WIBU to not see my side of the family anymore at christmas??

[MoomieAndFreddie]

background: since i was a baby my parents have always spent christmas (from christmas eve to new years day) at my aunt and uncle's house, 120 miles from our hometown

me and younger dbro went with them for the whole time, it was great, our cousins are similar age and it was a lovely exciting time, we would go for long country walks, go horseriding etc. (they have a farm)
and then as adults we would just go for a couple of days

however since i have had my dc (3 and 6) it has been a whole lot harder but i want to see them all at christmas as it is all i have known. 2 years ago we didn't go and i felt like it wasnt a proper christmas and was quite depressed over it and missed my parents.

so this year we drove up on boxing day A.M, spent the afternoon there then and stayed in a travelodge. then went for a family meal on the 27th and we then drove back, got home late last night. i am back at work today and shattered have not had a break at all. as also christmas day had 70 mile round trip to visit DH family.

anyway, my parents, dbro and cousins basically ignored us for the whole time we were there. and the meal was awful, really pretentious posh restaurant and my dcs didnt like the overpriced food. it was dead awkward. and also my dad had had a row with my uncle so my uncle didnt come as he was sulking . so there was a tense atmosphere. and then my brother and cousins sat down the other end of the table (they are younger than me and dh) ignoring everyone and laughing at immature "in jokes" as if they were teenagers too cool to sit with the adults

in total it cost us £170 to go there. thats petrol, hotel costs and the meal. so basically £170 to have a long stressful drive with small dcs, a shit time and be pretty much ignored by my family

and i wish we had not bothered. dh thinks my DPs should give up on it now they have GCs - and so do i tbh. plus the farm is a working one so my aunt and uncle are on the go all the time so its not exactly restful anyway and no one gets any quality time together really. but then i can see their point as its all they have ever done at christmas :(

sorry its long, but didnt want to drip feed. and believe me, this is the short version :(

The dynamics of families change over time. New people introduced, new shared events and history, the people themselves altering as their life changes etc.

I'd just accept that the time for that tradition may have passed - especially with your DCs around - and make different plans for next year. Start a new way of doing things?

Have you thought of other ways to get together with your parents/other family members at other times of year?

I don't think you can go too far with your parents - it's up to them what they choose to do. But I think you could opt out of this yourselves now - the fact that it's all you've ever known doesn't mean it is the only way you could ever be happy. Maybe it's time to invent your own Christmas, with your own fun traditions - it doesn't sound like this really works for you any more.

You could try suggesting to your parents that it didn't look like they'd enjoyed it much either, and see if that prompts them to rethink.

If you like your cousins etc (and tbh I'm not sure why you would from your description...) then maybe you could plan to visit them at a better time of year?

life has changed. change your christmas arrangements.
this is the first year in 55 that i haven't had a meal at my parents' house on christmas day.
things have changed. that's all.

cozie - yes I'd just accept that the time for that tradition may have passed - especially with your DCs around - and make different plans for next year. Start a new way of doing things

this is what i want to do. for me, the tradition HAS passed i think. It was all very well when we were all kids, but now we are adults its just not the same. and i think i feel sad that it isnt the same. although if i am completely honest with myself when i was a kid it wasn't ideal either, lots of bickering amongst the kids, adults getting stressed and fed up with the kids, us getting bored etc. i guess i just look back on it with rose tinted glasses

i feel sad because i don't think i would see my cousins and aunt and uncle if it wasn;t for meeting at christmas. but then, i am not sure i would want to. (for the reasons i listed above) but that makes me sad, not sure why

and personally, if, god willing, i have grandchildren, i would WANT to see them at christmas. i wouldn;t want to go miles and miles away from them. but thats just me. if we don;t ever go again, my parents won't see my DC at christmas as, as i say, they go xmas eve and come home new years day.

and peaceandlovebunny, if you don't mind me asking, why did you not go to your parents this year? just wondering, sorry for nosiness

For me as a gp I would be sad if I didn't see some of my dgc at Christmas . Sometimes we travel sometimes they do. We are never all together (too many) but always some-new families new traditions I feel.

