.. to want Christmas Day to be just DH, DC and myself from next year?

[TwoDividedByZero]

I loved Christmas until we had children. That was 33 fantastic Christmasses! Whether with my parents (and when I was little, my grandparents) or various boyfriend's parents over the years, and most recently over the last ten years my DH's parents (two sets of) - no problem.

Until we had DS nearly 8 years ago. Then I felt it all went downhill on Christmas Day. We also have DD now (5).

What I would love more than anything is for us to spend Christmas Day together, just the four of us (DH and 2 DC).

We could do nice walks, watch whatever we wanted on TV, my children's food fads wouldn't be a problem, my DS (who has Asperger's and ADHD) would not need to have his ADHD tablet (which normally he only has for school, but has in the hols/weekends if stressful stuff is happening) - and it reduces his appetite when he is on it so doesn't fancy lunch, even if he did fancy turkey and the trimmings (I wish)!

No day trips to the in-laws of two hours each way (which we are doing Christmas Day - tomorrow). No fitting everyone in on a strict rota of once every three years.

For my ideal Christmas I would love to hide at home between Christmas and New Year and go on lots of trips to nice outdoor places, or rent a cottage for the four of us to simply enjoy each other's company with no expectations and no stress. Realistically that may not be possible - but could we at least spend Christmas Day on our own?

That would be such a break from both our family's traditions - but would be so wonderful.

How would I tell all the parents?

Also I feel guilty as with all six parents now in their late 60s/mid 70s, although I realise that these days they should all have many years in front of them, maybe we should be spending Christmas Days with them as often as possible as they won't always be here?

Having said that, as an only child, once all my grandparents had died, when I was a teenager, I usually spent Christmas with just my parents and didn't feel short-changed. They didn't seem to either. It was all so calm and relaxed.

I wish tomorrow I could let DC (7 and 5) open their presents and spend the day just having fun with them rather than dashing off on a long journey or, if people staying with me, cooking.

DS (7) said, (completely unprompted, out of the blue) a few weeks ago ' I wish we didn't spend all day opening presents - I wish we could go out somewhere instead'. I won't mention the place he named as that would give my location away but it is a beautiful park with lots of waterbirds, lakes and so relaxing. That's what he wants; that's what I want.

Could we be brave enough to do it?

Has anyone else taken the plunge and conferred exclusivity to just their husband and children on Christmas Day?

We like Christmas; we just don't like the pressure it puts on the four of us time-wise and with what we choose to do for the day.

Can we realistically change it all in our 40s?!!

We have a rotation system for Xmas. Dp's family one year, mine the next, and then the third year at home on our own. We make sure we see family we aren't with on Xmas day either just before or just after. We have done this since we first got together so 7 years now and I think because that is just how we do it there is no problem with people being upset.

I really couldn't be doing with travelling about on Xmas day and I love the ones we spend at home as a family.

yup done that whole visiting relatives thing and staying with them as we live 100's of miles away. Now it's just us 4, which is enough tbh, but a dream compared to the hideon of visiting all the family. We just said, no we are not coming home this year, voila, job done!

We invite people in August, invariably it's meh we don't know, thanks we'll let you know.
So past 4 years just us , perfect.

We did the whole bugger off somewhere (cottage remote, no mobile signal) again in August.
When they "forget" we just smile and say "shame, you could have come to us"

WOW! This is the first time Ive posted on here and I cannot believe the amount of replies I've had in a matter of minutes! Thank you - I am so impressed - and on Christmas Eve too!

I will give all that's been said so far serious thought. Am feeling more optimistic that there is a way out of all this after reading your comments!

It's that time now (10.18 pm) - off to be Father Christmas now....................

Thanks again and Merry Christmas.

We used to do the rounds too - 3 sets of DP's, hours in the car etc etc

YANBU. We finally just said - we are at home - anyone welcome, but we are at home. Sometimes family join us "for the big day", and sometimes it is just us, both are lovely, and we see most of the family in the week or so before / after chrimbo.

