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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"That" child you want to discourage your DC's friendship with.........

27 replies

dashoflime · 26/12/2012 10:54

was Me!!!

Just found out the reason one of my friends went on to a different secondary school to the rest of us was to get him away from me.

Honestly, my childhood is just littered with this sort of thing. Some of which I was (painfully) aware of at the time, some of which I only found out about in adulthood.

What on earth was wrong with me as a kid?

Whatever it was, I hope it isn't apparent to people now.

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 26/12/2012 10:56

I was that child too! I look back and don't see why! My best friend was told she wasn't allowed to play with me anymore...and other mate's were more naughty than I was but their parents always thought I was the catalyst!

I was good looking and a bit quiet....was that why?

Arthurfowlersallotment · 26/12/2012 11:04

So was I. I'm so unbothered now. Especially when I see the state of my old class mates sixteen years on.

Yama · 26/12/2012 11:11

I was definitely the (very) bad influence on my friends from about 15 onwards. All through uni too.

Better wouldn't melt though ...

WankinginaWinterWonderland · 26/12/2012 11:14

I was that person too but my best friends were sisters, so of course I had to take the blame for everything 'they are Wanka cigarettes' 'It was wanka who knocked on the doors' 'Oh the matches, yes they are Wankas'

Thankfully their parents now realise it wasn't all me!

Original poster

dashoflime · 26/12/2012 11:17

Arthurfowler: that is a very good point. The boy I was not good enough for works in optical express and has a drink problem.

OP posts:

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 26/12/2012 11:35

The problem with 'That child' is it's in the perception of the beholder.

It could be that 'That child' is mummy's little angel but in reality is badly behaved due to the fact that neither mummy or daddy have ever disciplined her/him and nobody else is allowed to either.

'That child' could be a generally well behaved child who, for some reason, always gets the blame, even when it's not their fault. Maybe the parent has taken a dislike to them/doesn't want to admit that their own 'little angel' has done something wrong because that would be a reflection on their parenting.

Sometimes 'That child' is a child with sn and the other parent is intolerant/unwilling to make allowances for their behaviour. They're not willing to go to a little extra effort to make it possible for their child and the child with sn to play together.

OP in your case I doubt there was anything wrong with you. You were probably just a convenient scapegoat.

WankinginaWinterWonderland · 26/12/2012 12:05

A lot of my old classmates have no teeth, have lost limbs or are dead from Heroin overdoses now... sign of the times!

peaceandlovebunny · 26/12/2012 12:07

i once heard parents telling their child she should not 'mix' with me. their reasons? my family were better off than theirs. turned out her dad was an abuser who went to prison for it (rare in the sixties) so maybe they did me a favour.

KeepYerTitsIn · 26/12/2012 12:20

Mmm I was that child too, and I think that is probably the reason I have always felt like the odd one out/unwanted in social groups since. My parents weren't very well off and had rather odd ways, but are good people who just didn't fit into the middle class community we lived in, and were judged negatively. It had a huge impact on me and my brother's happiness and self esteem.

flow4 · 26/12/2012 12:31

I wasn't that child. But I suspect my DS1 is now.
I blame the (single) parent...

We3bunniesOfOrientAre · 26/12/2012 12:59

It is hard too from the other side, having dd(5) explaining to every family member why she is sporting a black eye over Christmas because of 'that child' on the last day of term. In this case I know the back story, have enormous sympathy for the family, but it still makes me sad when it it my child who is hurt. We explain as much as we can to her why the boy is sad (mother died) - and she tries to be friendly to him, but when she plays with him he often hits her. I wouldn't say she can't play with him, but she has decided for herself to keep her distance from him. The great thing is that now you are an adult you can do something to act on the information, or you can see that maybe it was just prejudice on the part of their parents.

MadBanners · 26/12/2012 13:00

I found out at 14, the reason a cpl of lads I used to hang out with, within a big group, and one of which I was going out with (which meant holding hands and little pecks on the lip if we were brave enough) stopped hanging around with me for a few weeks was because on of the Moms told them i was a "man eater" and to not be seen with me! I was 14, and quite an innocent and shy 14 year old at that, so not sure what "man eater" type of behaviour I displayed!

Maybe it was because I was the only girl in a big group of boys, since this was at a place where we had a Caravan and used to go to every weekend, and I was the only girl there at those times....and the big group of us included me and my 3 brothers, plus the other boys around our age, 13-15 and we all used to hand around together as there was no one else.

