AIBU- cross!!

[Cuddlyrunner]

DS2 , DS2GF and DS3 are off to the zoo, this is 4 miles from their DGM so naturally as she hasn't seen DS2 and DS2GF for about eight months (live away) they are calling in there afterwards, She has just rung me (after they have left) and informed me that "they won't be expecting a meal or anything will they?".

This is how she approaches life,"You don't want a present do you?" "You'd rather have the money" "You don't think that". "We don't think like that do we?" You don't want to eat that do you?"

DS1 has huge issues and I am currently sitting in my house alone emotionally battered from Xmas with him and trying to gather my thoughts. She is aware of this and would only ask about him as to how it might affect her. "You won't bring him up if he's going to cause a scene will you?".

I'm fragile I know at the moment, but bear in mind there is a corner shop 100 yards from her could she not have thought, I'm seeing the boys , I'll go out and get a loaf of bread and some ham in case they want a sandwich. Why is it always, You won't...

She doesn't like it if I tell her the truth about ds1, she has only ever had an edited version because I don't think it is fair to tell her all, and she says she only wants to think of happy things.

When my dad died two years ago I spent his last ten weeks with them 24-7, doing all of the appointments, phone calls etc, biting my lip when she commented on everything I ate. Six months later she started an internet relationship with a man she met on holiday-and gave me hell for being upset about it. It came to nothing when she sent him an OTT email and he vanished into cyberspace but not before she had talked about him non stop for weeks.

I'm sick of pretending we live in blinking fairyland and being told what I think and I don't care if I ever see her again, there I said it!!!

and please answer, cos I am at the end of my tether x

not really unreasonable, just a little over-optimistic.
i'm sorry you've had a hard christmas.

i know where your mum's coming from - i'm there myself. you get to a stage in life where you don't want any responsibility at all, and will do anything to shirk it.

i don't know why. i think its about getting old - nature's way of making you hand over 'power' to the younger generation.

basically, you're saying 'i wish my mum was still a capable person', at a time in her life when she isn't, and won't be again. its harsh. it throws it all back onto you.

how old is your mum? i'm 55. i know its not old in years. but in my head, its too old to be the grown-up any more.

Sounds a nightmare. She's clearly happy there in la la land, not sure if there's much you can do to change it. Sounds like her way of coping with life.
Sorry you are having to take on all of the family responsibilities, looking after your dad and your DS1 must have been unbelievably stressful and hard work. Was she like this as you were growing up, or is it more recent?
She can nip out now for some bread/snacks can't she, or send the kids when they get there maybe.
Not much help sorry, but wish I could do more to make it a bit easier for you.

Oh, OP, have my first every unmumsnetty (((hug)))

You sound emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed with what is going on in your life atm and your DM is no support at all.

YANBU to want her support but I think you're going to be disappointed if you ever expect it. Is there anyone else you can turn to for that support?

*ever

I wouldn't worry too much, they are at the zoo, they sell food, they probably won't want anything.
It is s 'quirk' of personality that you don't like but you are unlikely to change it unless you challenge it and say "yes, actually, they will want something to eat".
She knows you will back down and comply and that is why she does it.

I think I'm rebelling at the grand age of 48 of the constant criticism and veiled barbed comments, always said with a laugh and a look how funny I'm being and how ridiculous she is to be offended.upset/devastated by what I say. Even her best friend has said to her that she is overly critical. She has always been the same, it was always smile, don't make a scene, don't say the wrong thing, don't voice an opinion as it is wrong and your opinion doesn't matter anyway and particularly, don't try and do that, it might not work.

I live 30 miles away, DSis lives at the bottom of the street and DM looks after DN frequently. Also constantly being told how wonderful she is and how fantastic it is to have one child. (I had 3 under 3 and got left with them, she did help a lot in those first couple of years but now tells EVERYONE how horrendous it was, the children were animals etc) (they weren't because they were young and there were three of them and I had to work because I'd been left, they were hard work but DS2 and DS3 now hold down really good jobs and are lovely people)
I think over the last week in particular I've just realised how toxic it is to constantly have PA from her.

and by the way i now have a lovely DH

OP you poor thing.

Peaceandlove - are you serious? Good job my dad didn't feel that way at 55, fair few patients would have been upset if he had just wandered off mid-operation because he couldn't be arsed!

Bloody hell, peace and love. I'm 54. With four kids. I'm still responsible. Particularly as three have SN. More importantly I don't want to shirk my responsibilities. I don't think I'd like being a member of your family much.

OP. You are going to have to have a strong word.

I do get what peaceandlove means lol,
I think what has ticked me off is the email boxing day where she pointed out that none of them had rung her to thank her for xmas money (fair enough but I had nagged and they are in their twenties) and how she never sees them (ds 2 lives 100 miles away and I've only seen him twice since June , ds3 works odd shifts and doesn't drive but did see her at a family meal at hers two weeks ago , they rang her yesterday to check she would be in (very active and good social life) she wasn't going to be out,so she knew they were coming, is offering them a sandwich too much to ask and ringing me to tell me they won't want one will they in an accusatory tone. When I had all my growing up years being told how life threateningly dreadful it would be if someone came and you didn't have anything to offer them so best not have friends over EVER so it wouldn't happen (never short of anything growing up, never indulged but never short) and you mustn't let anyone see your real feelings, smile damn you.
Never make a scene, never confront anyone or anything or stand up for yourself because PEOPLE might look, never try anything in case you don't like it and it will have been a WASTE!!!!

I think after the Xmas with DS1 I can see her influence on how I deal with stuff so much more clearly and I really really don't want to deal with her any more or have her comment on how I deal with himi from now on as that will take all of my emotional reserves.

trust me, the moment will come when you won't be responsible any more. and every minor responsibility will seem to be a ridiculous imposition. including surgery, if you're performing it.

Sorry to hear this OP. Hard for you if DS1 has problems. And your Mum seems to have left you with some difficult stuff to deal with. And it awful to be told what you think or what you will and won't want. A call before they left letting them know that she wouldn't be able to feed them so they would be best to get something while out would have been fine.

I do understand about the relinquishing of responsibility though. My mum has given up entirely now - but she's 78. I am in my 50's and can feel it creeping up on me though - I just don't want to do it any more - and it all seems like a lot of effort for not much sometimes.