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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit sad that DH has been working too long and late to get me a present?

53 replies

SchnappsDamnYou · 24/12/2012 19:33

And he asked me to get myself something but I haven't. Toddler in tow, house guests, no time or inclination tbh.

We live abroad and there isn't much in the shops here that I want, it's all super expensive luxury stuff or crap tat that would disgrace a market stall. I have suggested he gets me a pice of paper saying valid for a spa treatment but I know there will be no stocking presents for me, no little thoughtful things, because he has not had a moment - working to midnight and later and weekends for weeks.

However I am still feeling sorry for myself and need kick up bum.
On the bright side we are getting Christmas dinner delivered from a hotel so I don't have to cook that meal.

OP posts:

MoelFammau · 24/12/2012 21:15

DH hasn't bought me anything either. Yes he's working long hours but I'm working even more and I did everything online. He didn't even get his parents anything - I had to. I dragged him out yesterday to buy DDs main gift with me.

But DH has Aspergers. And I'm learning to not take things personally.

floweryblue · 24/12/2012 21:16

I have a jewellery website Schnapps, how much of his money do you want to spend!

ArbitraryUsername · 24/12/2012 21:19

Well in my DH's case, he has spent the last 2.5 days prepping and painting our hall. And it does look much better now. So at least I get a nice hallway...

I'm pissed off though. And he knows that he's totally in the wrong. He works in town so he could easily have run out at lunchtime and bought me something. Or he could have sat at his desk and ordered me something online. It's not difficult, is it?

I knew he wouldn't get me a present. DS1 has got me a present though (and paid with his own money and wrapped it). So, at least, I'll have something to open. DS2 was supposed to help choose, but he's 3 and was only interested in stuff he'd like (so he sat outside the shop with me and waited for DS1).

madonnawhore · 24/12/2012 21:19

There's no way I could feel okay with myself if I left it to the last minute to sort DP's present out and so he ended up with nothing from me on Christmas day.

And I'm sure you wouldn't feel okay with yourself if you did that to your DH either.

So you have to ask the question: why doesn't he feel bad about doing it to you?

Probably because he's a bit of a selfish knob.

Original poster

SchnappsDamnYou · 24/12/2012 21:45

He does feel bad about it. In his defense, work has been insane. I said he could do me an amazon voucher by email and I will fill up my kindle.

I got my Feb birthday present in September! It was lovely - diamond earrings so worth the wait I guess.
He says I am hard to buy for - which is true as don't wear perfume anymore, toddler wrecks all my jewelry if I wear it by pulling it, grabs and trashes nice bags, sunglasses etc. Clothes are hard to get here as I am still BF and live in shirts and shorts and sandals.

I am going to set up a delivery address and make sure this doesn't happen again. Then he can order from US amazon in September.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 24/12/2012 21:45

YANBU. Christmas can hardly have snuck up on him,it's the same date every year.

Yika · 24/12/2012 21:49

YANBU.

TheNebulousBoojum · 24/12/2012 21:51

'But DH has Aspergers. And I'm learning to not take things personally.'

Moel, my DS has AS. I give him a Father Christmas list and he buys me something from it. Aspies can be great at planning and organising with a bit of a shoveencouragement.

Fairenuff · 24/12/2012 22:05

I am going to set up a delivery address and make sure this doesn't happen again

Why, oh why would you do this? You might as well buy your own present and be done with it. If you keep doing things for him that he should be doing himself, he's never going to man up.

Oh, these tales of feckless husbands are sooooo sad. Feel so sorry for you OP

FestiveElement · 24/12/2012 22:19

OP, despite the reactions from many others on here, I don't think you should write off your husband completely because of this.

Of course it's disappointing and YANBU to feel sad, but if you know your DH loves and appreciates you because of other things that he does, then forgive him, put it behind you and think of something you'd like to get in the new year. Christmas presents are not the only way men can show love for their wives.

Ragwort · 24/12/2012 22:28

I share Festive's view - buying gifts is incredibly difficult (ie: buying the right gift) and after 25 years of marriage I can honestly say that I don't think my DH has ever bought me something that I really, really love. I know it sounds ungrateful but his taste in clothes, jewellery, lingerie, CDs, books, etc etc is just not the same as mine so I am delighted that we now don't exchange gifts at all. I honesly would not want one of his 'surprise gifts'. I am sure he thinks the same as I carefully chose him a CD that I thought he would love (of a concert we went to together) but he was clearly not impressed so it is the box for my Dad's present next year . I am not offended, I just got it wrong.

