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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think fatherin law is a selfish so and so

46 replies

bluer · 26/12/2012 23:01

We're staying at their house for a week. I'm seven Weeks pregnant and my father in law has been told not to smoke his stinky pipe around me. Unfortunately he seems to take this to mean in the same room and had been smoking on the kitchen. Now that i've retreated to bed he is merrily smoking away ( chain smoking,)0 in the living room and I can totally smell it. I have super sense of smell at the moment but even at that I think its strong. I know its his house and its freezing outside but I'm pissed off that he has such little sensitivity. Am I being unseasonable? Tempted to tell dh we're going home but he only sees his folks a few times a year. Its six hours from home so I can't go myself.

OP posts:

orangerex · 27/12/2012 01:37

This does not bode well for the future (thinking about disgusting pipe smoker near a small baby). Get DH on your side and go home tomorrow. Your health and your baby's health should be your DH's priorities. No doubt FIL will be offended but if he wants to see his grandchild he will have to get over it and change his ways. better to have the argument and upset now than after bqaby is born.

CatchingMockingbirds · 27/12/2012 01:41

I'm pregnant and detest the smell of smoke at the moment, and am anti-smoking normally, but I still think yabu sorry.

misterwife · 27/12/2012 01:47

I think the instruction must have been badly worded in the first instance, as he clearly hasn't interpreted it correctly. Whether or not this makes him a selfish twat is debatable.

Personally I don't think anyone's being unreasonable here. He's not smoking in the same room as you, and you've every right to be concerned about your baby being affected by the fug.

Have you tried discussing it with him directly? It sounds like no-one has. If you are legitimately ill then you can always claim illness and cut short the stay on that basis.

SomersetONeil · 27/12/2012 02:16

I'm sure it's disgusting but he's compromising (in his own house) and you do sound rather high maintenance...

LoopsInHoops · 27/12/2012 02:19

Yep, sorry, with the others. His house.

ravenAK · 27/12/2012 02:35

Agreed, sorry. It's his house.

MIL, who is not the most houseproud at the best of times, had an elderly, stinky Staffie when I was first pregnant, & the whole house stank - I can't stand the smell of dog anyway, & I'm asthmatic, so visits to MIL & her deardog were always a bit of an ordeal, but jeez, the weekend I spent there with morning sickness was something else.

So I completely sympathise, but don't think you can really tell him not to smoke in a separate room, any more than I could've demanded that MIL kick her stinky but much-loved doggie out for my comfort. In neither case would it make all that much difference anyway - the smell will be ingrained!

Get some olbas oil or similar for pillow tomorrow? I found that helped a bit.

WhatWouldSantaDo · 27/12/2012 03:05

Yanbu. I'd leave. How's it going to be when the baby arrives?

expatinscotland · 27/12/2012 03:53

YABU.

Morloth · 27/12/2012 06:18

It is his house.

You need to leave if you can't handle it.

Obviously he would rather smoke than have you there, that isn't very nice, but, it is his house and he can do what he likes there.

A bit of vicks vapour rub under the nose got me through the early weeks of pregnancy and London busses. Can't smell anything after a while...

MadameCastafiore · 27/12/2012 06:33

You are only 7 weeks, he is smoking in another room and you knew he was a smoker when you agreed to stay so, sorry IMO, you are being a bit precious. And this is the perfect time to get over it as things will only get worse in terms of things you will be precious about if you are this way at 7 weeks.

Splatt34 · 27/12/2012 07:01

I think it's difficult when your pregnant but you need to start thinking now about how to tackle this when baby is here.

my parents both smoke. when DN and then DD were born they promised to only smoke outside or we wouldn't visit. They interpreted this as in the kitchen and often leave the door open and the smell is through the house. 3 year on there have been numerous 'discussions' about it from me and DB. I genuinely don't think they realise how much it stinks, it makes me cough when i go into the kitchen. we just don't visit very often and they know DB and SIL who live in same village don't come to their house because of it. Mum & dad's loss

Chottie · 27/12/2012 07:47

I couldn't bear the smell of smoke either when I was pregnant and a pipe is really stinky. However, there is not a lot you can do, I would be thinking ahead about how to manage the situation when you have a new born and are visiting them.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 27/12/2012 08:02

Why are you telling people you're pregnant so early?

myBOYSareBONKERS · 27/12/2012 08:57

EuphemiaInExcelsis - umm - because she can!! Its her news and so up to her who she tells and when she tells it

CwtchesAndCuddles · 27/12/2012 09:06

"He's been told.........."

Has he been asked, did he agree?

Who made the arrangements?

It does sound like he is making an effort, have you tried talking to him and explaining how ill it makes you feel?

You need to resolve this like mature adults because it could cause a major family fall out. You do sound as though you are being a bit precious.........

skatebauble · 27/12/2012 09:12

Im with worra on this one.
Not pleasant for you but yabu. It is his house and he can do what he wants there.
I suggest leaving early if you can

Original poster

bluer · 27/12/2012 11:04

Well we had to tell as i've been throwing up pretty much every day plus thru needed to know for the smoking etc. he doesn't believe in morning sickness - apparently pregnancy is a natural process so its not like you're ill and should therefore get on with it and not be sick-.that's his opinion. I am not precious...will still eat eggs, do exercise classes etc but the sense of smell is through the roof! We are cutting visit short....dh agrees with me but finds it hard to stand up etc. discussions will be had befor further visits. My bil is smoking too but the normal cigs aren't making me retch the same way for some reason. Thanks all...last night I was being a but unreasonableness suppose but better getting it out here than say ing what I really think!

OP posts:

Narked · 27/12/2012 11:13

Hotel in future. I wouldn't stay in a smoker's house if they smoked inside. It stinks. And that's just cigarettes. Pipe smoke is worse.

Narked · 27/12/2012 11:15

'don't think you can really tell him not to smoke in a separate room, any more than I could've demanded that MIL kick her stinky but much-loved doggie out for my comfort'

Dogs don't cause cancer.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/12/2012 11:28

Yabu it is his house. But by the same token...it's awful that he now knows it's making you feel physically ill,as opposed to you just being a bit precious,and still won't stop.

He's right,pregnancy is a 100% natural process. It's a natural process which can make women very ill indeed. And natural though birth is as well,it's not without risks. He needs to get out of the Stone Age and rejoin everyone else in the 21st century.

Mimulet · 27/12/2012 11:53

I feel sorry for you, have you told your other half? I would cut the stay short if I were you. x

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