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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to make her a dress?

49 replies

StackOverflow · 27/12/2012 21:06

I sew as a hobby. It's something I'm really quite good at by now and I really enjoy stuff like couture techniques and luxury fabrics.

DH's aunt, who lives overseas, has been pestering me to make her a dress for quite a while now. We recently learned that her son (DH's cousin) is getting married in summer. Yesterday night, DH's aunt phoned DH again and asked him(!) if I would make her a dress for the wedding. DH, being a bit of a wimp when it comes to saying no, naturally promised her I would.

The thing is: I really do not want to! I sew for myself. It's what I do to counterbalance my very intellectually demanding job. I love the feel of fabrics between my fingers. I love how a perfect fit and the right choice of materials and techniques make even a simple cut look like a million dollar piece. I love spending hours finishing hems by hand and sewing individual beads to a neckline. But I love it because there is no pressure, no deadline to meet and noone to tell me that this does not go with that and shouldn't the neckline go a little higher.

I'm absolutely not into the idea of spending hours and hours on something which needs to be finished in time and probably won't fit in the end (seeing as she is not going to be around to try it on). It's not fun.

I'm also not into the style DH's aunt prefers. And I'm especially not into the idea that people guilt trip DH into promising stuff realising full well that I've successfully wiggled my way out of it on several occasions.

DH says he's sorry that he let himself be manipulated into this. However, he also thinks that now that he's promised I should make her a dress.

AIBU to make him call her and tell her my spare time is not available first-come-first-served?

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 27/12/2012 21:57

YY you have to post magics reply :o

MrsDeVere · 27/12/2012 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 27/12/2012 22:03

Wow she's rude! Love Magic's reply.

RudolphiaRedNose · 27/12/2012 22:04

Fecking outrageous!

I like the cheery/smug FB reply idea, but another option would be to say "You've sussed me out DH's aunt, you clever old thing. I'm not a real woman, and this is why I can't make your dress. I'm a man."

Original poster

StackOverflow · 27/12/2012 22:06

Thanks, Magic, I've just done a copy-paste of that! Perfect mi of naive and passive/aggressive there. I'm loving it!

I guess I'm just getting really fed up with this sort of thing because it's constant at ours. I'm always being asked for cosmetics, handbags, designer shades and all that sort of stuff by DH's relatives.

By now I actually dread visits to PIL (who are really lovely and never ask for anything BTW) because I will inevitably be given some cousin's worn out tacky blouse or a plastic hair clip in the expectation that I'll send them a Gucci watch in return. Or finance a family holiday for 6 people to Dubai (that actually happened!).

It's really wearing me down! DH feels incredibly guilty because he left his country of origin as a young lad and is admittedly living a much more privileged life than most of his family back home. So he tends to give in way too easily.

The truth is that we're not that well off. We're fine. I suppose we qualify as middle class. But we don't buy ourselves all the stuff that they keep on asking for. Because we couldn't possibly afford it.

Gotta love MIL. She only ever asks for hand cream!

OP posts:

gimmecakeandcandy · 27/12/2012 22:08

What a twat she is. Stick to your guns and scrap the expensive gifts too. Keep putting your foot down!

gimmecakeandcandy · 27/12/2012 22:10

Listen I know how that one works - my parents left their country of origin at a young age and some of their relatives expected stuff too. You must put your foot down and not partake in this. If you do, you only have yourself to blame.

No is a complete sentence! Just say no!

MammaTJ · 27/12/2012 22:12

Finance a family holiday in Dubai? Really? I just want a single ticket to the Netherland Antilles (carribbean) much less demanding, will you adopt me as distant shouldn't normally do more than send a Christmas card to family?

Original poster

StackOverflow · 27/12/2012 22:14

I know, gimme, which is why whoever asks for Laura Mercier gets Rimmel from me.

Am I a bad person because this gives me a twisted sense of pleasure?

OP posts:

oldraver · 27/12/2012 22:16

Well when they ask for expensive things I would say "yes, when we can afford it for ourselves" even if it isnt true

Original poster

StackOverflow · 27/12/2012 22:16

... wish DH was half as good as me at this thing, though.

