Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think GPs don't need to give DD so many toys?

27 replies

pleasethanks · 27/12/2012 11:37

I really don't want to sound ungrateful, but my 2.3 year old DD got so spoilt this christmas by one set of GPs. When DH and I were buying her presents, we actually didn't get several things for her we liked/wanted as we didn't want her to get too much, knowing she would also get presents from GPs.

She got lots of what I would call 'big' items from them - ball/sandpit, train set, peppa pig massive tent, blackboard etc as well as 'stocking fillers'. We just don't have room for all of this stuff, she already had too many toys as it was. Many of these presents already replicate, to an extent what she has - sandpit and paddling pool, playhouse, whiteboard and enough paper and paints to last a life time. She really didn't need any of them.

How do we broach this tactfully with the GPs? We are not ungrateful at all, but she just has far far too much. We are going to have to stick half her stuff in the loft as it is at the stage she plays with something for 2 mins before running onto the next thing.

AIBU?

OP posts:

happygolucky0 · 27/12/2012 11:42

I quite often had toys stored in the loft for ds when he was young. Like you say them get fed up with them quickly when they are little, so I use to have a change over of toys to help with the interest.
From my experience that is what gp like to do. It is only once or twice a year so I never said anything. I think I did one year, saying that he can not get anything else in his room. They didnt look best pleased so have let them get on with it. It will save you pennies in the long run.

AnyFuleKno · 27/12/2012 11:44

Same problem here, dd's grandparents bought as much for her as we did. Next year I must grow a spine and ask them to rein it in.

I charity shop some of it. Harsh but necessary, as lots of small 'ballast' items that won't get played with. Other bits get put away for rainy day/later in year.

newtonupontheheath · 27/12/2012 11:47

Put them away until they are older or can appreciate them. I did this when we returned from the in-laws yesterday.

DH and I have given well thought out presents. Ds played all day with a doctors set (£3) and a second hand fisher price dolls house that was my sisters. He got lots of other things that were largely untouched on Christmas Day. I've stashed them all as I'm on mat leave and it will give us something to do rather than go out in bad weather.

Alternatively, leave some at their house for when you visit. I have left a noisy "gun" some action figures and a guitar at the ILs. Ds is 2 and I'm a bit at him playing with cheap plastic tat them

Original poster

pleasethanks · 27/12/2012 11:47

I really am grateful, and I suppose I would feel less hesitant about it if they hadn't bought things that doubled up on what she already has - and they know this, they are here often. They also buy her loads throughout the year - just random things like a giant zoo set they picked up at a jumble sale. I feel these sort of things shouldn't be given just randomly. But anyway, I digress.

I may pass them back some of the jumbe sale items they have previously given to her and ask them to keep them at their house to play with as we already have too much here. Is that reasonable?

OP posts:

turkeyboots · 27/12/2012 11:49

Our parents do this. I've diverted mine into buying swimming lessons etc, which I really appreciate. But we screwed up with DH as they interpreted it as not wanting them to spend much.

So then we got bag loads of gifts from pound shop, which quickly break. So left with hill of broken gifts and tearful DC. This year we tried limiting them to one gift per child. They got 6 each in the end, which is better than last years 20.

DHs family are all about volume of gifts, not quality. So slowly learning to deal with and encourage DC to pass unwanted toys on.

BeyondStuffedWithXmassyGoodies · 27/12/2012 11:50

Lets just imagine for a second that you have a 2.3 year old and an 8m old... Same sex, lots of potential for duplicates...

And GPs are both divorced and remarried...

And GGPs are still alive and kicking...

And both you and your DP have a few siblings, as do the GPs...

And on one side of the family, your DCs are the first and only so far GCs...

TantrumsandBananas · 27/12/2012 11:50

Like happy says, its what they LIKE to do. My DD's GP's are exactly the same.

I tried the same, and just got blank faces - I have accepted it now, and why not! Let em get on with it. Also I wonder if its partly because they can now afford to buy these things, as opposed when I was little they couldn't.

My DD goes to stay with them and never comes home without new clothes, toys. I just accept it now. It takes us 24 hours to get her down from her spoilt princess mode, but so what? Its part of her life and ours.

I feel that she is very lucky to have them in her life to do this, I never had Grandparents who cared.

