Not to want to see my sister any more

[RooneyMara]

I've been feeling really unhappy about this since Sunday when it happened.

Saturday was great - we went to my folks' house and my sister and SIL were there. All had a nice time, lots of laughter and so on, my children enjoyed it, so did I.

they said they would like to call in before leaving for SIL's family, the next day. I said great.

Didn't hear anything the next day. It got to 2-3pm and I texted to say, do call in if you have time. We had been waiting.

Sister texted back that they had already left but were coming back for various reasons after a 'trauma' and would be here soon.

They arrived, we had a bit of fun and then sister started on at me about my life. She took it to pieces (has done this before), criticised my attitude to everything, had a go at me about why mum is the way she is, how mum should be interfering more in my life, how I should go and see my grandmother who hates me, how awful it was that I had decided to put my own life on hold to have children (she has none - I know she wanted to have a family but SIL won't agree. I don't know how much this has a bearing)
And she was just so horrible. I didn't criticise her at all, just tried to defend myself, but it got to the point where I could tell we both felt like giving up, and somehow we tried to redeem it while sil played with my children. They still noticed we were arguing.

By the end we had kind of got back to a safe place iykwim - and everyone had a hug and was friendly. But I felt gutted.

Turns out the 'trauma' had been that she had walked out of the restaurant they went to for lunch with my parents. She had basically had a massive strop at all of us, and then went back to our folks for the night, cheerful as anything apparently, while I was miserable and upset, having been told how shit my life is and how wrong I am getting everything.

HOW does she get away with behaving like a hormonal 11yo, and everyonestands by and lets her do it?
Please can anyone tell me that I'm right, and it's none of her business - especially when she brings up things like, I should have had an abortion whenI had the chance (I am now 38 weeks - thanks for that) and how she cried for several hours when I told her I was pg (I was happy about it at the time)

She's jealous. She wants a baby. I'd cut her off if it was me.

She's so jealous and a right bitch to say those things to you. I would keep her at a distance for a while or she may continue with nasty comment after nasty comment when baby is born.

Do you reckon that's it?

I did wonder
She was an au pair with a family for about 10 years once and brought up their three children, and was great at it...and then met and married her partner, who is lovely. But she has told me how unhappy she is about not being 'allowed' to have babies and having to choose the relationship.

It just seems odd for her to admit that to me, and then, to turn on me like this as though it's nothing to do with jealousy - she seems just so angry that I'm 'wasting my life' and why aren't I more like her, why isn't our entire family more like her (well, people are different - I have enough of a brain to make choices for myself)

I just wanted to shout, leave me alone, it's not your life! It's mine! But I didn't.

Fwiw she is very good with my older children and has given me things as presents for the new baby when it arrives.

It's kind of like Jekyll and Hyde. But then she says she wants their lives to be better and thinks she can help with that. Which I appreciate, but she annot seem to cope with, or understand, my choice to be a mother, and to 'put your own needs on hold for the next twenty years' - like it even affects her? I mean, in certain respects, that's what being a parent means, isn't it?

I think the sounds bitter and jealous. I would just pity her from a distance.

The abortion comment is disgusting.

Rooney, I understand your situation as it is one I have with my (D)Sis.

That feeling of "I just wanted to shout, leave me alone, it's not your life! It's mine! But I didn't." - I feel that. It's horrible because no matter how prepared you are you never get the chance to say it. My Sis never fails to launch at me to tell him where I have gone wrong/am going wrong/will go wrong. She tells me how I have failed her as a sister and will break off contact whenever she feels like it - to then complain to our DMum that "I never contact her" ... well, er, no. And that "we got back to a safe place" statement - I know that one too - because we do everything we can to get back to that safe place ... understand it is you who is driving that reconciliation and, by doing so, giving her permission to do it again.

These people are jealous and unhappy. They seem things in other people's lives that they don't have and rather than feel happy for those others they feel jealous. They want without the motivation to do what it takes to get there (which is ironic because my sis is driven in other areas of her life). She just won't make the effort with people -it has always been about her and will remain so.

I once read the term "emotional vampire" about people like these, and it sums them up to a 'T'. They take, they don't invest. They are jealous, manipulative and will happily emotionally blackmail you.

I love my sister, I really do, but I have come to the understanding that she is not good for me. I am therefore, in the first stages of distancing myself emotionally from her. It is just too hard to keep going through the upheaval.

You need space and distance. Back away and lead your own life and don't expect anything from her (in a emotional, sisterly way).

