to have a fair idea. Ds is 8 and we have recently had a little chat about sex (something that adults do) and about how describing someone as sexy isn't really appropriate at his age (particularly since he was talking about a friend at school!) because he doesn't really know what it means yet.
Im sure there will be more in depth discussions with ds about the actual logistics of it in the next year or so, certainly by the time he is 10 he will know about safe sex, respecting his body, etc etc.

skullcandy · 30/12/2012 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule · 31/12/2012 09:23

My DD(nearly 6) has been asking for ages how babies actually get into the mummy's tummy. I've been really open with her about everything else, e.g. how the baby comes out, correct anatomical names for genitals (she has a younger brother, so knows there are differences between boys and girls) but the "well, the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina" talk just makes me cringe a bit .

I think I'll have to get one of the books recommended in this thread and just get on with it. My mum thinks she's too young and should 'keep her innocence' for longer, but I think if she's old enough to ask the question (constantly) she's probably old enough to be told.

SoupDragon · 31/12/2012 10:21

You could go down the whole seed/egg/naked cuddles route rather than full on detail and take it from there - she may ask more questions or be happy with what you've told her. eg DSs were content with "the baby is pushed out of a special bit of my bottom" when wondering how their baby sister was going to get out. Had there been more questions I would have elaborated but there weren't.

An anecdote that sticks in my mind from somewhere is about a small child who asked "Where did I come from?" The parents launched into the full sex explanation but the answer the child was actually looking for was something like London. :)

mrsjay · 31/12/2012 10:24

mrsjay, your DD sounds very wise

lets hope she stays wise for a few more years yet

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