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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'The Rage' and hate myself for it.

34 replies

GrrrrArrgh · 29/12/2012 01:12

DH and I have been trying for another DC for the best part of a year. No joy.

A lovely friend of mine has been trying for a similar amount of time. She messaged me today to tell me she is pregnant.

God love her she told me first. Of course I went straight back to her to tell her I am thrilled for her. I AM thrilled for her.

Then I cried and cried in a bitter jealous rage. Then DH told me I am insane and a horrid person because I should be happy for her.

I am happy for her, but I am sad and utterly jealous and bitter for me.

Now I feel like a complete cunt. And I may have to cry a bit more, and seethe a bit, and possibly throw myself to the floor and stamp my feet.

I don't know what is wrong with me tbh, I know IABU.

OP posts:
TraineeBabyCatcher · 29/12/2012 01:15

You sound normal to me. A normal reaction and nothing is wrong with you.

apostrophethesnowman · 29/12/2012 01:16

YANBU You're just naturally upset because you want another child. You did put your feelings aside and congratulated her. You're not letting her know how you feel.

As you said, you are happy for her, but it doesn't stop you hurting that it's not happened for you yet.

Take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.

WelshMaenad · 29/12/2012 01:17

Nope, completely normal. I lost three pregnancies trying for DC2. When I found out that my friend with a dc the same age as my DC1 was pregnant with her DC2 I sobbed for about five hours.

Normal.

SquinkiesRule · 29/12/2012 01:24

You sound perfectly normal, and it was very nice of her to let you know first, so you didn't hear it through the grape vine. Sending baby vibes your way, may it happen quickly for you.
I know I was unsure to let my own sis know about our unplanned first baby, she had been trying for 3 years. She was over the moon and I'm sure she cried a few tears for herself too.

WandaDoff · 29/12/2012 01:25

There is nothing wrong with you love. It's ok to feel that way, when you want something THAT much, then seeing someone else getting it first, is bound to make you feel bad.
A wee rage in private is fine if it helps. You congratulated your friend & you ARE happy for her. Just a bit jealous its not you.

Normal human nature.

Your day will come Smile

Oh, & tell your DH he's a twat for not understanding this.

Startail · 29/12/2012 01:28

DD1 is almost 15, I still sometimes feel she should be older than DFs DD1.

She would have been if she hadn't taken 18 sodding months of TTC

Startail · 29/12/2012 01:29

YANBU to be upset.

PimpMyHippo · 29/12/2012 01:31

I think your DH is the one at fault for being so unkind and making you feel bad, you can't help being upset!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/12/2012 01:36

You are happy for your friend ,of course you are.
And she would have felt a bit awkward telling you she is pg, if she knew your situation.

But yes, you are allowed to be upset (and a bit Hmm at your DH).
And gnash your teeth down to stumps at how blardy unfair it is.
You are human.

Good Luck in your TTC btw.

MoetEtPantsOn · 29/12/2012 01:37

This same thing happened to me 10 years ago. Then the friend had a miscarriage a few days later. I felt awful for her and even more awful that I felt a teensy bit relieved. what a terrible thing to admit

She fell pregnant again next cycle and I cried and cried again and then DH and I had a big chat. He admitted he had some things he'd like to do before we had kids. I realised that I had something too. We did those things and then 5 years ago started to TTC again. Now have two DCs. Timing much better for us.

Of course we were amazingly fortunate that later in life it seemed to be much easier to conceive. But I tell you this story to say that I completely emphasise and remember your pain. And also to offer some hope.

Your DH may just be frustrated that he can't offer much cheering up but i think he IBU to call you those things. Can you do some of your raging away from him? Get it all out. Good luck. You sound like a lovely friend.

Original poster
GrrrrArrgh · 29/12/2012 01:44

Oh thank you.

I think I was a bit wrong footed by his reaction Blush as he caught me out crying and I just told him why without thinking.

