To feel excluded.

[CrunchyFrog]

XH and I have a fragile amicability. Separated just over 3 years.

Each Xmas his parents have been invited to my families Xmas do. XH comes to mine when he can be arsed for the present opening, then I make breakfast for him and his parents while they play with the kids. Then we a go to my family, at which point I get pissed in order to avoid the back-seat parenting from everyone else!

That is all fine, but I do find it very hard (XH contributes less than 1/4 of presents, but takes a lot of the credit and pleasure!) XMIL and I do not get on well.

I was looking forward to a couple of hours with my family today while the kids were with XH. Planned to hang out with sibs then take kids to see elderly relative.

Turns out XMIL is at mum's, "helping," and they took the kids to see the relative earlier today.

So I'm alone, and according to my family, excluding myself, because XMIL "doesn't mind" if I go to my parents!

So, am I being super U and excluding myself, really? Or should they back the hell off and just do what they've been invited to do?

my inlaws started xmas dinner without me - as my house - i went out ot take dh to her partners dads- i came back and they were all eating.

mil brough two boxes of chocolates for my grown up kids - i have three grown up kids.

fuckers

dd*

Yabu.

No one has excluded you. Its up to your mum Who she invites round. Its great your mum and ex mil get on. Not for you but for your kids.

You are choosing to exclude yourself. I am not sure if its how the op is written but you seem not to get on with anyone. Why is that?

Also who did you think had your kids?

Why is MiL helping at your Mum's, are they close?

You sound very accommodating and considerate Crunchy,no wonder you're pissed off!

sorry I see you thought they were with ex h. Why did his mum have them? Where was he?

XMIL invited herself. She is controlling and hates to not be in charge of food etc.

She, XH and XFIL took the kids to see my relative.

Brady not sure where you get that from,
I get on with everyone, on the surface. There has never been a row. The kids have no inkling of how I feel. They have never seen their parents exchange a cross word!

It seems that, despite breakup, I should still roll over and ignore my feelings. I want to be able to have the craic with my siblings, see my mum without her there. I can't relax and enjoy myself with her there, we do not understand one another at all.

Mum finds XMIL irritating, but says it's only once a year.

Sorry, know it's confusing. Kids were with XFIL and XH. XMIL was with my family.

Put a stop to issuing an invite to them for starters, beginning with next year!

Don't ignore your own feelings, her and xh sound awful.

YANBU at all!

So your mum doesn't want her there? That's different. Since you said its your family that say you are excluding yourself, that they were happy for her to be there.

I get the impression from op because you mention everybody, including your own family, is a disparaging way.

You talk you ex h not being added, not liking your mil and having yo get pissed on Christmas day to get away from 'back seat parenting'.

It gives an impression of a person spending the day with a bunch of adults who she doesn't like.

Back seat parenting comes from XPIL!

Quite like my own siblings and their partners.

Mum's indifferent, she'd rather not hurt XMIL feelings, it's not that she wants or doesn't want her.

Time to ditch this really stupid tradition.
MIL and ex can have the kids one day and do Christmas at theirs and you and your family do another day at your Mums or yours. No need for ExMIL to be running this show. What happens when you and EX have new partners? That would get really uncomfortable, time to change it now.
Go to your Mums don't let them take over.

Why not just alternate Christmases? They stay xmas eve and have breaky with one parent and open their presents then over to other parent for xmas day etc. Swap round each year and let them do their family xmas their way and you have a nice time with yours? Every one gets time with dc and less faffing around trying to fit in everyone's wishes and relatives and probably no one really enjoying it at all (except mil).

Right now I would go to wherever dc are and hang out with them.

Ps it'll start to change anyway if ex remarries or you do and then the dc will want to do different things - these things aren't fixed so don't worry about making changes.

Wow! Sounds really complicated! I agree about ditching the tradition. You all need to move on. Start the alternate Christmases.