Merry Christmas!

HollyBerryBush · 27/12/2012 11:52

Grandparents are for indulging!

My ex-Cm was 'santa' - she bought all the GCs presents and the parents were under instruction to not buy a thing >whistful<

If you know the the GPs are going to over do it- why are you buying presents? you only do it because you feel you have to. Stick the money in the bank for your child. At her age she won't know any different.

Thumbwitch · 27/12/2012 11:53

If she sees them regularly I think it's fine to ask the GPs to keep some of the stuff at their house for her use there.

I used to have problems like this with my MIL (the only GP I have to deal with in this way) until the time she randomly brought over a bike for DS - the first one he was going to own - and it was a cheapy job from Aldi! I was so cross because a) it's a BIG present, a bike; b) I had thought we'd be getting him his first one at the following birthday/Christmas; c) it was naff and not a really cool Toy Story or something he liked style; and d) I'd bought him a balance bike a couple of months before for Christmas and he refused to use it after getting this other one that had stabilisers. But mostly a) - you don't give big presents like that randomly in the middle of the year!!

Since then she has always checked what he needs or told me what she's thinking of getting him - far better, then everyone's happy and DS doesn't get replicas.

newtonupontheheath · 27/12/2012 11:56

I tried getting DH to say something about enough toys so clothes or money for clothes/to do something like swimming lessons ...
So we ended up with
The plastic tat
A cheque for swimming lessons
Loads of clothes (reduced in sale and 2/3 years too big!)
It's not that I'm not grateful, I'm glad they care enough I am resigned to not saying much, apart from thank you, making a clothes pile just for nursery and not feeling guilty for charity shopping the excess.

Original poster

pleasethanks · 27/12/2012 11:56

Holly DD is my daughter, we shouldn't have to NOT buy presents for our DD because one set of GPs totally over indulge. We already reined in what we were buying her because we thought they would over do it and she already has enough stuff. I have noted that she has played more with the bits we got her, than what they got her. Perhaps we put more thought into it, rather than just staking up items for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasethanks · 27/12/2012 11:58

newtown hahahaha, MIL does that with the clothes too. Stuff that is far too big, colours that DD doesn't suit, but they were going cheap in the sales so she buys them and stockpiles them for christmas....

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 27/12/2012 11:59

DD is my daughter, we shouldn't have to NOT buy presents for our DD because one set of GPs totally over indulge

True - but you are buying because you think you have to. I really have never seen the point of ridiculous over indulgence for small children who hhaven't a scoobie whats going on. Pointless, wasteful, financially burdensome and dare I sound like a right killjoy, buying into consumerism.

Original poster

pleasethanks · 27/12/2012 12:01

holly I am not buying because I think I have to. I am buying because I want to buy her some presents so she wakes up to a stocking from santa on christmas morning. We certainly did not go over the top for DD.

OP posts:

newtonupontheheath · 27/12/2012 12:12

please A moral victory then, I'd say

The clothes from last year are coming in handy now we're potty training. And there will soon be 3 boys of similar ages (3,2 and one due in Jan) so I've suggested leaving some of the bigger clothes there as a stockpile in case of accidents. Think SIL was happy about this too

StarfishEnterprise · 27/12/2012 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggNogRules · 27/12/2012 12:54

OVER indulgence is as bad as neglect. Both sets of GPs buy way too much and imo this is to make up for not seeing their GS. After 6 years I am not in the least bit grateful. Clothes they are always a year or more too small.

He doesn't play with the glut of toys he has and has little interest in more stuff. HE would rather they visit/pick him up from school/ attend a play/ swimming lesson/take him the park. It upsets me so much that he asks for their time and gets presents in return.

NUFC69 · 27/12/2012 14:18

I have a GS who is 22 months old and a GD who is 6 months old - and this year we gave each family a nice cheque, but also had a small santa sack for them when they came here. We look after DGS once a week and most of the things I gave him have stayed here - they will join the myriad of things we kept up in the loft when our children gew up. I must admit I do have to rein myself in at Christmas and birthdays, although I don't really buy things at other times. And I definitely agree with the comment of a PP that we didn't have the money when our children were young so they were never ever spoiled. I think I would gently try to point the GPs in the direction you want them to go.

