To not keep in touch with my ex-friend's DD?

[jessjessjess]

I recently called time on a friendship with someone who was, or became, bitter, jealous, exhausting and horrible, who always expected me to ring/visit etc and made it abundantly clear she was jealous of me meeting a nice man even though she had seen me leave an abusive relationship. I finally walked away when she went nuts at me in the middle of the street and proceeded to drag her 7yo DD into the argument and make her cry. I can't do it any more.

She has also recently instigated fallouts with her dad, brother and another friend (whose crime was having a baby and therefore paying her less attention).

The thing is I always used to give her DD something for Xmas and her birthday. Part of me feels it's wrong to stop doing so but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be passed on and they're unlikely to give me a forwarding address if they move, which they were planning to.

My honest feeling is that if I do send something it will create drama and I need to have nothing more to do with my ex-friend for my own sanity. So I didnt for xmas. But I feel bad just disappearing out of this little girl's life as I have known her since she was a baby. Though I'm not entirely sure she will notice or care, I will know I've done it iyswim.

I think I've come here hoping IANBU to cut ties but am ready for my flaming, if it should occur. I just don't know what the right thing is here.

No flaming from me.

It does sound like you would be feeding into the drama if you sent a present. I wouldn't, in fact I didn't in a similar situation.

I can't see anything flameworthy in your post

I'm a bit on the fence, it's not fair on the DD if she valued you in her life and now her mum's scuppered that contact with someone she thought a lot of.

But then as you say, it's hard to tell how much impact you have on a child you're not directly involved with all the time, and you don't want to stir things up for her or you by sending something.

Plus it ties you to sending stuff until whenever.

If it's a recent thing I would probably send her a token something so she knows you remembered her, it shows you're not taking it out on the lass and you don't have to respond to any thanks or contact from her mum.

You can see how you feel the next time it comes up and you'd normally send something, a bit of time distance might make it clearer?

Thanks for your replies - I feared I would be flamed for depriving a child of a present because her mother is a nightmare.

But feeding the drama is, I fear, what I would be doing... I think it could actively be seen as an attempt to do so in fact.

I'd leave it then, the DD must know you don't see her mum any more and not be expecting or let down by getting nothing.

I'm sure she'll have more than enough tat toys for Christmas to last her until next Christmas.

I was going to ask whether you feel like a weight has been lifted not having anything to do with her any more, but you kind of sound uneasy, as though you're waiting for her to do something dramatic.

I would also say to step back for now, the little girl probably won't notice, even though it is hard for you.

I'd like to think she won't notice.

"I was going to ask whether you feel like a weight has been lifted not having anything to do with her any more, but you kind of sound uneasy, as though you're waiting for her to do something dramatic."

Interesting question. I was both relieved and upset when this all went down - relieved as her "friendship" had become a source of way too much stress and misery but upset because I was genuinely gutted and very hurt .

I'm not waiting for her to start drama exactly but it feels like I could accidentally step on a landmine if I go near her again iyswim.

Thank you so much for your replies btw.

I didn't mean she won't notice YOU have gone, just that it is Christmas and busy, I think from your response to zigzag that you have absolutely made the right decision though, however hard.

Thanks - I know what you meant. She will have got tat aplenty!