I would guess that one or both of peaceandlovebunny's parents were over 80, Moomie. As she said, things change.

Christmas at my parents is a nightmare, it always has been - after years of trying to make my mum relax, doing everything for her, tip toeing around her we finally faced the reality, she does not do Xmas or kids very well. We don't spend much time with her as a family, I go home alone, it suits everyone...yes I wish she was a more devoted GP but it's just not how it is.

same here snowkey

my mum seems to just be able to take or leave my DC at christmas - don't get me wrong, she helps me, she babysits etc but how they piss off at christmas really pisses me off. i dunno. maybe i am just being a big spoilt child :(

so what do you and your DC do at christmas now? we are seriously thinking of booking a holiday abroad for christmas 2013 and fuck everyone else lol :o

I would say don't bother next year. perhaps invite everyone to you, PILs and your family. Whoever wants to come along can (see if you can get details of B&Bs etc) so you don't have to do all that travelling if you've got to work. If your parents have a week off, it's easier for them to travel, or they could just go for a couple of days to your Uncle's farm then come to you. (or the otherway round)

things change, and remember, this was only a 1 generation tradition, your parents didn't do that as children, they had their own traditions and then when your Dad and Uncle grew up and your Uncle started running a farm they decided to do this at Christmas, your mum and your Aunt will have also had different family traditions. (I think I've got this right that your Dad and Uncle are brothers, sorry if I'm wrong.) Baring in mind, if I've got this right and it's the Dad and Uncle who are related, that means your mum and your Aunt never saw their families over the Christmas period. They only ever saw one side, so it could be your mum doesn't bother about if she sees your DCs or not over Christmas because her family didn't bother about seeing you over Christmas as a child.

Snowkey and Moomie :-(

My family are exactly the same, sometimes it's better when you have DC just to have Christmas on your own. Both my parents and inlaws are not exactly what you'd call doting grandparents.

aww paris

same with mine. as you have seen. on DH's side they are not that interested either. we had to practically invite ourselves on christmas day just cos dh wanted to see his mum, and for his mum to see DD. but they were just "not going to bother doing anything for xmas" i think DH felt a bit gutted about it. and there are also other problems with them, as they don't seem to want anything to do with my older DS (he is from a previous marriage) but that is a whole other discussion tbh

thing is, i get so bored being stuck in the house, i would rather have gone to inlaws than be in the house!

so what do people do that just have xmas with their dc and don't see parents, relatives etc. i want ideas for next year!!

oh that would be lovely, just us...

anyway - you could invite them, including the time between Christmas and new year (think that if your dad and your uncle didn't get on this year, getting in early and suggesting they only do a few days at your uncles might be an idea!)

But otherwise, what about making your own traditions, doing Christmas slowly, getting board games to play with the DCs in the afternoon. Any friends hosting Christmas/also staying near by, invite them over for Christmas tea if you want a crowd? (just do a buffet)

Boxing day, make it a tradition to go for a walk in some woods near you, either take a picnic or make your walk end at a nice pub (you might need to book a table)

This is what I would do if I didn't have to do Christmas with one set, boxing day with the other.... If your PIL didn't want to 'do' christmas, could you sell it to them that they could come to you and not have to do Christmas at all as you'd do it? If they don't take you up on it, sounds like they aren't much fun anyway....

Also, if your DCs are old enough, the money you would spent on travelling, book pantos, ice skating etc for that middle week.

Plus a lot of people only see family on christmas day and boxing day, the rest of the week you might find your DCs friends' parents are looking for things to do too, so holding "between christmas afternoon drinks and playdate for the kids" would be very popular (we had a birthday party for DS on Friday - Christmas baby - we got a full house, those who only see family christmas &Boxing day were bored by then!)

You're definitely not the only one who dreams about clearing off somewhere well out of reach of the extended family for the duration! Preferably hot sunny and far enough to pretend there's no phone signal.

Promise yourself that next christmas you will spend it at home with your family.

Just try it. Imagine, no schlepping to the end of the earth, no pretentious meal, no sniping, no tense atmosphere.

If anyone says anything say that you have decided to have a change. You don't owe anyone any explanation. You are an adult.