JamesBexleySpeed · 26/12/2012 13:15

I was that child too. There was a girl I was very friendly with who was sent to a different secondary school and I too later found out it was because her parents wanted to get her away from me. I was apparently not intelligent enough. Quite bizarre really, my parents were professionals; a solicitor and an engineer, I went on to get a first in maths at university following a pile of As at O and A level.
Very peculiar, I have often wondered what their problem was.

jinglebellyalltheway · 26/12/2012 13:17

me too! I was that kid, best friend was encouraged to have other friends round as I wasn't their type.... fast forward through the teens and I turned out sensible and BF went off the rails... then BFs mum changed her tune and started asking BF why she couldn't be more like jingle!.... and the friends she was pushed towards turned into horrible bullies!

JamesBexleySpeed · 26/12/2012 13:21

I think it might have been because I was overweight. Some people associate weight problems with lack of intelligence and do not want to mix with fat people in case they catch it.

jinglebellyalltheway · 26/12/2012 13:21

and reasons for me being "that child"?

single parent family
confident and assertive
didn't go to church alongside all the village hypocrites! (child abusers and nasty life-ruining gossips)
not 6th generation to live in that village (although did have family from that village, but that's not enough to stop you being an outsider LOL)

KatyPeril · 26/12/2012 13:24

I was with one friend! She came from a strictly religious family and I was a bastard child who was allowed to run riot apparently Despite my obvious problems I wasn't the one to grow up to rebel against my mother with shop-lifting, casual sex and drug use.

JamesBexleySpeed · 26/12/2012 13:26

A friend of mine used to be a big disappointment to her mother. She was a bit of a tomboy; not interested in clothes or make up. Her cousin was held up as an example of all that was good and girly. 'Why can't you be more like your cousin?' etc etc.
Fast forward 10 years and the cousin has 4 children, two divorces and dropped out of school as she became pregnant as a teen. My friend is a teacher with a happy marriage and of course now it's 'you are so much better than your cousin'
People are shallow and often make judgements based on superficial appearances.

JethroTull · 26/12/2012 13:35

I was 'that child'. Loud, opinionated, went drinking with my older sister & her friends before I was 18. Generally my friends mums thought I would lead their daughters astray. I never did! Funnily enough, the worst perpetrator now thinks I'm lovely.....

FestiveElement · 26/12/2012 14:07

I was that child, but I was also a child whose parents tried very hard to destroy a friendship with my best friend.

I was a mischievous child and a rebellious teenager, and although I turned out ok I can understand why particularly precious parents might not have wanted me to be friends with their little angels. I enjoyed pushing the boundaries as a teenager.

The friend who my parents wanted to keep me away from was addicted to cocaine the last time I saw her, and it was quite shocking to see how awful she looked. My parents had a point.

FunnysFuckingFreezing · 26/12/2012 14:12

ha ha, I was that child too, to some people. We had a very active Baptist church in our village with quite a large missionary contingent. I know at least 2 families who thought I was a bad influence on their children and come to think of it one of them did move schools . In actual fact I was a very normal if rebellious teenager

bellechristmas · 26/12/2012 14:22

I was friends with 'that child', still am, 25 years later, despite my mother's best efforts to discourage the friendship. Am trying really hard not to judge any of my dd's friends in the same way.

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 26/12/2012 14:41

I wanted to discourage dd1's friendship with "that child" - her difficult parents, abusing our hospitality, helping herself to dd1's possessions - but dd1 begged me to let her keep coming round. Fifteen years later "that child" (now a lovely young woman) told me that our kindness helped to keep her sane and showed her how some other families behaved. And she thanked me. I have never felt quite so undeserving of thanks.

MammaTJ · 26/12/2012 17:59

Me and my best mate were each others bad influence. It depends which mum you talked to as to who was the worst.

We recently got back in touch with each other and it was wonderful. Both very much reformed characters now!!

MammaTJ · 26/12/2012 18:02

Idon'tknow, my DStD had a friend like that. Unfortunately she was kicked out of the house from at least the age of 8 as soon as it was daylight and her mum did not seem to care much what happened to her. We took her in. We would take her on outings and bath her and feed her.

The girls are now 28 and I have also got a 17 year old and a 7 and 6 year old. In the summer the yougest two were in the park with their dad and this young lady approached them all and told them that I made her childhood. We only did small things for her, but they obviously helped.

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