..to feel desperately sorry for my ex OH

[Santasapunkatheart]

He has put us through hell, leaving us last year after two decades together. We have had some horrible things to deal with and life has been very very difficult.

The relationship with his daughter slowly broke down to the point where she would not speak to him. She has had some psychological problems and cannot cope with any contact. This morning he called and wanted to wish her a happy Christmas. He has been fairly ruthless in the last eighteen months or so but today.....he sounded sad, desperate, lonely.

I know that it is a situation of his own choosing...but when his daughter did not want to speak to him, he sounded so completely lost.

I have very little contact with him...but I just sent him an email hoping that he had an OK Christmas. Friends have told me I am soft and that he deserves it lot.

There is something about Christmas that makes people stop and think about situations...all those Christmas family films, smiley families on Facebook. I feel he may be going through some crisis.

I have found my equilibrium now, come through suicidal feelings and am now trying to help my daughter. I can't help him, can I?

But it still makes me sad for the life he has.

No, you can't help him. Focus your energies on the true victim in this, your DD.

I understand completely. Have the same feelings towards my ex.

Agree with MammaTJ

YANBU. How sad.

You are right of course. My energies are now focused so much on her.....she has suffered so much. I put so much effort into Christmas and she did smile....but the laughing happy monkey she was is gone. I really can't forgive him for that. But it was a moment of Christmas compassion and sorrow. Sometimes we all make stupid decisions and then - well we have to live with them. Probably a good reminder to treat people who love us with respect and kindness....

Compassion is absolutely ok. But don't confuse that with wanting to 'fix' things for him. You're still vulnerable so your boundaries need to be firm and high.

Point taken. I am stronger now but I did feel a wobble.

A child is for life not just christmas.

A wobble is normal. You were with him for 20 years, and there may always be a level of attachment to the man you once believed he was. It's OK to feel sad, for yourself, for DD and even for him that he is not that man; even compassion that his choices have made him so much less than he could have been.

But you do need to engage your head too; the wobble is probably related to grief for the 'what could have been' that is lost (bit like a reminder of a bereavement). It's unrelated to what is important in your life now, and what you need and want in your future. That is why you can acknowledge the (transient) emotion, but must not let it lead you any attempt to engage with him to help him whatsoever.

Maybe you're mourning the loss of their relationship rather than having feelings for him directly ie. what could have been. I would certainly try and stay focused on your dd, poor thing, how old is she?

i think of you sometimes, as i go about my everyday life. i think about how he came to hassle you one day after you'd just had treatment for your condition, when you were crying and your eyes were bleeding.
i wish you comfort and good things. don't take responsibility for him - you've got enough on with your own issues and with your daughter. xx

Gosh you have a good memory, peace! Yes, that was a horrible day and he was ruthless. Thank you for your thoughts. My eyelashes grew back though - so that great! I felt truly hideous for a while...not symmetrical at all!

My DD is 15 but a very young 15. She has cried a lot over Christmas and at one point would not get out of bed. Very worrying. But I make jokes, give her lots of love and say 'It will be OK' a lot! I know she is not a baby but she is hurting. She's a deep feeling little soul and her dad was her hero.

Yes, not to get pulled in. Absolutely. It's odd because our positions have now changed...I was the weepy, desperate one last year. Lovely people at Mumsnet, RL friends and family....they all put me back together.

Thank you again peace. XX

Blimey...have you seen the time! Off to bed now and wishing you all a lovely Christmas, with your families and all that Santa has brought......

I used to "see" you around on MN punk and wondered if you were still here.

... it's OK to feel compassion. Of course it is.

But your ex did this to himself really, didn't he?

You come across as a very thoughtful person in your posts so I'm not surprised you feel bad for him.

But look after yourself and your DD.

I suspect Peace has a spreadsheet.

I guess now its your turn to be your dds hero, get some champers or fizzy pop and raise a toast with her to a happier 2013!

I was a very sad, deep thinking teen, it didn't last so hopefully your dd will come out the other side.

Love and light xx

Yes, I've seen the time (and who cares).

Best time is to not give it to people who don't care about you both and to give it to you and her!

~That's got nothing to do with an imaginary Santa Clause~

Yanbu to feel sorry for him, but all actions have consequences and if he wants to have a relationship with his dd he needs to put the work in all year and not just expect all to be forgiven at Christmas.

Oh dear. I have to speak to the doctor about my daughter. She is really very depressed - crying a lot, not wanting to get out of bed, even expressing a desire not to be here.

I am not keen on ADs for a 15 year old. Counselling has been ineffective.

Ah well onwards and upwards.

Sorry to hear about your daughter :( I was a very depressed teenager, but I came through it so please don't lose hope. The most important thing you can do is be there for her - even if she pushes you away and you feel completely ineffectual.

Also, don't rule out ADs. I'm a psychologist now, so obv a fan of therapy, but ADs have their place and can be a vital springboard to a place where other issues can be processed. Doing is the key - does she get out much? Have fun in her life? Friends? How's her self esteem? Her schoolwork? School could be a useful first step as they have links to children's mental health teams (usually but not in every case).

Christmas can be a particularly stressful time when you're depressed as you desperately don't want to bring anyone else down, but can't feel happier on command. What type of counselling has she tried?

I'm sorry counselling hasn't touched the spot - at least, not yet; and I hope it will in the future. I would recommend ADs if she is this low. They are miraculous, not designed to zonk you out but to get the right feelgood/ok brain chemicals firing again, that's all. Do your research re some are not appropriate for teens (eg prozac).

As for feeling sorry for your ex. I felt sorry for my ex when he was killed. But I could only afford compassion because he couldn't hurt us any more. Be very careful, you can't afford compassion. It's a slippery slope. YOur daughter (and you) are your priority. Let life deal with him.

Thanks both. What an interesting job, Misty. Yes, I think I will have to consider all the options. They do have a counsellor at her school - but she has an issue with being treated somewhere where her friends might see it.

Her self-esteem is shocking. She has lots of friends but never 'reveals' her true self - she is always the happy smiling person. Schoolwork is really poor and she is in danger of failing some of her GCSEs. I am taking her out today for lunch but she really really doesn't want to get out very much.

Sorry to hear about your ex jingle but I know exactly what you mean. I veer between moments of compassion and then a fury that could strip bark off trees!