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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas presents

24 replies

teela12 · 25/12/2012 19:11

Namechanged as don't want to out self too much. My DCs have spent this Christmas with their dad. Before Christmas he told me he would be "just getting them a few bits, not going overboard".

Today they he's given them:

a pair of £200 headphones
a tablet computer each
a PS3 plus 18-rated games
"loads" of other stuff (their words).

They are 9 and 11. When they come home they'll be getting presents from me which add up to about £80 each in total. That's what I could afford and I think it's enough. Or rather, I did.

Their dad and I are currently engaged in a nasty dispute over residence - basically he wants them to go and live with him 100 miles away. Obviously I disagree. AIBU to think he is trying to "buy" them?

OP posts:

SoleSource · 25/12/2012 19:12

Yabu up to him what he spends.

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2012 19:13

Read the post, SoleSource!

drmelons · 25/12/2012 19:14

:-( it appears that even the act of giving a gift can be nasty and devicive in some people's hands.

I'm sure your children will work it out very quickly, hope you have a lovely time when they come home xx

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2012 19:15

He's shot himself in the foot, though, with the aged 18 games, OP, when they are in primary school.

You are their mum. I know they'll be pleased with all of their presents, but do you think they can be so easily bought?

Original poster

teela12 · 25/12/2012 19:17

No, I don't ImperialBlether - I'm just taken aback by the level of expense. In previous years he's been quite "normal" about presents. If I won the lottery tomorrow I don't think I'd give a kid of their ages so much expensive kit. I don't think it helps the to appreciate the value of money.

OP posts:

SecretSantaFix · 25/12/2012 19:18

I'm willing to bet that the PS3 and games will have to stay at his place as well.

LineRunner · 25/12/2012 19:23

It's so very difficult.

If you have the reverse (as I do) where a very well paid man buys his DCs an ill-fitting item of clothing each for Christmas, and that's it, then that grates as well.

I agree with imperial about the 18 games - shot himself in the foot a bit there. It shows poor judgement about boundaries and age-appropriate activities, as they are only 9 and 11.

Original poster

teela12 · 25/12/2012 19:23

Oh yes SecretSantaFix. He never lets them bring anything home from his.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 25/12/2012 19:23

Won't make a jot of diff. I have read the post.

ChocHobNob · 25/12/2012 19:29

If he can afford it though, then it's up to him. What if it was the other away around and you could afford the expensive presents and he could budget £80 each? Should you then only spend a small amount on them so it won't make him feel bad or won't make the kids think less of him (or for fear of it looking like you're trying to buy the children?)? No, you should spend what you want because it's none of his business really. I think YABU. The kids will love their presents from you.

TheCortanaThatStoleChristmas · 25/12/2012 19:30

YANBU. The games which are inappropriate for their age would be a worry without the residence issue.

Do they spend the majority of their time with you? If so it's a bit harsh if the presents have to be left at his to only be played with every now and then. Obviously I can only see what you've written not the whole picture, but if you think that he is trying to make 'Dad's house' seem like the fun place to be his actions seem to fit.

I think you've read but missed the OP's point spectacularly Sole.

Rhubarbgarden · 25/12/2012 19:31

Children aren't stupid. They will be aware of what he's up to.

ChocHobNob · 25/12/2012 19:33

18 games for young children are obviously a concern though.

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2012 19:36

What Rhubarb said is what I meant above - they will know his game and yes, they will love to have the things he's bought them but they know where their real home is.

It must be a very stressful time for you, OP. Presumably, though, your children are settled with you and have friends and enjoy school? Would a court have a reason for taking them away from that?

Original poster

teela12 · 25/12/2012 19:38

They live with me and always have. Perfectly well settled and happy at school etc, but the oldest one is going to move up to secondary school next Sept and I suppose exH sees that as a natural opportunity.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2012 19:41

OP, was it his decision to leave? Is he with someone else now?

TheCortanaThatStoleChristmas · 25/12/2012 19:42

Also meant to add, I am sure your DC will love the presents you have chosen for them, regardless of cost.

FFS imagine giving a child a gift and not allowing them to take it home. Sorry, that just makes me rather cross.

MagicHouse · 25/12/2012 19:45

Try not to get into the competitive parenting thing. Just concentrate on giving your children a lovely, relaxing Christmas/ Boxing Day with you. If he's trying to buy their loyalty, there will inevitably be tension alongside that. He will be desperate for it to work and therefore be seeking their reassurance, even if only subconsciously, that his gifts are lovely. Deep down this will be exhausting. Give them a stressfree happy time with you. Keep positive, don't criticise your ex in front of your children. They will appreciate a relaxed home without demands more than a ton of expensive inappropriate presents.

Original poster

teela12 · 25/12/2012 19:47

ImperialBlether, the end of our marriage wasn't really like that. If anything it was probably more my decision than his but it had reached the point where we agreed we had to part. He re-married and has another child now. Since the new child arrived, his fixation with having our two live there has taken on even more zeal.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2012 20:12

I'm so sorry. It must be a really difficult time for you.

Original poster

teela12 · 25/12/2012 20:25

Thanks IB. I just don't know how to react. I guess no reaction is best. Just feel a bit like "our" Christmas will be underwhelming in comparison.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2012 20:29

They will love to be back with you, teela. Don't worry about expensive presents. Just give them plenty of love and attention and a fun time and they'll be fine.

Is there a degree of spite and revenge in your ex's actions? It's terrible that (if you are a good mum) he should try to take the children away from you, when he has a wife and a child himself. And don't tell me his wife would want that either.

Original poster

teela12 · 25/12/2012 20:37

His wife goes along with whatever he wants - she is his wife after all.

I wouldn't say he's being spiteful exactly, more showing through the ostentatious expenditure that he can provide more than I can for the DC. He's a knob.

OP posts:

butterfingerz · 25/12/2012 21:37

He's providing, but in an irresponsible way so at the end of the day its a total waste of his money. If it was spending on something age appropriate and life enhancing, a nice bike or whatnot, I'm sure you'd be as happy as the next person.

I'd be having a stern word about the +18 games, that's out of order. They wont appreciate the headphones at all. Just rise above it, don't play ball.

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