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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother with this fecking meal!!!

15 replies

Lindsay321 · 29/12/2012 10:50

I've moaned about SIL on here before but under a different name.

SIL and her husband NEVER tell us/ask us when they're going to visit, they either just turn up with with PILs or sometimes MIL will tell us a day before they're coming. This didn't bother me at first but since DS arrived our tiny flat has got smaller and DP and I struggle with lots of visitors (there's no where for us all to sit for a start).

Last month MIL told us SIL and her DH were coming with them (nothing from SIL) so DP had to say no not this time lets arrange something else so it would just be the four of us. SIL went on a rant on how difficult it is to get to us because their car can't drive long distances (this is not true!). DP also asked her to contact us when they're coming. SIL was silent on this request.

At PILS last visit we were told that at Christmas SIL and her DH would be coming too. Fine, we thought, thinking it would probably be the last time she relayed a message through her mother and it was Christmas, so big family meal would be nice.

On Christmas Day FIL called and told us that SIL's DH was on call so would need to use our internet and have a place to work as he would be bringing his laptop with him. Again, nothing from SIL.

DP and I were up past fecking midnight last night preparing our meal and this morning, five minutes before they head off, MIL calls to tell us SIL's husband can't come after all as he needs to be at the office. Nothing from SIL, not even a text.

I know I'm being unreasonable to throw my toys out of the pram and not cook the meal, but would WIBU to tell SIL outright to stop relaying messages through PILS and tell us herself about her and her husband's plans and cancellations?

OP posts:
MrsTomHardy · 29/12/2012 10:53

Yes that would really annoy me too.
Surely she has a mobile phone and can at least text if not call....how weird and how rude!

Convert · 29/12/2012 10:55

She sounds like a child. I can't think of any reason that she would not be able to speak to you herself and send messages through her parents like this. I think you should ring her and tell her that she needs to speak to you about things so she has to discuss it with you.

MrsTomHardy · 29/12/2012 10:58

Has DP or yourself ever asked her why she doesn't communicate with you herself??

jessjessjess · 29/12/2012 11:03

Either she's a selective mute or she is supremely rude. What does your DP think about it?

DontmindifIdo · 29/12/2012 11:06

I think you need to tell MIL that you aren't goign to welcome SIL into your home until she's prepared to talk to you herself, actually say that while you are grateful MIL thought to let you konw they wouldnt be coming so you didn't prepare food for her, you think it's really rude that SIL couldn't be bothered to call or text herself. MIL will probably try to justify her DD's behaviour, but keep clear that you aren't angry at MIL and that you are so glad someone thought to let you know, but if you couldn't attend a meal as planned, you would call and let the host know yourself and you can't abide bad manners like this.

Keep repeating how upset at SIL you are, while glad MIL told you, at least but that MIL shouldn't have to, that SIL is a grown woman etc.

Then just don't invite her again. It's so rude.

DontmindifIdo · 29/12/2012 11:08

BTW - it could be that MIL likes to be the one in the centre of everything and is discouraging your SIL from talking to you directly, so by keep talking about how rude you think SIL is for doing this (don't worry about causing a scene, it's about time you did!), then it might get through to MIL that while she sees her DCs as still children, other people expect them to act as independant adults.

Thumbwitch · 29/12/2012 11:12

Does she talk to you in person? Does she have some kind of technophobia? or is she just lazy and rude?

I'd be tempted to tell them that unless they can be bothered to contact you directly, they won't be allowed through the door. HOw rude!

Original poster
Lindsay321 · 29/12/2012 11:16

DP and I haven't asked her why she wont talk to us directly. I'm a bit paranoid an have thought maybe I've done something rude to her and this is her way of getting back at me. If that's the case I can't think what I've done though.

She is a woman-child and MIL can't she her ever doing anything wrong so it will be tricky to pull her up on this while MIL is here.

I like the suggestion of thanking MIL for letting us know but not letting up on how upset I am with SIL.

DP is angry too but his family is very much the "brush under the carpet", "don't make a fuss" while I'm like a teenager when I'm angry and tend to let rip which gets me no where.

I'm going to really have to control my rage today (it burns like a thousand suns Xmas Angry )

Wish me luck, they'll be here in about 30 mins.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 29/12/2012 11:19

Well perhaps you could talk directly to the SIL when she arrives and be extremely pointed - say "Oh, you must not have our mobile numbers, here let me put them into your phone for you, I'll even put them on speed dial so that you can let us know directly instead of having to go through your mum every time"
See how she likes them apples...

DontmindifIdo · 29/12/2012 11:24

Yes, MIL has obviously screwed up along the way, she's not taught her DD that cancelling without apologising directly to the host is rude. It could be that MIL also doesn't see this as rude. Make it clear you think it is and are hurt and offended.

Original poster
Lindsay321 · 29/12/2012 11:24

I love the phone numbers thing Thumb

I just don't want to create an atmosphere or upset anyone today but I can't for the life of me think how to put across how mad I am without doing this.

And it's a Christmas meal so there will be those paper hats too! How tragic!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 29/12/2012 11:28

Do'nt worry about not creating an atmosphere, sometimes, it is the only way. Don't hold back, create an atmosphere. Cause a scene. Accept it's the only way to avoid internally seething for the next 30 years when she keeps doing this.

clam · 29/12/2012 11:44

I'm curious as to why you think that this meal is going to be the last one that SIL turns up to uninvited or by going through your PILs?

I'm sorry but I think you're going to have to be a bit more assertive and TELL HER, not your mil, face-to-face. Otherwise, you're going to keep on getting what you're getting.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 29/12/2012 11:51

Why don't you ever call your sil to check arrangements?

clam · 29/12/2012 12:06

"I just don't want to create an atmosphere or upset anyone today"

But it's OK that YOU'RE angry and upset?

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