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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Iabu, help me to deal with it!

14 replies

Cathycomehome · 29/12/2012 00:22

I went to university aged 18 and met a boyfriend. We quickly slept together and had what felt like a serious relationship. I fell pregnant. It was an awful time. I did not tell my mum and dad, they're devout Catholics and I felt I couldn't. He did tell his mum, who arrived at our uni and told me that the baby would wreck both of our lives and put pressure on me to have a private abortion, which they would pay for. Which I did. On my 19 th birthday. My birthday is June, so it was vacation shortly afterwards. My mum, I don't know how, guessed what had happened. She was very supportive as was my dad in his way, but I had a bit of a breakdown. It ended up that boyfriend and I took a year out of uni and lived with his parents in his home town in South Wales a long way from my home town for a year. We went back to a different uni, same one as each other though, and did different courses the following year. I was still not over it, and behaved erratically and found life hard. We split up. He got a new girlfriend. We graduated, with difficulty in my case, and moved on. I met my dp and had a baby very quickly ( when I was 22) and we are still happy and have just had DS 2 who is 5 months old.

Facebook has just shown me that my uni boyfriend married the girlfriend he met in our uni town in South Wales and has two small children ( because we have a random mutual friend).

I am happy. I love mypartner and our children. But looking at ex's profile pic of his children has made me cry.

I am now 35, by the way.

OP posts:
gimmecakeandcandy · 29/12/2012 00:24

Why do you want to cry? I don't really know what to suggest other then look at the partner you have and your children, think of what you have...

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 29/12/2012 00:25

I really truly don't know why!

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 29/12/2012 00:29

Delete him from Facebook? You obviously have residual issues over the abortion you never wanted, understandable.

Tell yourself it led you to the right place now, of it hadn't happened you wouldn't have your DCs, cut pointless contact with ex and move on.

polkadotsrock · 29/12/2012 00:30

I think to call yourself unreasonable for this is being incredibly harsh on yourself. I assume that what you're experiencing is a jumble of emotions really and perhaps you can imagine from seeing his children what children you would have had together may look like. You did what felt right all those years ago and have moved on wonderfully with DH and family but allow yourself to grieve, no matter how long it has been. It is an issue from a life you had before your marriage and is not any insult to them

CoolaYuleA · 29/12/2012 00:32

YANBU - being happy now does not change what happened in the past, or that it was a hugely painful and emotional time for you that you clearly struggled with.

You were pregnant with this man's child, with all the emotions that go with that - and you had an abortion which it doesn't sound like you were truly certain about. It is understandable to look at your ex and his children and to feel emotional for the past and the child you could have had with him.

There is nothing wrong in crying for what could have been and acknowledging the past, as long as you then pick yourself up, look at what you have now and appreciate that had things been different you wouldn't have your partner and children.

Feeling sad for what might have been and for the child that isn't here is perfectly normal.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 29/12/2012 00:36

Thanks. I think all of you have put the nail on the head of how I feel. I'm happy, in fact I hadn't thought of him for years, except when pregnant a tiny bit if I'm honest. He's not my friend on facebook, we have a mutual friend as it turns out, so he just appeared on my friend's profile and I couldn't help but look, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
TiddlyOmPomPomPaRumPaPumPum · 29/12/2012 00:41

You don't sound unreasonable to me - mourning doesn't have an expiry date, and terminations affect everyone differently. I'm sorry you're so upset, but please don't brush it under the carpet, maybe try and talk to someone about it to try and resolve your feelings about that time? Bottled up emotions have a habit of spilling everywhere at the worst moments.

Damash12 · 29/12/2012 01:06

I'd be kind to yourself, yanbu it's just a case of what may have been but doesn't mean you are not happy with what you have. Maybe if this was your first love it still holds memories and the termination may still bother you but I'm sure when tomorrow comes and your 5 month old gives you a cheeky smile you'll forget the randomness of tonight and know everything happens for a reason and usually a good one! Take care Hun x

jessjessjess · 29/12/2012 14:04

I think this has stirred up a lot of emotions for you and it's not surprising you are upset. He represents a very upsetting time in your life and it sounds like you went through a lot. Did you ever have counselling? It sounds like maybe talking about this could help? x

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 29/12/2012 16:15

Just come back to this, sorry. No, no counselling. In the cold light of day it doesn't seem as important, it just gets to me at odd moments. Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 29/12/2012 16:30

mine still gets to me 22 years after Sad I went on to marry DP whose baby it was, and we now have 2 DS but I still wonder about what could have been. with a sensible head on we were in a new relationship, we were not ready for a child, I was still at college and it was not the time, with my heart I think.... if only he had said, just once, please don't do it, we would possibly have had a child a few years older than our ds1. however, he does say, that means our ds1 and 2 might never have been here, and at that stage in the relationship we may never have survived the stresses of bringing up a child so I could have been in a totally different place as a single parent.

CailinDana · 29/12/2012 16:52

Things just hit you sometimes, it's normal. It's ok to feel bad and have a cry about a stressful incident in your past, the only problem is if it starts to take over your life and become a serious issue, which it sounds like it's not. Everyone has things they look back on with sadness and it's totally understandable to feel sad about what happened with your ex.

Is there anyone in real life that you could talk to about it? Sometimes just talking can help to put these things to bed once and for all.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 29/12/2012 21:56

I have this weird desire to contact Him to talk about it. I know I can't. But still.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/12/2012 22:06

Could you write a letter that you don't send? Would you be able to keep it private, eg in draft form on an email? You could say everything you want to say, then delete it. It can be very cathartic, believe me, when there's no real answer to be had.

Interesting that his mother, a devout Catholic, put pressure on you to have an abortion. Dreadful. I feel so sorry for you; I can hear the struggle you went through as you tried to make the relationship work. Having another child so quickly, too, is very telling.

If you had had the baby, how do you think your life would have panned out? (If that's not too painful a question, of course.)

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