absent father xmas gift

[lauriedriver]

This is the first time I've posted on here & wanted really to hear others opinions......& maybe also use this place as a sounding board to badmouth my ex, not that I'm bitter :-)!!

my daughter is 12, nearly 13 (what a happy, cheery delightful age!) I split up with her father years ago & he's remarried. I'm also in a serious long term relationship.

My daughter has very little contact with her father. She used to see him once or twice a year on his terms but hasn't now seen him for around 18 months & would need forced to go back again. We moved house 9 months ago & although he has our phone number he has chose not to call her since we moved.

to cut a long story short this lack of contact is mostly down to the way his wife treats my daughter & his lack of balls in acknowledging or dealing with that fact.

anyway through the post the other day came a Xmas card. The lovey dovey message read.....to (her name), from dad x. Inside was a £30 voucher.

Am i being unreasonable being hacked off that he hasn't had any contact with her or made any effort for months then puts £30 in a card?? Feels like an afterthought to me. His wife was bragging on fb months ago about how great she was having done her Xmas shopping early. for Goethe record I don't use fb, my daughter showed me her posts.

My daughter read this then she gets a voucher, the wife has 4 kids, 1 of them is father of the years child!! I'm also sure as shite they won't spend £30 on their other 4 kids. Even worse the vouchers were for next?? What self respecting 13 year old lover of one direction wears clothes from next :-).

I feel like sending them back with a note attached but don't want to either give them the satisfaction of knowing it's annoyed us or make myself look mental(er).

Thanks for reading my rant. Thoughts?? X

YANBU to be hacked off. YABU to do anything about it other than give her the card.

I'm really inexperienced in this area so will leave it there.

Thanks Joan, maybe I should have made myself clearer. My daughter opened the card herself then asked if I wanted the vouchers. she said she told her bestfriend about it & she thought it was rubbish but my daughter pretends not to care & just says that he's an idiot & she loves her stepdad anyway. But I care that this clown & his wife get away with treating her as an afterthought then he emails her asking why she never calls & gives her a hard time. He never calls her & she's the child. I don't feel he has the right to chastise her given that he isn't a real dad.

Makes my blood boil knowing that deep down she's hurt.

But wouldn't it be worse if he hadn't seen her for 18 months and then thought he could make that OK by sending her Christmas presents? The issue here isn't the lack of Christmas present - it's the lack of fathering. Speaking as someone who didn't have any contact at all with my father from the age of 2, your daughter will be OK - she has you and that's all she needs.

Keep the Next vouchers for yourself, give DD some extra money to spend elsewhere and give her a great big hug. At least she has you and her step dad. When she is older you will laugh every year at this!

ginmakesitallok, you've got a good point & I didn't think of it like that :-).

I suppose my main issue is the lack of contact/fathering. Even though she has her stepdad she sees things her father & his wife write on fb & the photos they add & feels left out/unwanted (really dislike fb!!!)

She will be fine & she's a smashing girl just wish I'd picked a better biological father for her.

He texted her yest & said "just in case you've forgot my address".....a not so subbtle dig about her not sending him a Xmas card. What a child!!!

littlewhitebag, even her step grandparents say he'll get his karma when her stepdad walks her down the aisle. What goes around comes around & all that :-).

Hugs aplenty & I'll get myself some jeans in the next sale. Goodwill to all men, except him

I honestly read the thread title as though you were upset cos you were missing a present from Father Christmas. I need more sleep. Hope you and your daughter have a good Christmas. Your ex sounds like a tool.

Laugh out loud @ pontouf :-). That made me chuckle & a merry Christmas to you & yours

I suppose one could argue that the ExH and new wife may have different finances - therefore she biuuys for her family he buys for his - so what she has bought the resident children is neither here nor there, what she spends her money on.

The ExH is in a difficult situation, having not seen his daugher for 18 months - if he went OTT and extravagant tht in its self would be a thread on attemption under#mine the RP or 'buy' his daughter.

the correct balance for presnt giving in this situation is never going to happen, because there is so little contact.

However, as others have said, the issue is with his parenting - although if your daughter doesnt want to visit him, there is little he can do about that.

you could argue that but its pretty poor having different finances for your children. She doesn't want to visit but she has only said that to me not him & he hasn't offered to have her stay in the last 18 months for her to refuse. He lives a 7hr drive away so she can't pop round.

everytime he's seen her I've provided transport halfway. Also her father got married earlier this year. He invited his daughter 2 weeks before but only if I would do a 4 hour round trip to pick her up the next day. Surely it's for him to arrange transport for his child to attend his wedding??!! So she didn't go as I wasn't prepared to do that trip after working all day, as a driver (yes I am a lorry driver :-))

also he is the only one who works so would presume he'd be setting the budget. Mind you she has him that tight by the halls that may not be the case.

if he'd blown the budget I wouldn't have accused him of trying to buy her, but he really could do with making some type of big gesture before his daughter gets old enough to walk away. I suppose he really would have no idea what to buy her as he has chosen not to speak to her since march. Poor guy!!

In a similar situation here, exh has seen my 9yr old dt's once this year - only because I drove from Leeds to Scotland to drop them off with his parents who took them to his door, I've kept a record of phone calls he's made to them which totals 6. He sent them an Argos gift card each and they didn't even know what it was, they're too young to understand its money! Its not when the fact he spent £25 on them its the complete lack of thought that has gone into it...

Sorry to hear that knees, it is the lack of thought & lack of effort that are frustrating. As a mum I know what my daughter likes/dislikes but the fact he doesn't even take the time to ask her what she'd like or to get to know her makes me mad.

Like has already been said, we'll look back in years to come & laugh......or we'll get even & egg their house :-)

Honestly, I'd send it back and say that I still had his address.

And mention that parenting is not sending gift vouchers once a year.

But I can be a bitch me. :)

Or that to make up for his absent parenting anything less than 300 pounds was not enough.

But she could also send him an honest letter saying that a crap present does not make up for all the shit parenting, etc that she deserves a more present father, and not to bother next time unless he acts like her father during next year.

She needs to block his posts on Facebook.

I have little contact with my dad since I was young and I hated getting presents from my dad at Xmas. It used to upset me more that he could only be bothered at Xmas and I would prefer that he got me nothing at all.
Your daughter will be fine as she obviously has a loving family and doesn't need her father.

A child is for life! Not just for Xmas!

Your daughter needs to de-friend them all on fb, they are not her friends. I had a massive cull last night. Seeing updates about her half siblings new ipads etc will only upset her. Your daughter's now of an age where she'll be starting to realise what a shit her dad is, all you can do is give her lots of love and hugs.
Fwiw ds has never received so much as a card from his dad, ever. Luckily he's too young to care atm.