Like others on here after about 7 years of either hosting family or travelling to visit family ( we live 500 miles away from both sets) usually living with them to, we said we were staying at home on our own. It was bliss and we have now got into a rota of one year just us, next year something with my DM and DF and third year with inlaws. Kids are now teens and they enjoy family coming here to stay, but hate having to travel for Christmas and the Christmases where it is just the four of us are great.

I don't think this is unreasonable at all- you need to time to build your own family traditions. Visit people for New Year or in between Christmas and New Year instead.

We have been very lucky though as both sets of parents suffered from having to host all and sundry every year when their kids were growing up and had very few "just them" days and memories and these are treasured so they understand and accept why we want to do this. They love seeing us around the holiday time, but not fussed about Christmas Day itself.

'As an only child'... I reckon you have only child guilt and excessive responsibility for your parents' happiness! Let it go:)

Home alone next year and they like you can do what they want.

My dad used to have to work around Christmas on alternate years. On the non- work years we always went abroad. Worked well for not doing family/big gift giving/big cooking which Dad wasn't keen on.

What could be nicer than Christmas day on the beach? :-)

Funny now that my bro has kids my Dad is super keen on family Christmases!

YANBU.

When I was little that was how it always was. Grandparents visited but didn't stay for dinner. My parents were keen to set their own traditions.
Not their parents,their own.

My parent split when I was 9. For years my younger brother and I split christmas between them.

I have a great relationship with all three of my parents. Mum,step dad,dad. I cherish them,I'm 24 and have seen my best friend and DP lose parents. But I still cherish the memories of those perfect Christmas days.

You want to spend Christmas day with your husband and children? Of course YANBU! It's so sad that Christmas has become so politically charged (I'm talking family politics here) that many of us feel obligated to spend our time (and money!) doing things we would rather not do with people we would rather not be with.
Now then, OP, you have to be strong. Too late for this Christmas but from next Christmas onwards, you call the shots okay?
You could mention over lunch that next year you are having a quieter, family Christmas with just the 4 of you; that should give everyone time (12 months) to get used to the idea.
When our DCs were young (and trust me, it doesn't last long) we always had Christmas day on our own and did family visiting on the other days. It worked well for us.
Merry Christmas!

YANBU
MIL/FIL decided 9 years ago that they would alternate between their children's houses at Christmas (they have two, so they come here every other year). I was fine with that (until I realised they expected two meals, would offer to help with the washing up after it was done and would still be here after the DC had gone to bed and past our normal bedtime) but did, and still do, find it a bit presumptious. This has since been exceeded by expectations from my side, which includes long trips to collect people, overnight guests...
It is our turn this year. DH and I are just getting through it. We do like to see people but not for this length of time in one go!

YANBU. For the last few years, we've been spending Christmas day at home, just DH, DS and I. I love it this way. DS opens his presents and has the whole day to play and enjoy them. This year we got invited to go to someone's house for xmas lunch and I politely declined. There's no way I am leaving the house today, unless the weather improves and we go for a nice walk.

Thanks all once again.

Update:

Well our trip today was even WORSE than anticipated due to DS's AS. He usually copes with the odd trip we make during the year to this set of ILs, but to combine Christmas and presents with it was too much. He is getting worse as he gets older.

He opened his presents here at home, then with hardly a chance to look at any of them we had to whisk off on a two hour journey to their house. He was pretty much fine there for about two hours then suddenly it was all too much and he dissolved in tears, a true AS meltdown. He could no longer cope with the new toys he had brought from home, and despite the fact that the presents the ILs had bought him were perfect for him, he said with true AS style and directness that he didn't have enough presents and they were boring! The actual truth was that he had had far too many presents and his mind had been overloaded! I realise to those of you with non-AS children he sounds like a spoilt brat but he absolutely isn't; it is pure AS anxiety and overload.

We tried him with every single thing that normally works - Angry Birds, TV, board games, I-Spy - he refused them all and just kept saying 'I just want to go home' again and again. We would normally spend from about 11.30 till 5.30 there (long enough!) but this time he had had enough by 4.00 (we only got there at 12.00 due to traffic) and there was nothing we could do.