I am in counselling because of the emotional battering I have taken from, amongst others, my sister. One thing I have learnt is that I have taken a role that enables these toxic people to continue in their treatment of me. Take charge and, with small steps, take control of your life. It is yours and you sound like you are doing a great job. You have people who love you and support you - spend time with them. You don't need to shout at her but you do need to make it clear you won't stand for it anymore

Try this: if you had a friend and she was being treated like this by her sister ... what advice would you give her?

Good luck. Merry Christmas x

Thankyou all so much. I was scared when I posted that someone, or everyone would say don't be so silly - she is right, she cares about you. Because that's what she always says - 'I am involved with your children, with you, and I can't just stand back and let you do such stupid things!' etc.

She seems to perceive my decisions as having to be taken with her feelings in mind, even if they do not impact on her or her life.

I think she is jealous that I am so close with our mother, with both our parents, while she cannot stand to be around 'us' or them for very long. I think she genuinely feels this way and genuinely struggles to cope with how she sees us leading our (very happy, really) lives.

Just because we don't like to travel, to uproot, to visit people non stop and have parties and go out - she really despairs.
I don't think she means to be malicious. It's just sometimes her filters stop working, and she lets rip and it's very hurtful.

Rogue, I am so sorry you are going through something similar. It's awful isn't it. And I'm glad you understand about the safe place thing and all that, too - I thought for a moment, at the time, I want her to leave. I will not listen to this.
And then I realised how awful that would be for my children, for SIL who is great, and what a big scene it would cause - and I thought, right, we sort this out.
We agreed to disagree about some of it but still - no, I won't let her get away with it again. She does it periodically - last time was maybe 8 months ago, I was kind and apologised for upsetting her so much when I'd done nothing wrong.
Then before that just every so often - and 4 years ago was a major one, when I actually replied to an email telling her to f*ck off, because I couldn't take it. She didn't speak to me for about 2 years, which was my fault apparently.

Therapy sounds good... and you sound like you are doing really well on it.
I have had CBT in the past but not about this. Maybe it is time to have some more. In the meantime I'm going to keep contact to a minimum, and if it comes up I will be clear that she was really out of order imo, and I don't feel comfortable talking to her at the moment.

It won't make her change but it will make me feel more in control.
Thankyou so much for the support. I feel a bit empowered already.

Is yours an elder sister btw? I think mine has a compulsion about being in charge - she says she feels responsible for me? I don't understand that at all.

Rooney, yes mine is an older sister.

So much of what you say about your sister and her reactions to you, her patterns etc are so familiar. The 'I only mean the best for you', 'I don't want to upset you but ...' etc etc etc - it's all so so familiar.

Like you I have a very good relationship with our parents and she doesn't. She gets on better with our Mum than our Dad (who she went 2+ years without speaking to) but her relationships always revert to upset and arguments. All these things are always someone else's fault, never her's. We get the "No body loves me, you all love her (me) more" - it's emotional blackmail. I have spent our entire relationship (45 years) apologising for things that aren't my fault (and some that are!!) and tip-toeing around her for fear of upsetting her - it's shocking and appalling at the same time when I think how much abuse I have taken from her.

The things I try to keep in mind is that she is coming from a place of negativity, she is jealous of the fact that I have (in her mind) made a success of things ... she doesn't see the sacrifices, hardships, hardwork or sheer bloodymindedness that both DH and I have had to go through. The fact that I have a DH, a DS, a house, friendships all confirm to her that I have 'given up' on 'me' to become a wife, mother, friend. She does not see that these things are worthwhile and are a conscious decision. I want to be a wife, I want to be a mother - these things give me joy. She will never understand that.

We have spent time not speaking - on two occasions of 6+ months each. The last period of non-contact was actually quite happy for me. I stopped worrying that she would have something negative to say because she wasn't saying anything at all.

I agree that mine, like yours, feels a compulsion to be in charge. However, I think you are being too charitable in saying that she "feels responsible" for you. She is seeking to control you. She wants to dictate what you do, when you do it. She likes your DC but criticises you!! What's that about - not acceptable at all. Mine told me "I have waited til (my) DS was old enough to go out with me on his own. I don't want you there and he can decide now" (He's 12 so, no, he can't decide when, actually).

Our parents came over to me yesterday for Boxing Day, she didn't come. But she told them she doesn't understand why I don't contact her, why I don't engage with her!!! I was surprised to say the least - I explained that I wasn't going to enable her to abuse me anymore, that I was happy to see her/speak to her if she was calm but that I wasn't going to let her get close enough to hurt me. She seriously doesn't see how her behaviour is unacceptable.

I have to work at this every day. It is incredibly hurtful and soul destroying. I can't say I have the answers and I can only refuse to descend to her level of behaviour. I reject her way of behaving, her attempts to make me respond in anger.

