to punish dd2 like this?

[Melpomene]

DD2 (7) has a problem with hitting, scratching and pinching DD1 (9) when they are squabbling. This has been happening repeatedly despite punishments such as removal of treats, discussions about her behaviour and so on.

Last night dd2 slapped dd1, leaving a large red mark on dd1's leg. We said that as a punishment she would miss out on having party games with her cousins today.

Context: we are going to be seeing her four cousins at my parents' house today and my mum has organised some games like kim's game, pass the parcel, Xmas bingo for the six children. DD2 helped a little with planning some of the games. One of the games involves working in pairs so that won't be the same for the others if she has to sit it out.

If dd2 doesn't get to join in with the party games she'll still have plenty of time playing with her cousins and two of them are having a sleepover here tonight.

So, it an appropriate punishment for dd2 to miss out on the games?

YANBU. Tell her that as she can't be trusted to play nicely with other children she will have to miss out.

Are you 100% sure dd1 isn't doing anything to her though?

Pretty sure that dd1 isn't doing anything physical to her - when asked why she does it, dd2 generally says it's because dd1 won't share.

DD needs to be punished but usually punishments for that age of child are more effective if they happen straight away- sending to room/ naughty step or toys removed. I am not sure how helpful it will be to ban her from the games today You are likely to have a sulky, cross child to contend with. However she is your child and it is your call. I would tell her she can join in but at the first sign of poor behavior she will be removed.

I am not that fond of punishments that stem over several days, just because no one else sees the bad behaviour and it's all over by the time you actually do something about it- now her cousins will give her attention and the adults may imply you are being a bit mean whereas you are completely right to want to sanction her.

I would go for the: immediate removal from the room to your bedroom if you cannot behave properly, so missing out on dinner/family fun/watching a film for an hour. I would also not underestimate the power of your dd1 to sort this out herself. My dd2 went through a phase of this, and in the end, the thing that stopped it was her bigger sister finally whacking her hard once. She hasn't been so keen to hit since. I certainly didn't encourage her to hit back, but surely one of the risks of hitting/pinching/poking other larger children is that they may retaliate.

We said that as a punishment she would miss out on having party games with her cousins today.

Never offer a punishment you aren't going to see through.

Never offer a punishment where other adults will undermine your decision, call you a kill joy and garner sympathy for the one being punished.

Never offer a punishement that impacts other people (ie your mother and her games)

Unfortunately you are damned which ever way you play it.

All you are going to have this afternoon is a child watching other have fun - thats cruel - You should take her out for a walk whilst that is going on, or take her after it has finished.

She's seven so obviously able to understand action and consequence. YANBU,she needs a good sharp shock to learn that hurting others is not acceptable.

Does she fight with other children?
I remember so well my sister winding me up until I hit out at her at that age. Are you sure this isn't the case here? Siblings are more effective at doing this than any one else because they know which buttons to press and the older one is likely to be better with words than the younger.

I wouldn't make DD2 miss the games, but make it clear that I would be watching her like a hawk and she had better behave.
I would also look a bit more into DD1's behaviour. She might well be provoking her verbally, just knowing that all she has to do is stand back and watch as DD2 gets into trouble.

As other posters have said immediate sanctions tend to work better. But you have said it now so you need to stick to your guns otherwise you are giving mixed messages. It is important she knows the boundaries and knows you will stick to them. Once her punishment is over, explain to her why she was punished and what will happen if she hurts her sister again. I would suggest having the same punishment for each time it happens, should it happen again.

Yabu, not because you are being too harsh on dd but because you have picked a punishment that will be difficult for you to carry out. I agree with other posters that suggest punishments need to be given straight away for bad behaviour and ideally not dragged out over several days.
You need to go through with it now as you have already told her that this is to be the consequence, hollyberrybush has the right idea.

The hitting/slapping/pinching is only directed at her sister; she doesn't behave like this towards her friends (as far as I know) and definitely doesn't behave like that towards her cousins.

I don't think there is any particular provocation coming from dd1 other than the standard childhood squabbles of "that's mine", "give it to me", "you're in the way", etc

I agree with Holly.
Punishment should have been there and then not carried over to the following day.
I really can't see how you will be able to follow through for the whole day especially as you will be surrounded by family members.
But like Little says she's your dd.

Yes, you have to make a punishment 'hurt'. There is no point choosing a punishment that isn't 'mean' or doesn't make them feel left out. If you're going to do that, you may as well say you're going to punish them by feeding them chocolate and sprinkling rose petals in their path. When you discipline a child for unacceptable behaviour, it has to be a sanction! They hurt! They're supposed to!

Yes, it is unacceptable of your daughter to be physically aggressive and you have to make that stop.

BUT.

Watch your eldest daughter. Be observant. Make sure there are no mind games, spitefulness or pettiness going on there.

It is entirely possible for one sibling to wind up the other to the point where they lose it completely and lash out, leaving them looking the bad guy while the one who's been winding them up them puts on the innocent face.

This in no way excuses violence, or suggests that anyone deserves to be scratched, but is just an observation of sibling behaviour and a suggestion of possible cause and effect!

Thanks to all who replied.

We're caught between two opposing principles - On the one hand it's bad to not go through with a punishment that's been suggested. However we do see the point about not wanting the punishment to impact on other people. DD1 wants her sister to be able to join in with the party games with their cousins, also my mum is disabled and housebound and it's quite a big deal for her to have organised the party games for all her grandchildren. She (my mum) started planning it weeks ago.

We have had a talk with dd2 and agreed that she can join in with the party games, but if there is any sign of aggression towards her sister then or during the rest of the day she will be withdrawn from the fun activities. We had a general talk about controlling her temper/walking away if she feels like hitting as well.

We also had a talk with dd1 about making sure she is not provoking her sister - I really don't think dd1 is malicious but she can be stroppy sometimes.

Thanks all.

For DD2 to lash out like that she must be pretty frustrated. (I'm not saying it's acceptable at all, btw).
So I think you do need to see what DD1 is doing. I'll lay odds there is a pretty big element of 'winding-up' going on there, and as it's not obviously aggressive she's getting away with it.