I know he is a lot more relaxed about the time it's taking us than I am, which is undoubtedly a more sensible approach the git so I guess he thought I was angry with her or something, maybe.

Am also totally PMSing, so just had the whole 'utter failure' feeling for this month, which probably didn't help.

I may stop crying soon numpty that I am

OP posts:
Damash12 · 29/12/2012 01:44

Totally normal reaction. I did the same thing last year when a couple of friends said they where pregnant. Dh used to say "good for them" and totally not get why I was sad and tearful. Anyway, next mission was ovulation testing kits (couple of quid from eBay) no more mrs yeah let's see what happens. Only 2 months later bingo! and now 35 weeks pg. god luck Hun x

Jacksmania · 29/12/2012 03:03

You can be utterly sad for yourself and truly happy for someone else at the same time. Trust me, I feel that way a lot.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Shall I come over and give your DH a gentle smack so he stops being a git? unsympathetic swine

Fakebook · 29/12/2012 03:51

Unfortunately your reaction is very much normal and you shouldn't feel guilty. I had 4 early miscarriages before I had DS and remember crying very emotionally when reading about Mariah Carey's twin pregnancy(!) it felt unfair that I couldn't conceive ONE healthy baby in my mid-late twenties, yet here was this beautiful celeb with a perfect life, expecting two perfect babies at her (ahem) advanced age.

I really do hope things work out for you, as it happens DS was conceived whilst we were on a holiday we had put off for 3 years. Maybe you could do with a relaxing break somewhere faraway and hot!

jteee · 29/12/2012 04:10

You are not a twat or an idiot...but admitting to RAGE like this over something so personal, and trivial to many, is a worry.
See a shrink.

jteee · 29/12/2012 04:11

Why is anyone on thisd thread threatening PHYSICAL violence for example? Who the f* would like that if threatened against one of us?

jessjessjess · 29/12/2012 04:14

jteee did you read the post? Feeling upset in this situ is normal. It's not trivial. You're being horrible not helping.

jessjessjess · 29/12/2012 04:15

And are taking the wrong things seriously...

lottiegarbanzo · 29/12/2012 04:40

You sound normal and your DH really needs to learn something about empathy and kindness. Not immediately understanding your reaction is one thing but calling you names is quite another.

McNewPants2013 · 29/12/2012 04:49

very normal, TTC with DC2 and having my sister pregnant and SIL pregnant I cried and cried and cried and showed emotions that wasn't pretty.

i was looking forward to becoming an auntie to 2, but it didn't stop me feeling that I WISHED IT WAS ME

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 29/12/2012 05:04

YANBU. I did the same when I'd been tying around 6mo and a dear friend announced her pregnancy. I was do happy for her. She'd just got married and it was her first. But so sad for me even though I had 2 dc already.

It's completely normal. Be kind to yourself!

FellatioNelson · 29/12/2012 05:16

YANBU at all, your reaction is perfectly normal and justifiable. Sad Just try to keep your feelings to yourself and DH, and do not let your disappointment and envy tip over into acting like a cow bag to her, as her PG progresses. Because that would be VU.

Lots of that seems to go on, sadly. I am sure the women who do it are hurting inside but it's not fair to be mean to someone else for something they have no control over. I am sure you will not do that though, but just saying....

And I predict you will conceive in 2013. Grin

yousmell · 29/12/2012 08:38

Go ask for a day 21 progesterone text at your GP surgery. Common problem for women and easily resolved.

harassedandherbug · 29/12/2012 08:59

Sounds like a totally normal reaction to me. It's so hard, and such mixed feelings.

I hope your dh can be a bit more sympathetic.

MrsKeithRichards · 29/12/2012 09:09

Been there, totally normal. Have you seen your go yet? I went after a year I'd trying, I was 27 with one dc already and he was quite surprised I hadn't came in sooner really. He done that 21 day test which was fine, said to get eh to hand in a sample and mentioned he'd see me in a year with a baby. he was right, he done my son's 6 week check almost exactly a year later.