To refuse to go to MIL's last minute tonight?

[SnowdropsinMarch]

First post, not sure if this is the right place but need advice as to whether I'm the one BU here.

I'm the DD2 of the MIL's selfish Christmas arrangements thread, Mumsnet has been recommended to me after my own mum felt so supported on here over that :) If you haven't seen that thread, a brief summary of events is that my Mum, brother, my foster DD (slightly more complicated than that but for lack of a better word) and I were due to go to my sister's ILs for Christmas this year, but two days ago my sister's MIL decided she was uninviting my DD as she 'wasn't family'- slightly more complicated than that but I'm trying to keep it short! All hell broke loose and the result is that me and DD, my brother, my sister and her DH and family (the MIL's son) will all be coming to my mum's for Christmas instead, my BIL is refusing to go to his mum's on principle.

We were all invited to drinks at MIL's tonight, but my mum, brother, DD and me didn't go because we had already booked to go out for DD's birthday. BIL is round there now with my sister and their DCs, apparently the atmosphere is not as bad as they'd feared but us not being there for Christmas tomorrow is the elephant in the room. There are other family members of the ILs, friends etc also round there, it's very much a low-key party.

DD and I are now home, my mum and brother have set off for mass so won't be going to the drinks- timing stated as 7.30-10.30 so we'd all missed the beginning of it out for DD's birthday. I've come home to a voicemail from MIL saying if we get back before 10 it would be lovely to see us at hers. This is after rather unpleasant things were said yesterday about both me and DD.

My gut feeling is no, don't go, but then I'm worried she's trying to make amends and I'm going to be making the rift between my family, BIL and co. and MIL worse. AIBU to completely ignore her and pretend we're still out? Or is that rude and resorting to her level?

Possibly a bit more of a WWYD, sorry, but advice would be much appreciated.

i saw your mum's thread. i couldn't go in your shoes. your Dsis's MIL is a vile person for what she said about you and your DD.

i would also ignore the message. or at least wait til your mum gets home and have her there for support when you do respond.

Don't go! She sounds like a loon.

I saw the original thread. Isn't your little one 7 years old? Who does she expect to be watching her on xmas eve evening while you all go round for drinks?? Or does she expect you to take her knowing what she thinks of you and the little girl you are caring for.

I bet she is realising no one will back down and is worried about losing face in front of other people.

If asked I'd just state little girl was ready for her bed by time you got in. In your shoes I wouldn't put myself or my child around someone who had such nasty views of the 2 of you.

Go to mass, text and invite them to join you.

I dont think i could be around a woman who was so vile about you and a child, it just sounds like shes doing it because your BIL wants her too, and not because shes actually sorry.

PS I think you are doing a really admirable thing, i have alot of respect for adopters and foster parents.

I wouldn't go either. Too late to go out anyway. (How old is your DD?) I don't think it's rude at all. Even without all the hassle you've had I would ignore such a late invite!

Just cuious - How come you know about WWYD if this is your first time in Mumsnet? Maybe it's just your first post. Funny!

Ignore it. She would actually need to apologise for what she has said and her actions, and she hasn't done that has she? The words "I'm sorry" need to come out of her mouth.

I hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas.

I think I'd reply saying 'Oh I'm sorry, it's a bit late for dd! Have a lovely Xmas & thanks for the invite'.

Which is more than reasonably polite & leaves no crevice in which this kerfuffle can be made out to be in any way YOUR fault...

WWYD is a pretty common abbreviation for what would you do. just because Op used it doesn't mean she learnt it here. report posts you are suspicious of.

DD is 8 today :) Still quite awake at the moment but MIL doesn't need to know that! Judging by some of the things she's said I definitely don't think she's expecting me to bring DD, so what she is expecting me to do with her is a good question. I'm wondering if someone asked why none of our side of the family were at her drinks (we normally all go) and she's trying to gloss it over by saying we're just coming late.

whatwhatwhat- first post, but I've been lurking for a few days :)

Wwyd is used on lots of forums. Maybe op is a member of one of them?

Op, I would say DD was ready for bed. Have a nice Christmas.

Did she invite your dd to tonight too?

I wouldn't go in your position. Surely you have Christmas Eve things to be doing with your dd, like getting ready for FC?

Please please don't go

It will validate her bad behaviour

Just chill with your daughter and listen out for Santa. . .

At half nine on Christmas eve? Your DD has had a full day with her birthday plus there's Chistmas tomorrow. Ignoring the horrid things she said (which is enough to say no to) I would let her know either by text or VM that thank you but it's been such a busy day plus 2139 now that understandably its time to bed for DD but thank her for thinking of you all.

What does your sister say? Did BIL get through to his mother?! Maybe she's hoping to apologise to you but in all honesty, leaving a last minute VM for you to goto hers is not the way to go about it. Put DD to bed, pour yourself a baileys and stick 8 out of 10 cats Christmas special on C4 plus one to watch with your DB and mum x

Um, half the world uses the abbreviation WWYD.

Have you never heard of those Christian bracelets that have been around probably longer than MN 'WWJD' - what would Jesus do?

If you think WWYD is a mumsnet expression, it's you that needs to get out more!

I'm going to be brave and text her to say thanks for the offer but it's too late for DD. Which could well make things worse but she can hardly argue with it being past an 8 year old's bedtime... I think!

Just read your mum's thread. Your sister's MIL is a hateful example of humanity. Don't pander to her. She's probably only sent that message as she's realising that she's insulted and pissed off a lot of people and her plan to exclude your DD has backfired, resulting in her being the one that's excluded.

Don't go to hers for drinks, as she'll take that as 'winning'. Stay in with your DD and put your feet up with a mince pie.

Hope you all* have a lovely Christmas.

*except for your sister's MIL, who needs to realise the error of her ways

You're very diplomatic. In your position I'd have to reply that you won't be attending because you don't wish to socialise with someone who insults you and your DD.

In your position, I wouldn't go anywhere near the poisonous old cow. Just cosy up with your DD and look forward to a nice family Christmas tomorrow.

If there is an elephant in the room right now, it is of your DSis' MIL's doing. Not yours.

Cross post, very tactful. Much more than I would have been

Oh it was very tempting to say something far less diplomatic, but my Dsis stil has to put up with her, or I may well have done

You just definitely definitely didn't get back in time

Wasn't it about 10.20 when you got home?

Don't go, but don't break the olive branch. I suspect your MIL has not just suddenly become evil (though she has behaved horribly but something else is going on.

Don't go!
It's really not a good time for her to be building bridges. Far too late and last minute