I find grandparenting quite difficult as I only had one GF who lived at the other end of the country, and also my DM had died before I had my first child so I have no example to follow.

Pandemoniaa · 27/12/2012 15:51

When it comes to buying presents for dgd (whose birthday is only 8 days after Christmas) I take my lead from ds2 and ddil. So while I have ideas, I check out the suitability of them before getting the presents. Only I remember the years of dealing with my ex-PILS who would ask me for ideas for presents for ds1 & 2 and then go onto ignore any suggestions or worse, buy them exactly the same presents as we had. Which never came across as an accident somehow...

BerthaTheMangerBurglar · 27/12/2012 16:33

Why are you grateful? What have they done that inspires gratitude?

I think the key thing to get straight in your head is that they're buying for their own pleasure, not your dd's, and not for your benefit either. They know they've bought duplicates, they know she has more than she can play with, they know you don't have room. But they do it anyway because it pleases them.

Which is fine, you presumably like them to be happy. But you don't have to feel grateful, or feel obliged to keep all the stuff, or feel guilty about giving it away. Let dd play with it, and then get rid of whatever is surplus.

If the gps notice and ask, be honest. "We had two, I gave one away". "She didn't play with it, I gave it away". "It broke, I threw it away". Nothing wrong with that at all.

ImAlpharius · 27/12/2012 16:40

If you have two sandpits/pools/whiteboards and dd spends alot of time at GP's house maybe it would make sense for some of the stuff to live there cluttering up their house!

EggNogRules · 27/12/2012 16:52

I agree with Bertha. The plethera of presents is not about pleasing the DGC or pissing off the parents. However, I do think that knowing what a problem this causes AND continuing to buy in extreme excess is selfish and mean.

I am happy for gps to get DS gifts he really wants, even if it is his main present. Duplicating what we have bought or buying four sacks of presents that are really similar to what they have already bought ad nauseum is about their issues. They won't keep toys at their house and it is wrong that they go to waste. One in; one out.

Befevered · 27/12/2012 23:40

Not being unreasonable at all......but this year is done. Don't dwell on it.

This year I gave my 3yr old niece a little floral print cotton drawstring bag and semi-filled it with hair ribbons, hair bands, go-go's, a hairbrush with her name on it, hair clips, sunglasses, some necklaces, a "tiara", a few bracelets, kids lip balm and pretty much anything else you see in the likes of Claire's Accessories. I am her godmother so quite frankly think it's my right to spoil her but I knew Santa was bringing 1 BIG present and her parents another, as well as a lot of smaller things, so I wasn't going to risk stealing their thunder by throwing another BIG present into the mix.

My sis and BIL were thrilled I didn't bring anything that made noise or required batteries or was going to overshadow Santa or them, as this was her 1st Christmas where she really understood Santa.

Unfortunately despite the fact I intentionally went low-tech and relatively low-cost (bag included it came to maybe£40), it was what she played with for 4 hours solid on Christmas Day strutting around the house like hybrid of Liza Minnelli and a Vegas showgirl.

Moral of the long winded story? You can't predict what they will go for. At that age she won't care if something cost £10 or £100. I can understand how it might be settling a poor precedent though so no, I don't think you're being unreasonable but to avoid any more unspoken resentments, maybe set it out very clear next year. Maybe ask everyone to stick to a price limit. This year is done and there's no point dwelling on it though. Just remember how happy I'm sure they looked when they saw her playing with their gifts.

wendybird77 · 27/12/2012 23:59

You have my sympathies. I decided long ago that I won't be beholden to it though - if I don't like it (mine are still little so I get a vote), they don't need it or it doesn't get play it goes. I have lots of friends who are the grateful recipients of the excess and the rest goes to charity shop where someone can get some use out of it. It brings MIL pleasure to buy for my kids, but she doesn't live anywhere near and I don't have to make my life a misery trying to keep it all organised and tidy.

Purple2012 · 28/12/2012 00:38

Have you thought about keeping some of the duplicates in their original packaging and contacting a local charity like a children's hospital or women's refuge? They would be so grateful for gifts they can wrap for kids that, maybe if in a refuge have had to leave everything behind.

Flip

1 2