to feel SIL has put me in a really awkward situation?

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

We are not terribly close to DH's sis and her family- they live a long way away, and the last couple of times they have come up to see MIL (who lives nearer us, they drive past us practically on the way up) they haven't told us they are up or come to visit I've kind of come the conclusion that they don't really like us very much, for some reason!

Anyway, I have no idea what to get their dc. I usually send vouchers, and then they send vouchers for ours. I wanted to speak to her this year and see if we could agree to not bother, as it's basically just a direct exchange of money, and I always feel bad about it because we have 3 dc and they only have 2! Our kids get soo much at Christmas I really struggle to spend the vouchers, and I'm sure hers are the same. So I phoned her a few weeks ago, and left a message asking her to call me about the Christmas presents. I also told MIL I had tried to call her, and why.

So, didn't get a Christmas card (not that I'm really bothered about that!) and no return call. BUt no amazon vouchers, so assumed she'd got the message, but wasn't speaking to me... Anyway, yesterday DH told MIL we hadn't heard from SIL and I was a little upset. Cue SIL calling today, telling me she's posted stuff for the kids but was late doing it.

So now- what do I do?? Had the convo with her about not bothering but she says she wants to, but I don't need to buy for her dc (older) Gah! Of course I can't do that!! But if I send vouchers now, it's obviously forced, and a bit embarrassing! Or do I brazen it out, send nothing, but resume the custom next year? Bit annoyed she knew I wanted to discuss it with her and she never gave me the chance, but I now look mean and miserly. Sigh.

Feminist suggestion here but why not leave DH to do the present buying for his nieces and nephews ?

I am with pipsy. Leave all this to your DH, it's his sister. Why are you even involved in it?

could it be that she wasn't planning on buying anything but with you dh telling mil you were upset it resulted in her sending something. mil could have told her that you were upset.

DH would just send money/ vouchers too, as we really don't know the kids well, and they are teenagers and we've no clue what teenagers want! DH really isn't bothered, but thinks we should probably send something back, cringey though it is. I'm sure he'll happily write the cheque and post it. He's not particularly close to his sister, and we've kind of accepted they don't want our company etc, although no particular reason we know of, they just don't. But if they insist on sending money etc to our kids, we'll feel duty bound to send it back to theirs.

If she'd called and we'd discussed it, and I knew she was going to send something, of course I would have already sent something for hers! But I assumed because we'd heard nothing we weren't doing it this year. Just a bit annoyed about being caught on the hop.

DH was away until 22 dec, so didn't really get a chance to do much of the Christmas prep, although he's generally pretty good

Tell her you were going to say no presents but she didn't get back in touch with you to discuss it and you're sorry but you can't afford to buy her kids anything. Then insist that from next year no presents are exchanged. And stick to it, because if you don't then this will continue year in, year out.

I'm sure mil has been bumping her gums- seems very coincidental that SIL phones today, after DH telling his mum yesterday!! But all she needed to do was give us a call or send a Christmas card. I wasn't upset at lack of present/ money- obviously, as I didn't send anything either! More the fact that I thought she wasn't speaking to us!

There is no problem here.

Send nothing, as discussed.

I guess what you mean by older? Over 18? People often stop buying for nephews and nieces at that age. Assuming you or dh have been buying since her dc were tiny then they will have trecieved many presents in previous years. Maybe don't do anything this year and then either cancel present giving, or agree to give each dc a present on behalf of each other, with maybe a #20 per family limit. That way you get to choose something appropriate. If you really want to send them something, amazon vouchers deliver instantly, you just need their e-mail accounts.

SoftKitty- I told her today on the phone that I wanted to stop the cash-exchange, but she refused! She basically said I should stop sending cash/ vouchers to her kids, but she was going to keep sending it to mine! THat would just be embarrassing, and made me feel like a right meanie

I'm involved, because I can't help thinking it's me they don't like We used to be friendly, but the last few years its like they are avoiding us. For example, my niece apparently wants to go into a line of work related to mine. I offered to have her come to me for experience she needs to get into it. Apparently they bypassed me and she went elsewhere for her experience- without telling me, which made me feel a bit bad. They didn't even ask me about it- there is loads of info I could have given them about dn's intended career, but they didn't.

