To ask if we're getting better at divorce?

[Alittlestranger]

By which I mean, are we as society managing to divorce in a way which is less fractious and damaging for kids?

I'd struggle to claim that my parents' divorce didn't have an effect on me and my approach to relationship. Most of my friends from my generation or older (late 20s upwards) with divorced parents also admit that it has given them "issues".

But I frequently read on MN posts from people claiming that small children will barely notice divorce, their kids have been fine etc. With divorce now so typical have the new generaton of parents just learnt to do it in a more mature way that shields their children from the worst impacts? Or is it that children may appear fine but they will still have issues to work through when they form their own romantic relationships? or do people just have to tell themselves that their kids are coping fine because divorce will always be with us and you'd drive yourself mad feeling guilty?

I don't know who you know but I wouldn't agree people are better at Doing it.

i think it will always cause issues. but staying with my ex would have caused issues too.

I wouldn't agree that people have got better at it, but maybe the fact that there is less stigma attached to it and the fact that children will often be able to share their upsets about their parents divorce with other finds who have been through the same thing, means that there is less damage done.

Many people have issues because of their parents whether or not they are together, and society has probably got better at recognising that rather than just automatically assuming that problems will only follow after a parental separation.

Any children that do have issues because of divorce will find it easier to deal with because divorce is no longer shameful and there is more support available, whereas years ago it wasn't discussed.

Also, because divorce isn't shameful anymore, I think people split earlier they would have done in the same circumstances in the past. If you split and divorce when its not working rather than when it is WW3 then there is probably less damage done to the DC.

I hope so. Most parents know now to be age appropriate honest and put kids first - whether that's possible to do that in the first couple of years in an acrimonious separation, I don't know. The lack of stigma definitely helps tho.

When I told my neice I was divorcing 10 years ago, she nearly cried;' that's not fair, now her DS will get two homes like everyone else at school.'

I definitely agree that there is less stigma and I think that will bring a lot of benefits. But I do wonder whether lack of stigma does much to support children who still need to be shown what a healthy relationship looks like etc.

My feeling is we're getting better at supporting children when they are children, but in terms of long-term impacts my personal jury is still out.

I'm on a downer at the moment as I see so many people from unhappy homes struggling to have happy, functional relationships as adults. And I don't for a minute think that stigmatising divorce again etc is the answer, but I'd like to think there is an answer.

I'd have to say no.

I only last week, had a 15yr old girl sobbing her heart out in my house, and the cause ? Not an argument over a remote control as her mum seemed to think, but the fact that she is piggy in the middle between her mum and dad, and doesn't know wether she is coming or going.

I also overheard a mum in a fast food place, telling her dd (about 6) that she had hurt her so much, by saying that she didn't like daddy, and didnt want to see him, when she had quite clearly had fun there, and enjoyed herself. She went on to ask her if she had told her dad she loved him, and if she had hugged him. The girl replied yes through her sobs, and the mum said 'well thats it then xxx, don't ever tell me you don't like him again, cos i won't believe you'. The step dad kept chipping in with 'stop crying, we know you're putting it on.

It was utterly heartbreaking to hear, and I wanted to shake the mum hard. Both situations really upset me.

I know exactly how both of those girls felt.

I seperated from my xp 6 years ago, and I'm damn sure I made mistakes along the way, but for the most part I put my feelings for him aside and, put the kids first. I suppose I only knew to do this though because of my own experience of being a child going through a divorce.

For some reason I thought it was shameful to get divorced (something to do with my parents) but actually it isn't. For me every day, no matter how grim the day might be, is better simply because I am divorced. My children are definitely being damaged by the status quo (4 court battles in 4 years - all instigated by ex and his mum) but even that is better for us all than living day in day out with an agressive alcoholic with sooooooo many issues.

Our children are not tainted by our divorces in the way previous generations were. But I think it is naive to think that children aren't affected by divorces now, but they are pretty much part of the "norm" now.

Children are affected (my parents got divorced when I was 4) but in many cases the parents staying together and children witnessing arguments would affect them more.

I most definitely think it's the way parents handle divorce rather than the divorce itself that effects children the most.

I had already left home and was living with DH when my parents divorced, it didn't have an effect on me really. But my sister was only 13 and it has effected her massively. She still has issues stemming from it almost 20 years later. But then both my parents put themselves first during the divorce I'd say, although I do think my dad tried his best to do what he thought was right by my sister. My mum left and my sister stayed in the family home with my dad. He changed his working shifts, so he didn't do nights any more, and he tried to be at home as much as he possibly could. He's not really a talk about feelings type of guy though, and didn't talk about the divorce with my sister at all, it was mostly swept under the carpet.

My mum on the other hand, pretty much left and didn't see my sister for months on end. Then when she did it was fractured. She was too interested in spending time with her new boyfriend. It was left to me to pick up the emotional pieces of my sister. I tried as best I could, but at only 17 myself I couldn't replace a mother for a young teenager who felt completely abandoned.

I see the effect it has on my sister now in her everyday life. She has very low self esteem and always seems to pick the wrong men who treat her like shit. Her friends are her family now too.

I never hear normal people use the phrase 'broken family.' I would be amazed if DS thought he came from one. He doesn't - his dad and I divorced, that's all. I don't think his peers would recognise the term either.

Its all about how the divorce is handled. Also staying together when unhappy brings its own problems.
You just do the best you can.

I would struggle to say we are better at divorce more that we are rushing into marriage with the wrong person and for the wrong reasons...