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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think its all over and its all my fault for letting it happen

25 replies

inneedofsomehelp · 29/12/2012 19:51

Hi, I'll try not to be too long but here's some background. Together for 9 years, son from previous relationship. I have been feeling like things are not right for a while. The thing that kicked it off is our engagement. We have been engaged for 3 years but the last time I tried to broach the question of a date I was greeted with the following outburst....what's your problem, why do you keep going on about it....you've got a ring on your finger...this was almost two years after we got engaged . This led to a huge argument as does anything that dp does not agree with, followed by sulking for a couple of days. This also applies to sharing the housework.....don't act like you're a martyr, you don't do anything more than other women. Again when I try to reason that I'm not interested in what other women do, that we should be a partnership, he replied I thought we were about more that that, not some partnership, WTF does that mean! Again there is a sulk and we are barely talking. There is more which I don't think I can go into at the moment but I feel this is my fault for allowing things to continue like this. Each time we have a issue something dies in me. I'm not strong enough to make a break.

OP posts:

Tabliope · 29/12/2012 19:56

I think you need to get your strength together and make the break. You can't marry this man, he sounds awful. Marrying him will only compound it. After you're married he'll be saying what's your problem? I married you, didn't I? Get out now. Start making plans. You sound really sweet and are better than this.

notagypsy · 29/12/2012 19:58

Why are you not strong enough? I think you really need to break from this guy. He will wear you down until you start believing his manipuliptive shit! You need to think of your impressionable son, imagine he picked up any of his horrible traits. It will be hard but so worth it, you are worth more.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 29/12/2012 19:59

Walk away from this man-child. He's like this now - do you really think he's miraculously going to turn into the partner you want in five years? Ten years? Twenty five years?!

ErikNorseman · 29/12/2012 20:00

He sounds awful. I think you're well rid. Why do you think it's your fault?

JustFabulous · 29/12/2012 20:00

You are strong enough to make the break. He is a prick. Why get engaged if you don't want to get married? It seems he has changed his mind or only proposed to shut you up as he had no intention of actually marrying you.

Whocansay · 29/12/2012 20:00

I can't imagine why you'd want to stay. Do you really want to teach your son that this is how men behave? If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son. I can't imagine he's having a great time growing up in this kind of atmosphere.

fiftelement · 29/12/2012 20:00

sell the ring

Original poster

inneedofsomehelp · 29/12/2012 20:03

I am sure now that I don't wont to marry him anyway...I have taken my engagement ring off but he hasn't noticed, or if he has he has not said anything. He is not a bad person and I don't see him that way, believe me 99% of the time everything is fine, its just these issues that seem to be the problem

OP posts:

Original poster

inneedofsomehelp · 29/12/2012 20:05

ErikNorseman if I had been stronger about what I wanted and what I was not prepared to put up with from the start then maybe things could be resolved. How can I complain now when I have put up for so long.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2012 20:06

Fairly big issues, to be fair...

simplesusan · 29/12/2012 20:07

You do deserve better.
If he won't do the housework without an argument then you are better off without him.
He won't commit so why should you stay.
Be strong and leave.

Tabliope · 29/12/2012 20:08

If you're doing most of the housework I don't think things can be fine 99% of the time. Also, calling you a martyr is not on - that's him trying to control you. And the sulking? That's immature behaviour. He sounds like every time you broach a subject to discuss something he shouts you down and then sulks. He's not worthy of you or your son. If it's your name on the house/tenancy agreement I'd pack his bags and send him on his way. You will have a period of mourning for him but believe me you'll look back and think you were well rid of him. Do it as you can't have kids with him. He will make your life a misery. And your poor DS's. We are all telling you the same thing. These are major red flags. It's not easy but do you really want to live with this?

Tabliope · 29/12/2012 20:12

He's made you downtrodden so you can't stand up for yourself. That's what these people do. You'll be doubting everything you do - you probably are already. He will never make you happy. It shouldn't have been a case of you being stronger, it should have been a case of two people trying to make each other happy and wanting the same things. He's controlling you. Have you any friends in RL you can talk to?

Original poster

inneedofsomehelp · 29/12/2012 20:29

Hi Tabliope
I do have friends in RL that I can talk to but I tend not to. I don't really like to share the ins and outs of my relationship. Even posting on here has me feeling uncomfortable. Maybe once I say it out loud its real!

OP posts:

DonderandBlitzen · 29/12/2012 20:35

Please don't blame yourself for this. Blame your partner. He sounds awful and manipulative. "I thought we were about more that that, not some partnership" What absolute bollocks. You'll never be able to raise any issues that are concerning you with this man as he'll just twist your words and then sulk. I think you need to make the break.

Fairyegg · 29/12/2012 20:39

Why would you want to marry him? Perhaps you would recieve some good advise over on relationships?

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 29/12/2012 20:43

Yuck. He sounds like an absolute git. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and be glad you didn't marry him. You say 99% of the time things are fine, but reading your posts, that is definitely not true is it. If you have to have a conversation about housework, he isn't pulling his weight, and he doesn't care that you are doing his share either, in fact he doesn't even want to hear you talk about it, he just wants you to do it and shut up about it. He treats you with no respect at all and doesn't care about your feelings. What an awful person to waste your life on. I would not waste any more time on this selfish knob-end.

Tabliope · 29/12/2012 20:58

I think you're the only person that can decide what you're going to do. All of us on the internet saying leave him or your friends doing the same isn't going to make your mind up. I don't know your circumstances but if you can start making some plans to escape. If the house is in your name ask him to go. It sounds simple but I think you might look back in years to come and regret not doing it. I don't know how these things work but could you talk to someone at Relate? I think you need someone to convince you this relationship is not in your best interests (it sounds like it's already affected your personality) and more importantly your son's. What is he like with your DS? Does he try to make you grateful for every minor thing he does for your DS? You either find the strength to put your foot down in the relationship or you find the strength to leave it. You are worth more than this. Listen to us. I know it's easy for us to say but it's probably the same advice you'd give to someone else.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 29/12/2012 21:05

He sounds like a twat

wewereherefirst · 29/12/2012 21:10

Please leave him, he sounds awful to you. Please don't let him be a role model for your son- he needs you to be strong and make this break! You do not deserve to be treated this way!

Original poster

inneedofsomehelp · 29/12/2012 21:47

Thanks for the advice guys...wow it sure sounds brutal. My son will be away for a couple of days so am going to sit down and try to have a proper, sensible grown up talk...to see if there is any hope. We shall see

OP posts:

Tabliope · 29/12/2012 22:06

I wish you the best of luck inneedofsomehelp. When you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see clearly. You don't sound happy and life is too short to not be happy.

notmyproblem · 29/12/2012 22:20

How can I complain now when I have put up for so long.

OP please don't fall into the trap of throwing good money after bad. Or in your case, throwing your future away. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Yes you've invested a number of years in a relationship and it hurts to realise that it may be for nought. But in reality, he doesn't treat you well, he takes you for granted, he's a bad role model for your son. Or simply he's not the right one for you. In any case the sooner you make a break, the better off you will be.

Good luck. You sound like you are a strong woman and the most important step is that you realise a change must be made. You will get through it and be even stronger on the other side.

peaceandlovebunny · 29/12/2012 22:26

move on.
he's not that into you.

SquinkiesRule · 29/12/2012 23:04

He is who he is, being more upfront years ago about what you want/expect wouldn't have made him any different, that isn't under your control. But it may well have meant that you'd have moved on sooner. He put a ring on your finger thinking that would shut you up, he obviously doesn't want to get married and he sounds horrible. Time to move on without him.

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