There are many, many other ways that you can show appreciation for your loved ones. .

Oblomov · 24/12/2012 22:30

"but if you know your DH loves and appreciates you because of other things that he does"
whre is the evidence of this. what does her dh do that shows he lovs her. I see little evidence. Great. diamond earings. 7 months after her birthday.
I totally disagree. The man is a twot and shows her little love or respect or care.

FestiveElement · 24/12/2012 22:35

It's unlikely that you'd see much evidence of an entire marriage from a couple of posts on MN though, and how you have come to the conclusion that OPs DH shows her 'little love or respect or care' because of a lack of one Christmas present is beyond me.

Oblomov · 24/12/2012 22:36

And I disagree with Ragworth too. Dh and i are not big 'gifters' at christmas. When i asked dh if there was anything in particular he would like, he couldn't even think of anything. I couldn't think of anything I particularly wanted either. We generally don't want for much and if there is something we want throughout the year, we normally just buy it.
BUT, he is very very caring generally. incredibly attentive. and we both bought eachother something very small.
Its not the presnt , that I object to, with OP.
Its the way her dh treats her. The way she sees herslf. The lack of care and respert. Can you all see what I mean?

Oblomov · 24/12/2012 22:37

Actually Festive, there is quite alot of information, in her posts.

CaHoHoHootz · 24/12/2012 22:42

I have been inthe same situation and I have not minded. My DH has, at times, worked extremely hard for all of our benefits. He doesn't mind if I buy things for myself and has bought me beautiful presents for no reason at all. If he didn't always manage it on a birthday or Christmas then that was (is) fine by me.
I wouldn't want him to be racing around at the last minute. I would rather he come home and relax. I know this isn't quite the same as the OP's situation but it is similar.

I still think you are allowed to be a bit sorry for yourself. However, I am sure your DH will love you all the more for not being pissed off about it.

FestiveElement · 24/12/2012 22:44

There is some information, including that OP is talking about stocking presents here and may well get a voucher, just not an actual thing covered in wrapping paper

I don't think you can tell anything about their marriage from OPs posts, all you can tell is the DHs attitude towards presents.

It's nicer to give people you love the benefit of the doubt when it comes to minor Christmas misdemeanours.

CaHoHoHootz · 24/12/2012 22:44

I still think you are allowed to be a bit sorry for yourself. However, I am sure your DH will love you all the more for not being pissed off about it.

GilmoursPillow · 24/12/2012 22:47

If you're in the sandpit as someone else mentioned, sort out Shop & Ship and give him the account details.
Merry Christmas anyway.

cozietoesie · 24/12/2012 22:48

Schnapps

I've had to organize my DB and get his present for his wife for him. He just goes to pieces at Xmas.

And if it's any consolation - he desperately adores her. It's just a Xmas present thing that he has. (Or doesn't have.)

bonkersLFDT20 · 24/12/2012 23:00

What work does he do? Do you need to re-evaluate your priorities? If your DH doesn't have the time, or cannot get organised enough to do so and you are both using the excuse of working hard to justify it then I wonder whether the job is the right one. We work to live not live to work.

It wouldn't take him 5 mins to phone someone in a more shopping friendly environment and ask them to send something you'd like and he pay them (paypal).

CSIJanner · 24/12/2012 23:19

Okay - so no stocking this year unless he's busy baking something or creating something in the other room like photoshopping picture of the family together, making a monatge video for you to watch in the morning, a homemade IOU voucher for massage/lie ins/ shopping spree's book etc etc. But then SIDS law that he may not be a make with your hands kinda of chap. Is everything absolutely shut tomorrow where you are? There could always be a last minute dash although you might like the homemade efforts more.

Alternatively, he could always make you breakfast in bed, look after LO as you soak in the tub, tidy as you have your feet up in the living room with a cuppa, take delivery of the food, serve the food, do the washing up and then to top it all, give you a massage with a spritzer.

CSIJanner · 24/12/2012 23:20

*Sods law, not Sids. Damn autocorrect. Apologies

defineme · 24/12/2012 23:26

I am very picky, and though I'd be grateful for any gift, I'm so pleased about Amaon wish lists-now I get really really good things that I love. Sorry if that offends anyone's romantic ideals about gifts, but it suits me.

Original poster

SchnappsDamnYou · 26/12/2012 20:31

Update! Eternity ring!
God knows how he managed that one!
Yay DH!

OP posts:

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