DH doesn't care really. But for some bloody reason, I do!

if you didn't get them gifts or send a card why would you be upset? then you tell dh and he tells on her to their mother. you kinda brought it onto yourself.

trecieved

mynewpassion- I wasn't upset about no gifts, and I did send them a card. Just upset that they didn't return my call and didn't seem to be speaking to us!

We3bunnies- one of theirs is now 18, other slightly younger- not even sure what age!!

They don't bother with you, you don't see them and aren't close, you don't even know how old one of them is. Why do you bother at all?

I wouldn't.

Don't send anything back, you wanted to talk, she didn't answer, she knows that you don't want to do it anymore, if she carries on its her choice but you made your feelings clear and its up to them what they do about it. I also agree that as its your DH's family then its up to him to sort it out. I have nothing to do with DH's family presents and he doesn't have anything to with mine.

I don't think she's put you in an awkward position at all.

If she had called you back she probably would have said then that she still wanted to send vouchers or money for your dc, and the situation would have been the same then as it is now.

All you have to do is decide whether you want to send to her dc or not. As its clear you don't want to, then don't, but don't blame SIL because she chooses to do something other than what you want her to do.

Ah festive- but if she had called me back and made it clear she was going to carry on sending our dc money etc, we would have continued to send for her dc, but now we haven't, and it's embarrassing.

I won't not send money/ vouchers if she is sending for ours- it just seems a bit of a charade: they send us money and we send it back. But if she'd told me she wanted to continue with that, I would have made sure it was done before Christmas! (ie 3 weeks ago, when I phoned her)

I have no problem sending them money. They are nice enough kids, as far as I remember. And it's not going to break the bank. Just seems a bit ...pointless

But she didn't send I before Christmas either, so you are no need to feel guilty that you didn't. She is fine with it.

I'd disagree that it's pointless, because even though you are just exchanging money, the dc involved know that they have been thought of and considered by their Aunt/Uncle.

Although maybe you are right and it is pointless on your part if you are doing it because you feel you have to, but it's not pointless for your children and their Aunt.

You are making your decision dependent on hers, and it shouldn't be like that. You either want to send to her dc or you don't. Do what you want to do and let it be your decision, not someone else's.

I just feel it's a bit of a farce now

It's been so long since I've seen them, that I don't really think of them. And my dc haven't seen or heard from their aunt in so long, they would probably walk past her in the street without recognising her. I tell them she has sent them amazon vouchers/ money, and they don't really understand what that means. I don't feel she does it because she cares about my dc- she has no interest in them, or in seeing them. I feel she does it to keep up appearances, or because it's the "done" thing. To be frank, coming to see us, or calling us and keeping in touch, would mean more than having money thrown our way at Christmas.

Have you ever made the effort to go see them?

They live in London, and have no room to put us all up. If we were ever in or near London, we would definitely go to see them (DH and I did the one time we went there, on a dirty weekend, when we were single ). If they had told us they would be at MILs we would have gone to see them there (1-2 hours drive), but they didn't.

In the early days, I was really keen to keep in touch- mainly as I am an only child, and would have loved a bigger family, but I accept that they don't want that. I would have loved having my niece stay with us for as long as she wanted, and was looking forward to helping her with her career- SIL asked me ages ago, and I was delighted, but she has obviously had second thoughts and decided to go elsewhere. I used to send birthday and Christmas presents (not vouchers). I don't know what I have done to piss them off, but I guess I'll just let it go and carry on sending vouchers. Or getting DH to send them. I can't really be arsed having a big confrontation about it- life is too short, and she'd say no no, we're not pissed off with you etc, and I'd look like a muppet! And I guess it's no real biggie. Just a bit miffed I've been made to look a cheapskate!