To miss my home town so much?

[BitofSparklingPerry]

Back home for the first christmas in 3 years. Sigh, I love it here.

I suspect I love it from novelty value, it did my head in when I lived here.

I moved to DHs home town, which is near to three major places, has loads of facilities that are great for home ed, much better public transport, I live a much more grown up life there, the ILs are retired so can be much more helpful with the kids, I have a (very - 5 hours a week on average) part time job that is tied to the place, although my other two jobs an be done anywhere, dh has a job there.

But, sigh...

I laugh more here than I ever dover there. There I have friends who are very polite and nice, but I would never get drunk and talk about sex or whatever - its all kids and houses. Here I have one very close friend, several friends who are still closer than anyone over there and loads of acquaintances from my partying days. I also have my parents and my nana, and both my sisters live away but visit regularly.

We might be near loads of cool stuff over there, but I only ever go to the kids stuff. Maybe six times a year I go anywhere but the local pub as an adult. Over here I do two or three times that, despite only visiting in school holidays (we are new to HE)

The towns are about 300 miles apart, I don't drive and the kids are little. We get trains or a lift across but it isn't easy.

We moved over there as DHs brother was ill, then he died, and now we are all that the ILs have. Well, they have a busier social life than me and their siblings etc, but the kids are a huge part of their life. They are a lot older than my parents (nearly 70 to just turned 50). My parents have much more strenuous jobs (physically and mentally, compared to ILs professional/office jobs that they have retired from) and my nana is hard work - I come over to look after her quite a bit.

DH gets angry when I even mention moving over here.

I stay with my parents when I come over, and I suspect a lot of the difference is down to living with other people - I get lonely by myself when the kids have gone to bed and DH works two late evenings and goes to the pub on one or two nights a week. If I moved over, we would have to get our own house so that benefit wouldn't be there. Me and the kids share a bedroom here, although it is huge enough to serve as almost a cramped bedsit. For various reasons my parents have a disproportionately large house that they share with my nana.

One reason we were keen to move away was that my village is like, well, a village, and even the nearest small city is full of people who know people who know people. It meant that a falling out between any two people caused ruptions everywhere (we were part of a small music scene in the city, so it was even smaller a group) and my village is full of people who bullied me at school and/or who know my family so there is no privacy.

I am ten years younger than dh, over there I only seem to know people his age (late 30s) and find it really hard to meet younger people who I 'fit' with. I am a hippy socialist alternative music student type and the people my age at toddler groups etc all seem to know each other and are polite enough but have nothing in common. I am meeting more people through HE, but it is nigh on impossible to do anything that isn't entirely child focused because of the nature of HE.

DH just says I'm not making an effort and he is probably right, but I'm too tired and shy to go to gigs etc without knowing anyone these days, and I go to some political things but again people are either loads older (at party based things) or don't talk to me beyond 'hello comrade' (at rally type things). Discussion things are better, but I am so out of practise that I just blurt out random stuff and embarrass myself.

Help! How do I stop feeling so homesick? I'm at the point where I am considering divorce from a man I love because we are both so entrenched in our views about this and he has the status quo on his side. I keep clothes, toys etc over here, so it is so tempting to just not go back.

Sounds like a complete case of grass is always greener. There are numerous reasons why moving back to home town would not be great-you've identified them all yourself. I am at the opposite side, moved back temporarily and 16 years later still plotting escape (didn't want to move kids from school).

I miss my home town too but when I go back it's always in the holidays when my family has time to see us and do fun stuff - they wouldn't in just any regular week.

You've taked a decision to home ed which is likely to be more isolated than a regular school would be - the chances for you to make friends are more limited - so you will have to work harder at it for yourself and your kids. I'm assuming you've joined various groups and join in with museum trips and hands on opportunities?

And you might want to think about a grup or a course for YOU. Maybe a dance class or a rambling group or an evening course - meeting like. Indeed people rather than random strangers is always more likely to let you be friends.

Learn to drive?

it did my head when I lived here... My village is full of people who bullied me and/or who know my family so there is no privacy

It's great that you can go back and feel secure enough to socialise but a permanent shift wouldn't necessarily be as rosy. I think the other posters have made good points and perhaps the part you relish most when returning is company when staying at your parents and an extra hand with your DCs. Understandable but not a guarantee of how things would be if you had your own place to look after and were living there not visiting.

Is this a where-suits-me-best-to-live question or does it run deeper to a did-I-fall-in-love-with-the-wrong-man issue?

I think you are lonely. It sounds like you're home alone with the kids at least 4 nights out of 7, and as you're HE-ing your days are tied up with child-based activities too. Tbh, I don't think that would be any different in your hometown.

I think you need to find an activity that's out of the home, and is just for you. Actually, it doesn't need to even be out of the home, something like Open University is also brilliant for stretching you and you 'meet' other students virtually.

That all said, why will your DP not even discuss moving?

I do OU already, and love it. Counting down the months until I am a safe two years since I was in mental hosputal last and so feel safe enough from relapse to drive.

I am making more friends with HE, with HE mums tending to be nearer my outlook. School mums were polite, but I was a lot younger and they all kept saying how it is wonderful that I dare to dress like I do... i don't even dress that strangely, the other young HE mums all seem to dress exactly like me...

I ge on with the HE mums, but the general activities in after school time are much harder fir me to make friends. Obviously I have to go o the kids can go, but I study while waiting.

There is a really strong left wing tradition in the NE, o I'm trying to get more involved there. It is hard though, it seems to mostly be students, men and a few older women. People over there laugh when I say I will come out and leave DH with the kids. I will, obviously, but at least one in four meetings has someone teloing me how useful the miners wives were by cooking frugal meals. There was a stir because a woman spoke at a major yearly event. It is like time stopped in the eighties.

I am lonely. I am really really lonely :-(. In the daytime it isn't so bad, because we can go out, but the evenings are awful once the kids are in bed. We lived in shared houses for a while after we had dd1, but dh is too anti social. Now I am stuck in while he goes to the pub, and he gets annoyed when I say I am lonely because he likes his own company. He says he would rush home and be back by 8pm if I had something on, but organised things seem to start at 7pm. He gets angry when I say that, because he thinks I should be able to go in a pub alone and just...start talking to people. I got massively panicy and nearly went home before a mumsnet meetup, fgs, I'm hardly going to be brave enough to walk into a big city centre pub at 9pm alone.

((hugs)).

Have you looked into any feminist groups? If you're interested in socialism but the groups you've tried are very male-biased, how about a woman-only space? If you post on the feminist and women's rights board here, someone may know of a friendly group in your area?

I know of two, but they both meet when I can't make it. Maybe I could arrange to meet someone for a brew?