...for not saying anything to MIL

[enjoyinglife]

Spent the last two days with MIL and am exhausted with the effort of biting my tongue constantly. DH is middle child with 6 sibs. FIL died years ago. One of DHs sisters lives at home with MIL.
MIL is selfish and manipulative - playing DH and his sibs off against each other in every way possible. She uses the daughter still at home to remain financially solvent / pay all the bills but belittles her to everyone else. She constantly plays her children off against each other for financial gain or seeking attention. She has clear favourites (those who married into money, dont work, and have the money and time to indulge her) and points out to us all what they do for her and how she "might as well not have had any other children" - without any acknowledgement that everyone else is working full time and struggling to survive and simply don't have the means or free time to pander to her.
She is a hideous house guest - with fussy demands regarding food eg. Only eats 6 specific items from specific shops. She disappears into the toilet for 45 mins at a time - not so much of a problem now but when we used to only have one loo we had to wee behind a bush in the garden if she beat us into the bathroom at waking up time. No amount of begging through the door would shift her.
I could go on and on but essentially spending time with her is painful- watching her demand priority meals, seating and consideration without any consideration of other peoples needs, while seeing her manipulate her family.

The AIBU is this: I am plain speaking and known for not putting up with nonsense from anyone. However, I have known my MIL for 21 years and have never called her up on her behaviour / demands - nor do any of her own family. I have always figured that it will just call an almighty row and given that she is such s practiced manipulator that it will just make trouble for my own family. So I keep quiet, leave the room if it is really excruciating and keep mine and DCs contact with her to a comfortable minimum. DH is welcome to see her whenever he likes as long as she doesnt screw money out of our family funds.
So is it better to be a wimp and exercise tactful discretion in the face of manipulative / demanding behaviour from in laws or AIBU?

You're not being a wimp, you're simply choosing not to make life difficult for you and your DH.

What I can't get my head around is why you would want to spend Christmas with her?

Surely to god you could have come up with an excuse not to?

No, YANBU to avoid stirring up trouble for the sake of it. She's not going to change, she sounds like she's already unhappy anyway, and the only person who would end up hurt would be your DH who you presumably love.

After putting up with her for 21 years, why now?

I probably wouldn't at this point, you know her game and can see how she's playing everyone else, just make sure she doesn't draw you into anything.

What she says and does with her other children is up to them to deal with.

You sound like you put up with it because it means a lot to your DH, and that's a valid reason for not getting involved. But when you say 'as long as she doesnt screw money out of our family funds', how likely is it that she's able to manipulate your DH into giving her money?

My post looks as though I hadn't read the title

YANBU to sum it up.

Good point. I can cope with Christmas with her normally - just for the day. The two days was as unforeseen thing - have managed to avoid that for years. I think that is why I am feeling the strain today. Will make sure I avoid it in the future. I think if she came for 3 days I would crack up and let her have it.

I'm just reading a thread in AIBU about the PIL staying a week/ten days!

You think yourself lucky my girl

Sorry last reply was for worra.
Thanks for replies. She doesnt usually get money out of DH but it is not for lack of trying. When she has managed in the past she has done it by asking him to buy something for her that she can't carry / is too tight to pay delivery on and then she only gives him half the money he has spent buying it.
He is wise to her tricks and it is not often that she manages it with us these days. She is wary of me after I gave her money to visit her dying cousin and get a hotel / taxis to and from the hospital during the terminal phase. She just popped in to the hospital, said a quick good bye and went shopping with my money. I think she realised I was not happy when she popped by the the shopping bags under her arm to say thanks!

So a sense of entitlement the size of Texas, and she's not afraid to use it to her own advantage?

The things you're saying she's done are just sly and downright dishonest.

Could she be equating how much cash she can con out of her family on some kind of 'how much this person loves me' scale? And takes great pride in her cunning ability to get sumit for nowt?

It's good she backed off when she took you for a ride though, that means there's a bit of hope that social niceties mean something to her and she's not just wildly abandoned all reasoning.

I bet she's loaded

Haha there would be bloodshed before 10days. We only cope by having strict boundaries - including length of MIL exposure.

Agent I don't think she has any shame nor worries about social niceties - she genuinely feels entitled - she is almost child- like in her view of what she is entitled to.
I think she was afraid of the glint in my eye and remains a little scared of ripping me off directly now. Thank goodness.

I'm pretty sure she is not loaded but perhaps one day we will find wads of all the cash she has scammed over the years - probably stuffed in her mattress!

She sounds a lot like my nan, actually. She used to play my mum and her 6 brothers off against one another and always had to be the centre of attention. The sad thing is fucked each and every one of them up completely. She's been dead 4 years now and they all barely talk to one another now. My mum only speaks to 1 of her brothers and has nothing to do with the others. It's all very sad.

I don't blame you for biting your tongue, sometimes it's not worth the fallout. I did call my nan on her behaviour once after she screamed at my then 4 year old (ASD) dd. The fallout was massive and I stopped speaking to her after that. She's dead now, and my mum gets all misty eyed about how wonderful she was, until I remind her of all the crap she caused.

That's sad Santa. I think DHs sibs are generally wise to her tricks but it is still damaging to them. It only occasionally blows up into a family argument between them but some have self esteem issues which I think are related to not being able to deal with the demands and direct comparisons which are drawn all the time.