It was present overload and noise overload - their disabled cat didn't stop miaowing from its pen, their dog was yapping and everyone was talking. Despite the fact I was one to one with him he couldn't block it out. I offered that we could go and chill in a quieter room but he could no longer take that on board.

Luckily my ILs have a 31 year-old daughter (DH's half-sister) who lives with them and has a different learning disability, so they were totally understanding and actually said, without us suggesting it, that really what he needs is Christmas Day on his own with just us. So no need to disappoint them - just two other sets to tell (my parents should be fine).

At least we have his AS to blame, but even if he did not have it we have still been finding it hard to fit in all three sets at Christmas time. But it does give us a huge reason not to carry on with it as it is simply cruel to him at this point - perhaps as he matures he will find his own coping strategies gradually.

Off to other ILs tomorrow. They live nearby. Am happy to come home if it's too much for him, then go back later for DD and DH.

Thanks for all your support - yes, I will let everyone know that from next Christmas onwards we will batten down the hatches from Christmas Eve till after Boxing Day. We will all be so much happier, and as the children grow older we will hopefully manage more.

Yes, I will have to get over my only child guilt that my fantastic parents will be on their own - but due to our 1:3 system they do that most Christmasses anyway. They are independent, sociable people so I know they can do it.

THANK YOU!!!!!

I got so fed up with the stress of xmas, whether it was rushing the kids because we were going out, or family coming and rushing kids to opened pressies, my dd is one of these she will open a pressie and want to take it out of the box and play with it, with the family more pressies were thrust upon her, it all got stressful that 3 years ago I said no more, and politely explained why I felt the way I did, and more than happy to go out boxing day, but xmas day will just be the 4 of us. We have had 2 lovely stress free Christmas days.

Yes you can do it. For DD1's first Christmas we went to my mum's, then we decided we'd like Christmas in our own house. Parents are all far enough away to warrant at least one overnight stay, so we went touring on Boxing Day, usually getting back by New Year. I got fed up of all the travelling round and just wanted to chill out at home - relatives welcome here but none want to make the effort to travel up I guess.

So one year I said enough is enough, we're staying here and will visit later. It was lovely and relaxing, however, it did have the downside that we didn't see our brothers at the same time and so we ended up making more trips in total.

Mind you, that was a snowy year so any guilt at not visiting was wiped out by the weather as we wouldn't have gone anyway.

My DCs are now grown up but our best ever Christmases have been just the 4 of us (me, DH, DS and DD). We don't manage it every year, especially as parents are now getting older. The first one we had alone was when they were 6 and 4, and the most recent was last year when they were 23 and 21.
Make the most of it!

Do it, do not be emotionally bullied into thinking that because of the age of relatives you must spend time with them at Christmas 'just in case'. My parents did that the entire time we were children and regret it now (especially because my brother sounds similar to your ds and his needs were never, ever met)

Take a year out, just launch the idea out there early in the year, make lovely plans, choose a different menu, do those walks and chill, even if you only do it once you will have changed the family obligation to always do the same thing, it might help someone else have a different Christmas too......
Happy Christmas

I think sometimes you just have to put yourselves first!

We did it a few years back, basically because I often have to work and I was making myself ill trying to fit everyone in. It's brilliant! We've never looked back.

This year, we had a lazy morning, Christmas pressies, a lazy lunch and a film.....pure bliss.

If you domit, you won't look back and the guilt won't last forever!

Do it... it's not selfish its meeting the needs of your family and at no other time of the year you would not think twice about it...

My son has ASD and has also asked for christmas with just me and the pets

I nearly had the chance this year... almost smelt it... then it was cruelly snatched away. Had a shit day as a consequence... next year I am going it alone and I do not care who ends up alone because of my 'selfishness'...

Its just us here too - Ds has sn and it is just so much easier being at home.
The pils have always put their other son and his family first - when we asked them over, they always said no, and now dbil has moved away they go and visit him. suits us!