I'm clearly the evil witch at ours. I'm also the one who keeps us from bankruptcy.

OP posts:

Uppermid · 27/12/2012 22:17

Just because someone gives you something doesn't mean you have to give them what they want (or anything at all for that matter!)

Remember this word - no - it's very useful!!

maddening · 27/12/2012 22:18

Dh needs to send her a dress - who makes it is another question - so dh can bat any further discussion. He could get her a dress from a shop and give it to her as a bday and xmas present for next year?

dequoisagitil · 27/12/2012 22:20

Maybe you two should do some relationship counselling? It's crap for him to cast you as the 'bad guy' and the spoilsport - you both should be putting your own family unit first, then including benefits to extended family where you can.

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats · 27/12/2012 22:39

You could always reply that you are "putting her first" by not agreeing to mske a dress which couldn't be fitted: imagine how embarrassed she would be, esp. having spent all that money on material and then having to budget for a new dress" (you might want to keep the last bit to yourself, as it is rude, though no more rudeness than she deserves, the pushy so-and-so)

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats · 27/12/2012 22:43

Oops, xposts!

Original poster

StackOverflow · 27/12/2012 22:46

It's crap for him to cast you as the 'bad guy' and the spoilsport.

To be fair, he doesn't, really. I sort of wish he would, though.

When DH finances something he usually says that it's from 'us'. I'd quite like for him to say that I thought he was being ridiculous so he decided to use his personal savings account to pay for whatever it is this time (which is what usually happens, followed by him being amazed at how much more savings I have a few months later).

Maybe if people realised I'm not that generous they'd bloody stop asking!

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 27/12/2012 22:52

OK - but doesn't that illustrate the vast difference in your approaches?

You NEED to be on the same page.

Him pretending you are, when you're not and resent him for pretending you are, is only going to lead to more dissent.

MagicHouse · 28/12/2012 08:47

Sounds like a nightmare. Maybe you need to be open about how much it bothers you when people ask you for expensive gifts. It might cause a bit of upset, but maybe would stop it happening. Glad you like the FB post! Did she reply??!

RobotLover68 · 28/12/2012 09:22

Going back to the original post - you've made the right decision. I'm good enough at dressmaking to earn a living at it if I wanted to but I don't

I made 3 adult bridesmaid dresses for my sister but at the time I was single, no DC, living at home and I could afford to give the time - I enjoyed doing it because it was on my terms. YANBU to turn this woman down - well done OP

Whocansay · 28/12/2012 09:39

I am completely at the greed of your dh's family! I think you've handled it beautifully, but would also add to your fb comment that 2013 will be a year of austerity and you will not be exchanging gifts this year...

£500 of MAC make up?!!
Tickets to Dubai?!!

2rebecca · 28/12/2012 10:51

If my husband "agreed " for me to make a dress for someone then I would be telling him to phone that person and apologise for him mistaking his wife for his servant and tell them that I don't have the time to make clothes for other people.
This is only an aunt who sounds quite entitled so I'd have had no difficulty at all in saying no to this and suggesting to the husband that if he feels his aunt should have a home made dress because he said she could have one then he can make it himself.
I would make it clear to your husband in future that his stock response to requests like this should be "I doubt it but I'll ask x"
I'd also stop being facebook friends with her as she clearly isn't your friend. Why do so many people have people they dislike as facebook friends? I only have my husband's relatives that I actually like as friends.

CecilyP · 28/12/2012 13:04

Love magic's reply. Really, what a cheek that woman has! You have absolutely made the right decision and communicating it by email was the right way to go about correcting your DH's mistake. Can you imagine the fuss there would have been if you hadn't got it exactly as she wanted or if it didn't fit perfectly.

Now you will have to work on teaching your DH not to be such a wuss in future.

Gryffindor · 28/12/2012 15:51

Wow. The sense of entitlement of these people is incredible. I feel very sorry for your lovely PILs who must be embarrassed by their relatives. £500 on MAC makeup and a holiday to Dubai - wtf?!

Are these generally things that cannot be bought in their home country - therefore ask you to buy and post over for them? But then don't pay!

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