I would create some distance, get help for yourself in whatever way is best for you (CBT/counselling) and, when she does confront you about contact (and she will) say what you need to say (or not if you don't want to at that time) calmly and concisely. My therapist said that one of the best things you can say is "I don't feel comfortable talking about this at this time" - how can they respond without having to acknowledge that those are your feelings. To override them would show her to be completely without understanding for you or anyone else.

Baby steps Rooney, baby steps. x

She's unhappy and jealous, has just spent Christmas seeing you happy with your children. It would be cruel to stop seeing her altogether. She may well really value her relationship with your children. Maybe just explain you don't want her to criticise you like that, but continue with the relationship. She is your sister, after all.

She sounds horrible but I did wonder one thing: do your parents favour you over her? If so that's probably the real issue...

Stop giving her rants/outbursts any energy, if she starts, leave immediately without responding to any of provocative behaviour,if she is at your house, the moment she starts ask her to leave, If she in any way makes you feel uncomfortable, before you lose your calm, end the contact, draw the line at anything that is not perfectly calm, civilised or polite, it's not healthy to entertain her deluded ideas.

You have to prioritise your children, and also demonstrate what is acceptable behaviour, her behaviour is unacceptable, zero tolerance, these are her issues, and she is making them yours.

Your sister is extremely unhappy, the only person who is responsible for her happiness is herself, she needs to take charge of her own situation, she will never do this while she is projecting on to you, the best way for you to help her is by not allowing that to happen.

one of my sisters did this to another sister and myself for years, we withdrew, every time she did it, eventually she realised if she kept attacking, we removed ourselves from contact, it's taken her years, but she no longer ever projects on to us, and we have a good relationships now, but you have to consistently remove yourself if they project on to you. your parents can choose what ever way they wish to deal with her, but if you demonstrate another way, they might catch on, you will be doing her a huge favour in the long run.

She sounds utterly jealous of your life, and defensive of her own choices (which aren't really choices, as she would love children). But that doesn't mean you have to be her verbal or emotional punch-bag. Next time she starts, say 'I don't want to talk about this, I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I criticized your life' and repeat as necessary.

Thankyou all for the very thoughtful posts - all of which are very helpful.

Just a quick response to a couple of things which jumped out at me, I have just got back from MW appt and have to make lunch but will check in again later!

Dromedary - yes, she does really value seeing the boys and I really value her contact with them. She is able to offer them certain things (wmotionally, physically) that I find hard, and normally we manage Ok just having a day's contact here and there - a day out in London, or a night camping or something. They love her, so do I - I don't want them to lose this, or her to, I just need to find a way to stop her attacking me. Especially if they are in the same room.

Jess - no. They don't favour me - if anything, my mum puts her on a pedestal and always has done, to the point that mum is nervous of dsis, finds it hard to talk to her like a pal (like we do - though we still have separate issues, me and mum I mean, that dsis wouldn't be aware of so maybe it looks that way)
but she totally idolises her and looks up to her.
I always felt mum didn't like me as much, she was far more critical, I felt ugly, not very liked iykwim? But now we are able to be close as adults and talk about nearly anything. I feel lucky tbh - maybe dsis really would prefer that too.

Dad just does what mum says and keeps out of it
They help us both out - we live near them, if I need emergency childcare like for an appointment, Mum often helps out but this isn't a frequent thing. We see them for an hour or two every week - just for the kids really.

dsis lives further away, they support her financially sometimes, they have also done this with me/us in the past, and now I don't accept money from them, as they have done enough, but am happy for sister to.

She has been like this since we were teenagers though, always frustrated with us as a family, trying to find her own way, to escape...I feel really sorry for her to be in that position emotionally.

Well that was no way a short post, sorry I will come back later though.
Thanks again x

Mumsy that is a good response, I don't know why I didn't think of it at the time.

The old broken record trick is excellent for family who you want to behave well, but just can't see or won't see the boundaries. Find your phrase, then when they start up, just repeat, they will carry on, then repeat. You can always walk away/put the phone down very calmly if they persist!

It sounds like your sister has a lot to offer your family but her own issues and jealousy are driving things, she is 'being honest' with you as a way of dealing with her own problems and stress. But you do not have to put up with it, and I think this is the year in which you might have to start standing up for yourself. Be very calm and repetitive, it will really help you to not get upset or defend yourself as well.

It sounds as though you come from a toxic family, and you are being used as the scapegoat whilst your sis gets away with everything!

I would distance myself away from her for now as she does nothing but critisise you as her life didn't go to plan, which isn't your problem op.